“HOLY CRAP ITS ALMOST BASEBALL SEASON” MLB Preview

This was taken from World Series Baseball for the Sega Genesis, where it seems everyone just wore Negro League Uniforms..

Yea! Woo! Baseball! ‘MERICA!

Whoaaaa sorry about that but it’s just exciting, Baseball season is back! Now we all know how last year ended, with those smug wine and cheese eating pricks from San Francisco hoisting the trophy… But now it’s a new year and it’s historically unlikely they’ll repeat! Yep from the get go things are already looking up! In this wonderful league wide preview, I’m going to make my picks for Division winners, Playoff Rounds, and finally World Series Champions! I absolutely cannot wait to look back on this in October and see how badly I screwed the pooch!

National League

NL Central

This celebration is the only thing I need to grade who wins this division. I'm easy like that.

1.) Milwaukee Brewers- Yes I know their pitchers have already started getting hurt, but dammit I don’t care! With Prince Fielder on a contract year, a great line up and enough pitching to get by until the social retard known as Zack Greinke comes back they should be able to hold off the Cardinals, Reds, and Cubs. PREDICTION: 91 Wins.

2.) Cincinnati Reds- I haven’t really researched this team much, IN FACT I forgot they even won the damn Central last year (that’s what we call journalism people). But with a good solid line up, young pitchers who are coming into their own, and a manager who gets about 3 solid years out of a ball club before it completely implodes, they will probably wind up in the runner up position. PREDICTION: 88 Wins.

3.) St Louis Cardinals- Boy that Adam Wainwright thing sure was a kick in the dick. I really don’t think there is anyway they can come back from losing a pitcher who won 20 games for them last year. But I’ve been wrong before. COMICAL KNIFE TWISTING BONUS: just this Saturday Wainwright was on a plane that slid off the runway. That man CANNOT catch a break. And that’s just how this entire season will be for you St. Louis fans. HAVE FUN! PREDICTION: 85 Wins.

4.) Chicago Cubs- My oh my the good ole Cubs, it was only about 2 years ago everyone was touting how good they would be. Now with a bloated payroll with players they couldn’t even give away they are basically stuck in purgatory. They won’t be as bad as they were last year but part of that is actually having a manager who is awake for the games. Shipping off that fat ass Silva will definitely help too and at least Starlin Castro seems like the real deal. PREDICITON: 83 Wins.

5.) Pittsburgh Pirates- I really don’t know what to say about this team. I just hope those cricket players work out for them. I’m assuming the greatness that is Andrew McCutchen will propel them all the way to 5th in this division. PREDICTION: 70 Wins.

6.) Houston Astros- Whoa! 6 teams?! What a wacky division! Honestly it’s kind of funny that out of these 6 teams whatever team gets in the playoffs isn’t making it past the first round. Oh what’s that? This was supposed to be my thoughts on the Astros? Oh. Well they suck. PREDICTION: 67 Wins.

NL East

 

UGHHHHHHHH

1.) Philadelphia Phillies- I really DO NOT like this team. But I’m pretty much like this about every team in this shithole of a city. However, having what appears to be at least 2 top ten pitchers in their rotation and another 2 top 25 pitchers, regardless of what happens to Chase Utley they’ll find a way to win this division handedly. PREDICTION: 95 Wins.

2.) Atlanta Braves- How will the Braves move on with out their precious Bobby Cox? Uhhh probably the same exact season but maybe a little bit better because now they have Dan Uggla, the Adam Dunn of 2B. But basically I just don’t think its really going to matter in this division… Stupid Phillies… PREDICTION: 90 Wins.

3.) Florida Marlins- Ah the “Fighting Fish” or as they should be referred to as “That team that runs off and wins a World Series once every decade and then immediately blows the team up the next year.” They have a pretty good solid young team. They have one of the best players in the entire league in Hanley Ramirez and a great pitcher in Josh Johnson. But they also don’t know what defense is. Expect them to hit a lot of home runs but also make a lot of errors. PREDICTION: 87 Wins.

4.) Washington Nationals- I just don’t have the heart to make this team last again (namely because of my dislike for The Mets). But this team could potentially be dangerous in maybe 4 years. PREDICTION: 79 Wins.

