Yea! Woo! Baseball! ‘MERICA!
Whoaaaa sorry about that but it’s just exciting, Baseball season is back! Now we all know how last year ended, with those smug wine and cheese eating pricks from San Francisco hoisting the trophy… But now it’s a new year and it’s historically unlikely they’ll repeat! Yep from the get go things are already looking up! In this wonderful league wide preview, I’m going to make my picks for Division winners, Playoff Rounds, and finally World Series Champions! I absolutely cannot wait to look back on this in October and see how badly I screwed the pooch!
1.) Milwaukee Brewers- Yes I know their pitchers have already started getting hurt, but dammit I don’t care! With Prince Fielder on a contract year, a great line up and enough pitching to get by until the social retard known as Zack Greinke comes back they should be able to hold off the Cardinals, Reds, and Cubs. PREDICTION: 91 Wins.
2.) Cincinnati Reds- I haven’t really researched this team much, IN FACT I forgot they even won the damn Central last year (that’s what we call journalism people). But with a good solid line up, young pitchers who are coming into their own, and a manager who gets about 3 solid years out of a ball club before it completely implodes, they will probably wind up in the runner up position. PREDICTION: 88 Wins.
3.) St Louis Cardinals- Boy that Adam Wainwright thing sure was a kick in the dick. I really don’t think there is anyway they can come back from losing a pitcher who won 20 games for them last year. But I’ve been wrong before. COMICAL KNIFE TWISTING BONUS: just this Saturday Wainwright was on a plane that slid off the runway. That man CANNOT catch a break. And that’s just how this entire season will be for you St. Louis fans. HAVE FUN! PREDICTION: 85 Wins.
4.) Chicago Cubs- My oh my the good ole Cubs, it was only about 2 years ago everyone was touting how good they would be. Now with a bloated payroll with players they couldn’t even give away they are basically stuck in purgatory. They won’t be as bad as they were last year but part of that is actually having a manager who is awake for the games. Shipping off that fat ass Silva will definitely help too and at least Starlin Castro seems like the real deal. PREDICITON: 83 Wins.
5.) Pittsburgh Pirates- I really don’t know what to say about this team. I just hope those cricket players work out for them. I’m assuming the greatness that is Andrew McCutchen will propel them all the way to 5th in this division. PREDICTION: 70 Wins.
6.) Houston Astros- Whoa! 6 teams?! What a wacky division! Honestly it’s kind of funny that out of these 6 teams whatever team gets in the playoffs isn’t making it past the first round. Oh what’s that? This was supposed to be my thoughts on the Astros? Oh. Well they suck. PREDICTION: 67 Wins.
1.) Philadelphia Phillies- I really DO NOT like this team. But I’m pretty much like this about every team in this shithole of a city. However, having what appears to be at least 2 top ten pitchers in their rotation and another 2 top 25 pitchers, regardless of what happens to Chase Utley they’ll find a way to win this division handedly. PREDICTION: 95 Wins.
2.) Atlanta Braves- How will the Braves move on with out their precious Bobby Cox? Uhhh probably the same exact season but maybe a little bit better because now they have Dan Uggla, the Adam Dunn of 2B. But basically I just don’t think its really going to matter in this division… Stupid Phillies… PREDICTION: 90 Wins.
3.) Florida Marlins- Ah the “Fighting Fish” or as they should be referred to as “That team that runs off and wins a World Series once every decade and then immediately blows the team up the next year.” They have a pretty good solid young team. They have one of the best players in the entire league in Hanley Ramirez and a great pitcher in Josh Johnson. But they also don’t know what defense is. Expect them to hit a lot of home runs but also make a lot of errors. PREDICTION: 87 Wins.
4.) Washington Nationals- I just don’t have the heart to make this team last again (namely because of my dislike for The Mets). But this team could potentially be dangerous in maybe 4 years. PREDICTION: 79 Wins.
5.) New York Mets- This team is failing in a glorious way. They have also basically screwed themselves because I have not heard of any good talent coming down the pipeline this year or the next. If only they had Bernie Madoff as their GM they would be in a good situation. PREDICTION: 74 Wins.
