A few times a year I go to what I like to call a “senior discount showing.” One of those movies where I’ll go to an 11 am screening of something, and the theater will still be 3/4ths sold out, and I’ll be the youngest person there by thirty years. I guess it’s because old people don’t want those disrespectful youths being rowdy with all their cell phones and skateboards and sticking their tongues out and whatnot. I’m sure the 8 pm screening of an Alexander Payne film is like an orgy of people yelling, blasting rap music, and throwing eggs at the theater screen. Kids just can’t handle the nuanced dialogue and deep character development, it turns them into animals! That’s not to say that the 11 am screening is without its annoyances. As one of the people who doesn’t need a hearing aid, I can get a good sampling of the sounds of the elderly. The mucus-filled coughs, the “HUH’s?”, the constant popcorn jangling (seriously 80% of old people buy popcorn). And Nebraska was an extra special senior discount showing, because it was a theater filled with old people watching a movie ABOUT old people. That’s like some Inception levels of geriatric layering. …Oldception? Ok, I’ll see myself out.
I’ve seen a few 2013 movies over the past couple weeks that have been available through Netflix, Amazon Instant, RedBox, etc… So, I thought I’d just write up some quick reviews just in time for Thanksgiving, in case you had any plans on watching a movie with your family over the holiday, because no one really wants to watch the Raiders play the Cowboys, right?
Premise: Based on the popular book series to which I’ve read the first one and didn’t bother reading the two sequels; Katniss is back, and she is angry and such about having to be the symbol of a revolution. Life was so much simpler before she murdered those other teens on television and became famous. Been there! All the lovable characters from the first one are still around; like Peeta (the useless guy), Haymitch (the drunk guy), Cina (the poorly acted guy), Gale (the forced love triangle guy), President Snow (the evil guy) and Elizabeth Banks, whose character name I can’t remember. Let’s just call her Foofica Promwillywick. That name matches her appearance pretty well.
Based on the true story of Ron Woodroof (played by Matthew McConaughey), Dallas Buyers Club chronicles the life of a Texas hustler in the 1980s, when he gets a surprise diagnosis of HIV, at a time when it was destroying the gay community. Unable to get any medication for his problem, because everything was still in a testing phase at that point, he takes matters into his own hands and starts smuggling medication in from other countries and selling them to other patients out of his apartment. I think McConaughey takes his shirt of in this (I’m sure it’s in his contract for most films), but I don’t recall it being a pleasant sight, because he method acted the shit out of this movie and lost a ton of weight.
Premise: If you strip away the context that Thor 2 is a major Marvel comic book movie, and you try to describe the premise, it actually comes out as a hilariously strange concept from the get-go… It’s a movie about a Norse god who lives in a rainbow space castle across the universe who can fly by using a magic hammer, who must overcome a species of elves who fly high-powered space ships, because they’re trying to destroy all the light in the universe. If this wasn’t based on the classic source material, could you imagine someone trying to pitch that film to an executive?
Premise: In an effort to exploit Hollywood for all its young talent of the last few years, I assume a (possibly coked up) movie producer said in the past year, “I have a teen sci-fi picture I need to make. Bring me that critically acclaimed kid from Hugo, that critically acclaimed kid from True Grit, that critically acclaimed kid from Kings of Summer, and that critically acclaimed little girl who used to be in Little Miss Sunshine. And why don’t you find me the critically acclaimed girl from Kick-Ass as well? Oh, she’s remaking Carrie? Oh well, nevermind. What? Who? The kid from Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close? Nah… That kid sucks.”
Oh, and I guess Ender’s Game is also based on some book or something that I assume no one has ever read before? Some dollar store bargain bin read, I think? Maybe a Danielle Steel? It’s about a kid who is really good at video games, so he can translate that skill into commanding real life space armies and be a hero to Earth. I tried using that excuse to convince my parents to let me play more video games when I was a kid, but my dad simply replied “You’re not fooling me, son, we both know you’re awful at video games.”
Well, hello there! Here’s the third installment of Dino Bone’s Drunken Movie Review. I’ve previously covered Little Fockers and That’s My Boy, and tonight I thought I’d give another movie a chance that I probably wouldn’t have given it if I weren’t drinking. The Secret Lives of Dorks is a movie that I constantly see in my Amazon Prime recommended movies, and I don’t know why. But I certainly hope to uncover the SECRET, in what I assume is one of the greatest mystery/suspense films of our time. I read an article about this film once that said that Hitchcock passed on this screenplay, because he thought it would be too shocking for audiences. FYI, I’ll be drinking “Nautical Professors” tonight (Sailor Jerry and Dr. Pepper), and I’m stirring it with a knife. I don’t know why I included that last bit of information.