5.) New York Mets- This team is failing in a glorious way. They have also basically screwed themselves because I have not heard of any good talent coming down the pipeline this year or the next. If only they had Bernie Madoff as their GM they would be in a good situation. PREDICTION: 74 Wins.

NL West

 

I actually don't think they will win this division... I just like this image.

1.) Colorado Rockies- I guess? This division is so close usually that it really doesn’t matter who you chose because they will most likely end up in 4th. But with Ubaldo Jimenez being their ace, Troy Tulowitzki, and Carlos Gonzalez in the lineup. They have just about as good a shot as any. PREDICTION: 89 Wins.

2.) San Francisco Giants- The defending champs will come in with roughly the same team. As cool as Brian Wilson is, I really think him saving all of those games in the playoffs was pretty fluky. He has always been erratic so I’m sure like the rest of the team he will come back down to Earth. Well except Tim Lincecum, that guy is really good. PREDICTION 87 Wins.

3.) Arizona Diamondbacks- So this team is kind of hard to judge, on one hand they hit a lot of home runs and will be better at pitching with young arms like Daniel Husdson. But based solely on personal preference I think they might be a little too young still. PREDICTION 86 Wins.

4.) Los Angeles Dodgers- New coach, New year. Don Mattingly brings all the personality that Joe Torre had but without the World Series wins. Should be fun seeing as their big offseason acquisition was Juan Uribe… PREDICTION 85 Wins.

5.) San Diego Padres- With two of their pitchers being hurt (one of whom is Mat Latos) and the departure of Adrian Gonzalez this is going to be a long year for the People at Petco. PREDICTION: 75 Wins.

American League

AL Central

MERCY!

1.) Chicago White Sox- This team looks primed to make a run of some kind with the addition of Adam Dunn (who is hitting minimum 50 bombs this year). Their bullpen is great with 2 left handers who throw heat (Matt Thorton, Chris Sale) as well as a lefty specialist (Will Ohman). The rotation is a question mark just because of the health of Jake Peavy but they should be able to squeak out this division. HERES TO OPTIMISM! PREDICTION: 94 Wins.

2.) Minnesota Twins- They get Justin Morneau back as well as Joe Nathan (who is coming off Tommy John Surgery) but will it really be enough? Not sure really but whenever I count this team out they consistently make me look like an ass. But I really just don’t see enough starting pitching for them to take this division and they lost a good bullpen arm in Jessie Crane (to the White Sox). Besides it never matter when they win the division because they immediately wet the bed in the post season. LOOK IT UP. PREDICTION: 90 Wins.

3.) Detroit Tigers- They threw out a lot of money this year and signed the often hurt Victor Martinez, but in classic Detroit fashion it will fail miserably. Im pretty excited to see that happen as I want all sports to leave that crater like all the car companies did. They just don’t deserve a damn thing. Which of course means I’m talking about our soon to be World Champs simply to make me look like an ass. UGH. PREDICTION: 87 Wins.

4.) Cleveland Indians- There is going to be a significant drop off here as honestly any one of those 3 teams can win this division but these next two…. Now its not all gloom and doom I mean they have some bright spots Carlos Santana being one of them he is going to be a great player for years to come as long as he doesn’t constantly blow out his knee. PREDICTION: 77 Wins.

5.) Kansas City Royals- They are screwed now that Gil Meche retired, but that still means they will go 9-3 against the White Sox HAPPENS EVERY DAMN YEAR. PREDICTION: 70 Wins.

AL East

"EH! FUCK YOU MOOKS WE GOTS FREDDIE GARCIA THIS YEAR!" I can't stand these Fucks.

What’s that? There are two retarded fan bases in the AL East?

Somebody has a "Parent of the Year" cup coming their way.

1.) Boston Red Sox- Oh man I really don’t like this team but they did get a two fantastic players in Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford. Must be nice to be the Boston Yankees. That’s really one of the things I hate about their rivalry is that they are exactly the same team, just different Unis. They all have giant payrolls, they both have ignorant fan bases, and they both get sucked off by ESPN. Like it’s one big pissing contest to see who can be the biggest piece of shit and which one ESPN will make cum first. FUCK THESE TWO. PREDICTION: 97 Wins. (I also know when a team is good, and the Red Sox look really good this year.)