1.) Colorado Rockies- I guess? This division is so close usually that it really doesn’t matter who you chose because they will most likely end up in 4th. But with Ubaldo Jimenez being their ace, Troy Tulowitzki, and Carlos Gonzalez in the lineup. They have just about as good a shot as any. PREDICTION: 89 Wins.
2.) San Francisco Giants- The defending champs will come in with roughly the same team. As cool as Brian Wilson is, I really think him saving all of those games in the playoffs was pretty fluky. He has always been erratic so I’m sure like the rest of the team he will come back down to Earth. Well except Tim Lincecum, that guy is really good. PREDICTION 87 Wins.
3.) Arizona Diamondbacks- So this team is kind of hard to judge, on one hand they hit a lot of home runs and will be better at pitching with young arms like Daniel Husdson. But based solely on personal preference I think they might be a little too young still. PREDICTION 86 Wins.
4.) Los Angeles Dodgers- New coach, New year. Don Mattingly brings all the personality that Joe Torre had but without the World Series wins. Should be fun seeing as their big offseason acquisition was Juan Uribe… PREDICTION 85 Wins.
5.) San Diego Padres- With two of their pitchers being hurt (one of whom is Mat Latos) and the departure of Adrian Gonzalez this is going to be a long year for the People at Petco. PREDICTION: 75 Wins.
1.) Chicago White Sox- This team looks primed to make a run of some kind with the addition of Adam Dunn (who is hitting minimum 50 bombs this year). Their bullpen is great with 2 left handers who throw heat (Matt Thorton, Chris Sale) as well as a lefty specialist (Will Ohman). The rotation is a question mark just because of the health of Jake Peavy but they should be able to squeak out this division. HERES TO OPTIMISM! PREDICTION: 94 Wins.
2.) Minnesota Twins- They get Justin Morneau back as well as Joe Nathan (who is coming off Tommy John Surgery) but will it really be enough? Not sure really but whenever I count this team out they consistently make me look like an ass. But I really just don’t see enough starting pitching for them to take this division and they lost a good bullpen arm in Jessie Crane (to the White Sox). Besides it never matter when they win the division because they immediately wet the bed in the post season. LOOK IT UP. PREDICTION: 90 Wins.
3.) Detroit Tigers- They threw out a lot of money this year and signed the often hurt Victor Martinez, but in classic Detroit fashion it will fail miserably. Im pretty excited to see that happen as I want all sports to leave that crater like all the car companies did. They just don’t deserve a damn thing. Which of course means I’m talking about our soon to be World Champs simply to make me look like an ass. UGH. PREDICTION: 87 Wins.
4.) Cleveland Indians- There is going to be a significant drop off here as honestly any one of those 3 teams can win this division but these next two…. Now its not all gloom and doom I mean they have some bright spots Carlos Santana being one of them he is going to be a great player for years to come as long as he doesn’t constantly blow out his knee. PREDICTION: 77 Wins.
5.) Kansas City Royals- They are screwed now that Gil Meche retired, but that still means they will go 9-3 against the White Sox HAPPENS EVERY DAMN YEAR. PREDICTION: 70 Wins.
What’s that? There are two retarded fan bases in the AL East?
1.) Boston Red Sox- Oh man I really don’t like this team but they did get a two fantastic players in Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford. Must be nice to be the Boston Yankees. That’s really one of the things I hate about their rivalry is that they are exactly the same team, just different Unis. They all have giant payrolls, they both have ignorant fan bases, and they both get sucked off by ESPN. Like it’s one big pissing contest to see who can be the biggest piece of shit and which one ESPN will make cum first. FUCK THESE TWO. PREDICTION: 97 Wins. (I also know when a team is good, and the Red Sox look really good this year.)
2.) Tampa Bay Rays- Now this is a team I can get behind, they can’t do what the other two conglomerates can in their division and buy championships, so they have to build from the ground up. They still have a good line up regardless of the losses and their pitching is really solid as well. However…. I don’t think they have enough to overcome the Red Sox. PREDICTION: 92 Wins.
