People have told me that I have an eclectic taste in music. I have music on my computer that ranges from classical, to country, to punk. That being said, I listen to some pretty god awful music from time to time. I have music that I listen to in secret. Late at night, when no one is around to see, I put on my headphones and rock out to some of the trashiest and potentially gayest music known. Some of the songs are so embarrassing, that while I am listening to them, I actually turn off my audio scrobbler so as to keep in the dark how terribly addicted I am to this filth. Here are just some of the atrocities that I subject my ears to on a semi regular basis.
Aqua and The Venga Boys
I group these two bands together because, lets be honest, they are essentially the same. These bands take me back to my jr high school days. Our bus for some reason had speakers and the bus driver had no shame. He forced B96 (a pop station in Chicago), on our young impressionable ears, AND WE LIKED IT. This was the time of “Barbie Girl“. You could not go anywhere without hearing that damned song. When it came on, all the kids in the bus would sing it. We were like queens at a dance club. The sad thing is, when I got older I decided to look into Aqua’s hit album Aquarium and I found several other songs on it that I liked… I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING! You are right, its disgusting, but I basically know all the words to “My Oh My“, “Barbie Girl”, and “Doctor Jones“. I fucking LOVE those songs. Yea, I said it so?! While living in Japan, I had many a drunken night that ended in a karaoke booth. Aqua was sung. Am I proud of it? No. Would I do it again? Most definitely. Chicks dig shameless dudes and I am willing to fill that role.
Don’t think I forgot about the Venga Boys. The Venga Boys in my opinion, aren’t as catchy as Aqua. They do however, have one song that will inevitably get stuck in my head if I hear even a second of it. BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM I WANT YOU IN MY ROOM! LETS SPEND THE NIGHT TOGETHER IN MY ROOM! Guys, play this song to the ladies and it will most definitely get you laid. Try it, I guarantee you it will work.
Come on Eileen and the rest of the 80s
Lets jump to my high school years. Even though I basically started my high school days at the beginning of the new millennium, this was when I discovered the music of the 80s. And what a horrendous era it was. Sure the 80s gave us some great stuff, but it also produced mutants like Dexy Midnight Runners. Look at these turds, they have overalls on! Who does that?! I, fucking, LOVED “Come on Eileen“. I listened to it over and over. It was so lame, but not lame enough to stop me from blasting it over my car radio while driving through my high school parking lot. I guess it goes without saying but, I was a ladies man. I was a 5’3″, 100 pound adonis that would woo women to my 1984 Buick Lesabre chariot by serenading them with the hits of the 80s.
Oh but my shame didn’t stop there. No, no it did not stop there at all. The 80s provided me with other gems like, “Electric Avenue” by Eddy Grant, “We Built This City” by Jefferson Starship, and “Take it on the Run” by REO Speedwagon. This is just scraping the surface of the shit-cake, that is 80s music, AND I GOBBLE THAT CAKE UP HAPPILY ON A REGULAR BASIS! DON’T YOU REMEMBER? WE BUILT THIS CITY ON ROCK AND ROLL!
Pop Divas such as Katy Perry and Beyonce
Yes I said pop divas, and yes I am sorry that I said it. Really, I am not a fan of pop divas. I actually hate them and their overly processed, boring pop music. But every once and a while… When the air is right and the moon is full, I get suckered into a liking a pop song by one of these harlots. I think the first talentless tramp that hypnotized me with her inescapable auto-tuned voice was Brittany Spears. The song being, “Toxic“. In my college days, my friends and I had some pretty epic LAN parties that would span whole weekends. Sometimes we would listen to songs on a continuous loop. This song was the first. We all listened to it like it was a joke, but we all knew in our slowly blackening souls…. We fucking loved that song. Brittany Spear’s voice couldn’t sound more processed and we didn’t care. THE TUNES HAD SEDUCED US!
This was only the beginning of my slow downfall into listening to other pop divas. The most recent being, Lady Gaga, Beyonce, and Katy Perry. Let’s start with Lady Gaga. I think she is an attention seeking poser who stand in the shadows of such greats as David Bowie. She will never achieve their success because she doesn’t have an original bone in her body. I can’t ignore her catchy claptrap though. Together, I have listened to “Telephone” and “Bad Romance” close to one hundred times. I might be exaggerating but I am sure that number is close to accurate. I was(and am) so embarrassed to like these songs, that it took me a long time before I willingly downloaded them. I still listen to “Bad Romance” on youtube only. I feel like maybe if I don’t download the songs that I won’t listen to them as much. That doesn’t seem to be true though…
I wasn’t as strong with Beyonce’s “Halo”. I downloaded that and unabashedly listened to that over and over. Even with my audio scrobbler on, I listened to it. It has recorded that I have listened to that song 21 times. That was over the course of 2 days. It also doesn’t take into account all the times I listened to it that week on youtube and believe me, it was comparable.
Katy Perry does not have as strong a hold on me as the others do. I don’t know what it is about her music but it does not catch me as much as the others. Except for “E.T”, which is her new single. That song has got me by the gonads. I have been listening to it basically all night. That’s actually what inspired this post. Everyone should go and listen to it cuz itz got sum gud beatz.
Kesha…(not going to use the $)
I am not embarrassed that I listen to Kesha. I HATE myself for listening to Kesha. Kesha is basically everything that is wrong with America, rolled into a hepatitis infected, retch inducing, ugly package. Listening to her lyrics is like hearing the dreams of thousands of girls being dashed to bits as they are drunkenly screwed at a frat party by Todd and Cody (Eiffel tower her bro!). But hey! She is having fun right?! Being drunk all the time, having no cares, rinsing puke out of your hair right before you make the walk of shame, that’s what living is all about right?! I might let this all go except for the fact that she seems to try to market herself TO LITTLE GIRLS! Hey girls everywhere, grow up and be like me! Its not like I’ll be a total burn out in the next few years! Parents that allow their children to let someone like Kesha be their role model, shouldn’t be allowed to have kids. Child services should be called on them immediately.
Anyways, I really find her terrible music terribly catchy! When I first heard it, I immediately puked, then I put it on my ipod and listened to it on my bike rides to and from work. Kesha is the only catchy music I actually limit myself with. I go out of my way to not listen to her music anymore. If it gets stuck in my head, I try and kick it out. Every once and a while though I have moments of weakness, and I listen to this stupid bitch sing her stupid words.
Anywho, this is just a small sampling of the terrible music that I will occasionally listen to. Usually I listen to regular music. You can actually follow what I listen to here, and yes I am aware of what I have listened to recently. I NEEDED INSPIRATION FOR THIS POST OK?!