2.) Tampa Bay Rays- Now this is a team I can get behind, they can’t do what the other two conglomerates can in their division and buy championships, so they have to build from the ground up. They still have a good line up regardless of the losses and their pitching is really solid as well. However…. I don’t think they have enough to overcome the Red Sox. PREDICTION: 92 Wins.

3.) New York Yankees- Uh oh! there is going to be a huge crisis after this year! Now I’m not basing this on my general dislike for this team (it certainly made it easier to put them here), but I’m putting them here because they don’t have any pitching! They have CC and then Phil Hughes THATS IT. They have Freddy Garcia as their 5th guy IN THE TOUGHEST DIVISION IN BASEBALL. They are screwed and no amount of ESPN blow jobs can save them from that. PREDICTION: 86 Wins.

4.) Baltimore Orioles- This team actually got better in the Offseason landing free agents, Mark Reynolds, Vladimir Guerrero, and Derek Lee. That compliments players like Luke Scott and Nick Markakis. However the biggest problem is… they literally have no pitching. They will hit a bunch of home runs but they are going to give up more of them. PREDICTION: 80 Wins.

5.) Toronto Blue Jays- This team is in full on rebuilding mode, they traded Vernon Wells, and Shawn Marcum. They are just going to flounder in this division. Maybe in like 4 years they will be better, they have a solid foundation to start from. PREDICTION: 70 Wins.

AL West

That's a funny way to be a recovering Alcoholic....

1.) Oakland Athletics- Here is my upset pick of the entire preview!!! This team is primed to make a division run, good young pitching, a nice solid lineup, and a division in flux makes this a perfect time to grab lighting in a bottle and win it! But like most Billy Beane teams they will lose in the 1st round. Everyone forgets that, in the book Moneyball Beane acts like the greatest thing to walk the face of the earth. He proceeds to bash Kenny Williams (the White Sox GM) saying he is easily taken advantage of. BUT WHO HAS A WORLD SERIES RING BILLY? WHO??? PREDICTION: 88 Wins. (It’s not going to take much in this division)

2.) Texas Rangers- The defending AL champs are going to stumble a bit this year, they lost a guy who supplied them with over 20 HRs in Vlad Guerrero, but they also lost the pitcher that pitched them to the playoffs in Cliff Lee. Now they still have a potent lineup, and some good young pitchers, but I just don’t think its enough to make a repeat of the run they had. Not even close. PREDICTION: 86 Wins.

3.) Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim- First off, what a bullshit name, just pick a city or state to hang with and that’s it. It’s really easy. The thing that makes me mad about things like this is that someone had to green light it! Like there are checks and balances in place to filter out crap. But someone pitched this, and then it gained momentum and finally someone said “YES, THAT IS THE NAME WE WANT! WE MUST GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY NEED!” and they come up with this? There are thousands of people more qualified than these hacks and they don’t even have jobs. Its a shame really. Oh, and about the team…. they traded for a washed up Vernon Wells, this probably won’t end well… PREDICTION: 82 Wins.

4.) Seattle Mariners- Felix Hernandez won the Cy Young despite the Mariners lineup. And I think the team has only added some prospects from the Cliff Lee trade, so this will probably be another longggg season for him. PREDICTION: 69 Wins.

The Playoffs

Divisional Round

White Sox VS Rays (Wild Card)- White Sox Win 3-1

Red Sox VS Athletics- Red Sox Win 3-0

Brewers VS Braves (Wild Card)- Braves Win 3-2

Phillies VS Colorado- Phillies Win 3-1

Championship Round

White Sox VS Red Sox- White Sox Win 4-2

Phillies Vs Braves- Phillies Win 4-3

World Series

White Sox Vs Phillies- White Sox Win 4-3 (I’m assuming this is done at home for the Sox because of the silly All-Star Game Rule.)