3.) New York Yankees- Uh oh! there is going to be a huge crisis after this year! Now I’m not basing this on my general dislike for this team (it certainly made it easier to put them here), but I’m putting them here because they don’t have any pitching! They have CC and then Phil Hughes THATS IT. They have Freddy Garcia as their 5th guy IN THE TOUGHEST DIVISION IN BASEBALL. They are screwed and no amount of ESPN blow jobs can save them from that. PREDICTION: 86 Wins.
4.) Baltimore Orioles- This team actually got better in the Offseason landing free agents, Mark Reynolds, Vladimir Guerrero, and Derek Lee. That compliments players like Luke Scott and Nick Markakis. However the biggest problem is… they literally have no pitching. They will hit a bunch of home runs but they are going to give up more of them. PREDICTION: 80 Wins.
5.) Toronto Blue Jays- This team is in full on rebuilding mode, they traded Vernon Wells, and Shawn Marcum. They are just going to flounder in this division. Maybe in like 4 years they will be better, they have a solid foundation to start from. PREDICTION: 70 Wins.
1.) Oakland Athletics- Here is my upset pick of the entire preview!!! This team is primed to make a division run, good young pitching, a nice solid lineup, and a division in flux makes this a perfect time to grab lighting in a bottle and win it! But like most Billy Beane teams they will lose in the 1st round. Everyone forgets that, in the book Moneyball Beane acts like the greatest thing to walk the face of the earth. He proceeds to bash Kenny Williams (the White Sox GM) saying he is easily taken advantage of. BUT WHO HAS A WORLD SERIES RING BILLY? WHO??? PREDICTION: 88 Wins. (It’s not going to take much in this division)
2.) Texas Rangers- The defending AL champs are going to stumble a bit this year, they lost a guy who supplied them with over 20 HRs in Vlad Guerrero, but they also lost the pitcher that pitched them to the playoffs in Cliff Lee. Now they still have a potent lineup, and some good young pitchers, but I just don’t think its enough to make a repeat of the run they had. Not even close. PREDICTION: 86 Wins.
3.) Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim- First off, what a bullshit name, just pick a city or state to hang with and that’s it. It’s really easy. The thing that makes me mad about things like this is that someone had to green light it! Like there are checks and balances in place to filter out crap. But someone pitched this, and then it gained momentum and finally someone said “YES, THAT IS THE NAME WE WANT! WE MUST GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY NEED!” and they come up with this? There are thousands of people more qualified than these hacks and they don’t even have jobs. Its a shame really. Oh, and about the team…. they traded for a washed up Vernon Wells, this probably won’t end well… PREDICTION: 82 Wins.
4.) Seattle Mariners- Felix Hernandez won the Cy Young despite the Mariners lineup. And I think the team has only added some prospects from the Cliff Lee trade, so this will probably be another longggg season for him. PREDICTION: 69 Wins.
White Sox VS Rays (Wild Card)- White Sox Win 3-1
Red Sox VS Athletics- Red Sox Win 3-0
Brewers VS Braves (Wild Card)- Braves Win 3-2
Phillies VS Colorado- Phillies Win 3-1
White Sox VS Red Sox- White Sox Win 4-2
Phillies Vs Braves- Phillies Win 4-3
White Sox Vs Phillies- White Sox Win 4-3 (I’m assuming this is done at home for the Sox because of the silly All-Star Game Rule.)
OH MAN! WHITE SOX PULL IT OFF!! Now I’m being a complete and utter Homer with that pick. But who doesn’t want to see this Phillies team lose to the Second City’s Second Team. Now I know that probably about 75 percent of what I just said in this column will not happen at all, but I guess thats the point of doing it because at the end if it does come true I get to say “HA! KNEW IT ALLLLLL ALONG. YOU’RE WELCOME FOR GENIUS!” So as my future self would say YOU’RE WELCOME. And until then….