OH MAN! WHITE SOX PULL IT OFF!! Now I’m being a complete and utter Homer with that pick. But who doesn’t want to see this Phillies team lose to the Second City’s Second Team. Now I know that probably about 75 percent of what I just said in this column will not happen at all, but I guess thats the point of doing it because at the end if it does come true I get to say “HA! KNEW IT ALLLLLL ALONG. YOU’RE WELCOME FOR GENIUS!” So as my future self would say YOU’RE WELCOME. And until then….

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19 thoughts on ““HOLY CRAP ITS ALMOST BASEBALL SEASON” MLB Preview

  1. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

    I could not get passed the second paragraph.

    But I guess it’s nice to like more than one sport. With football being the best sport (obviously), I’ve chosen a vastly superior second sport to follow instead of baseball:

    Turtle Racing.

    7x more thrilling than the MLB playoffs. And Turtle Racing is still awesome even without the stats.

    And there’s not 162 races, so each game, ya know, actually fucking means something. No turtle loses 70 (!) fucking times in a season and still call themselves something of a champion.

    Fucking baseball, 70 disappointments and they are the best team in the sport. So fucking stupid. If I was a baseball fan, which I would never fucking be, if my team lost a few games early in the season, why should I give a shit, I could still say “Well, don;t worry, they still have to lose 50 or 60 more times before they miss the playoffs… WHAT’S THE POINT OF EVEN FOLLOWING THE FIRST HALF OF THE SEASON??

    And don’t say the action of the game, you and I both know in a 3 hour baseball game there’s only about 3 minutes of condensed action. BORING. A three and out in football, by the Browns, against the Seahawks, has more action than an entire baseball game. At least the players are moving around and shit.

    Whenever I hear people talking about baseball, it’s 99% of the time never about the actual game, or cool plays (there are a FEW, sure, but overall there aren’t that many), it’s ALWAYS about fucking stats. Baseball would be nothing without the fucking stats. There’s not enough singular enjoyable in an individual baseball game to talk about it.

    Eh, fucking baseball. No point in debating. Baseball fans are like Republicans, they believe in something stupid so intensely, that there’s no convincing them of how dumb it is.

    Nice, I got to sneak in a political jab in my baseball rant.

  2. Actually I just glazed over the numbers you had for predicting how many games you’ll think the teams will win. You think the worst team in the league si still gonna win 67 fucking games…!!! What a stupid sport! Reduce the fucking season to 30 games, them maybe people will give a shit, and the MLB playoffs won’t lose in ratings battles with crap like CSI: Miami.

  3. and 3 minutes of baseball highlights may have been an exaggeration, probably more like 90 seconds, it only takes a few seconds to hit a ball, and run over to its general area, and that’s barely action.

  4. basketball is pretty cool, too. I just don’t follow it as much as I’d like to.

    and the NFL season not being here isn’t a pro-baseball thing really. I’d rather download and watch old games from the 1992 NFL season come this fall, than watch the current baseball season. if i only had the option to watch the world series, or go to sleep early at 7pm that day, it wouldn’t take me more than half a second of thought to start crawling into bed.

  5. Oh my god! How can you like basketball?! Teams that are under .500 get into the playoffs! WHAT A STUPID SPORT! And don’t get me started on how many games are in the season!

  6. half the games of baseball, and 1000x more excitement. but I’m not gonna sit here and defend basketball like I give a god damn. it’s aight, WAY better than baseball, but not as good anymore as it was when I was a 10 year old kid in chicago during the Jordan era. LUC LONGLEY FOR THE WIN

  7. dude, baseball is worse than bowling and golf. THERE I SAID IT.

    Of course it’s the american game. The only game fat unatheletic fucks can be million dollar superstar people.

    OH MY GOD HE TORE HIS ACL RUNNING TO FIRST BASE. No seriously.

    In a single game of NBA basketball between the timberwolves and the cavs there’s probably more entertaining highlight moments than an entire season for an MLB team.

    Baseball isn’t a sport. It’s a skill. It’s like golf… or darts. It’s hard to hit a baseball but who cares when it takes him a minute to get to first base.

    Fuck baseball. If black people aren’t super stars, it’s not a real sport. JUST LIKE HOCKEY. fuck hockey.

    Even the players get bored with how long the season is. And no one really cares about their teams. They just wanna go booze it up. No one goes to a baseball game to watch baseball. Just goes to show what a doosh of a sport it is.

  8. The only reason black people aren’t superstars in either of those sports (even though there are several in baseball, Carl Crawford and CC Sabathia to name just two) its because you don’t have ice rinks in the ghetto, and a baseball field is a lot harder to maintain than a basketball court. I’m not being racist either, its just true.

    And heres the definition of sport
    http://www.thefreedictionary.com/sport

    And in Golf literally nothing happens for hours on end. NOTHING.

  9. Think about it this way, sports all got invented at one point, obviously. Let’s pretend we live in an alternative universe where we only had sub sports like golf, bowling, row boat shit, whatever, you get what I’m saying, up until this last year.

    Then THIS YEAR, the following sports were invented and played out their inaugural year in 2011: football, baseball, basketball, soccer, and hockey.

    So in their first year of watching them, with NO previous history or legacy of the sport, no previous stats, no tradition yet, which do you think would be the most popular sports for people to watch:

    1. Football
    2. Basketball
    3. Hockey
    4. Baseball
    5. Soccer

    And that also happens to be the order of how exciting the games are too. WHAT DO YA KNOW. without history or tradition, baseball is just a bunch of slobs hitting a ball with a finely crafted stick, and running in a circle very slowly.

    and in other countries Soccer would probably be higher, but I went with American fake statistics.

  10. yea and Rugby would be above Football as well. In fact Cricket would be too. Oh and SO WOULD BASEBALL. Baseball is a global sport as well as an American sport. Is Football an Olympic sport? Nope! Because no one outside of America plays football (except Canada and we can both agree they suck). But football has so much excitement! How has the whole world not caught on???

    And what those “slobs” do is scientifically the hardest thing to do in all of sports. Hitting a baseball that is.

  11. well, my soccer reference was a joke. the reason football isn’t played all over the world, is the same reason soccer is so popular almost everywhere: money. Football is easily the most expensive sport to play because of all the equipment; while soccer only requires a patch of grass, a ball, and a few garbage cans spread apart as a goal. that should have nothing to do with the excitement level of the games. (and it’s also why baseball can be played easily all over the world, because its just a bat, a ball, and 4 things you can lay on the ground and pretend are bases.)

    Also, football requires a huge skill set for each position, and the market for players is very concentrated, so much so that the NFL has basically all the best football players in the world (kind of like how the NBA saps Europe for all their best players). But pretty much anybody can play baseball, that’s why there are shitty baseball leagues in Venezuela and Indonesia. How easy (or accessible) it is to play the sport, shouldn’t effect the entertainment value.

    Also, the hitting the ball argument, it’s shit. You’re basically saying that the game of baseball is exciting because of the player’s inability to score. HOW THRILLING. And you told me earlier how AMAZING a no-hitter is. so, the most amazing thing in baseball is gauged by how boring one pitcher can make a game?

    A 3-0 Football game would suck. sure, you could tout the defense for doing a good job, but people like watching, ya know, exciting things happen in sports, usually. I guess not if you’re a baseball fan.

    Most of the crowd at baseball games aren’t even looking at the play, there’s so much fucking downtime with nothing to do, or nothing happening. people just look up and clap when the 30% of the crowd that’s paying attention starts to clap. IT’S NOT JUST WHAT I WAS DOING, I WAS LOOKING AROUND, by the 3rd inning, most people just stop fucking caring about the game.

    And you didn’t really take into account my fake universe situation, you still just said baseball (and rugby and cricket) would be popular because they are popular all over the world now. based on just the game’s value itself, baseball is such fucking garbage compared to every other sport if you take away it’s history, which baseball fans cling to like it’s their only source of air. which leads me to the point i made with you last weekend, baseball is just a historical gimmick. people only care about it for the nostalgia. nothing new ever happens.

    which is why going to a baseball game is like going to the museum:

    -It’s kind of neat to go if you haven’t been since you were a kid.

    -You get to see a bunch of shit that hasn’t changed in 100 years

    -Part way through the experience it starts to get really boring

    -The food you had halfway through was probably the most memorable part of the day

    -It’s only fun if you go with friends

    -There’s a bunch of dorky kids everywhere saying nerdy shit about statistics instead of enjoying what their actually looking at

    -You wish you were drunk the whole time, just to make it more exciting

    -You’re kind of happy you went, because you had a good time with your friends, you probably don’t remember anything too specific, but at the end of the day, you realize you don’t wanna go back for a long time because it drains the fuck out of you, and you basically saw everything it has to offer in your one trip.

    and besides, I don’t even know why your bashing football, you like football. don’t throw football under the bus, joe, just to defend the shitty sport of baseball. you damn well know football is better.

  12. Also, baseball is the only team sport with no turnovers. just to add to the boredom. it’s like the defense forces you to punt to end every inning. Nothing surprising ever happens.

  13. Hockey is expensive to play and thats played more places than football. And all football takes is a ball and a direction for the touchdown. THAT’S IT. You don’t need pads and all that other shit to play football. sure its a lot more dangerous but football isn’t as expensive to play as you claim it is.

    And I’m not throwing football under the bus. This is a stupid argument in the first place. This is your argument BASEBALL ISN’T FUN BECAUSE I HAVE A DIFFERENT IDEA OF WHAT FUN IS. Thats it. You’re bashing an entire sport and the people who play it because you have a different idea of fun. For example, I hate 90 percent of the music you listen to because of the jackasses you associate yourself with whenever you slap on those headphones. But that’s because I have a different opinion on music. But am I writing small essays about how what your listening to “doesn’t meet my idea of what’s exciting or fun”? No I’m not.

    I can appreciate a no hitter the same way I can appreciate a 3-0 game in football. And that’s because I appreciate the sport they are playing, I’m sorry you can’t. When a pitcher has 20 strikeouts or when someone hits a 500 ft home run THATS AWESOME. Now I’ll stop you from saying “Well that only happens every now and then, mostly it’s just guys standing around waiting for something to happen.” But the thought that it can happen at any point is awesome to me. Just like the thought someone can break a 60 yd run at any point is awesome to me. I’m a “Sports” fan. You’re a “Football” fan. So please stop telling us what we already know. And get off your high horse.

  14. Haha, well, if I can’t have a loud annoying opinion on the comment section of a blog, then I don’t know what the point of the internet is. So yeah, baseball does still suck, it’s boring as shit, and I feel sorry for people who are suckered into watching it. JUST MY OPINION FROM THE HIGH HORSE.

    “For example, I hate 90 percent of the music you listen to because of the jackasses you associate yourself with whenever you slap on those headphones. But that’s because I have a different opinion on music. But am I writing small essays about how what your listening to “doesn’t meet my idea of what’s exciting or fun”? No I’m not.”

    You just did.

    And saying I can’t “appreciate the sport they are playing” is kind of a dickish, pretentious comment in itself. I just appreciate interesting sports, that’s all.

    DONE WASTING MY TIME TALKING ABOUT BASEBALL. I need to get some porn posts on this site as soon as possible.

  15. The argument that hitting a ball is so hard, which makes it amazing what they do is so lame.

    If they added a 4 point line and made it half court in basketball, and they only hit it 25% of the time, would that make basketball better? No.

    Also hitting a golf ball with accuracy is probably as hard if not harder than hitting a baseball. Does that make golf fun to watch? Fuck no. It blows. Just like baseball blows.

    It’s a skill not a sport, is bowling/golf a sport? Cause unless you think those 2 are sports, then it’s not.

    If a fat out of shape 40+ year old can be an impact player it’s not a sport.

    And don’t get me started about the DH. I mean seriously what the fuck, ITS JUST BASEBALL AND YOU DON”T PLAY BOTH WAYS? WTF.

    The sport blows. The fans are largely a joke. Pretty much no one gives a shit about the actual game, it’s just a social experience. Which is fine, as long as that is acknowledged.

    Why do you think so many people are cubs fans? I can tell you it’s not cause they’re a winning team. It’s cause they’re all a bunch of hipster yuppie douches that think it’s cool to be part of a lovable loser history. fuck baseball. seriously.

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