Drunken Movie Review: Little Fockers

I’m not sure how often I’ll be getting drunk for the purposes for this blog, but I’ll give it a chance right now.  Some movies I’ll never want to see sober in my life, but I’m willing to give them a chance while under the influence.  Little Fockers is one of those movies.  I’ll be doing a real time review as I watch the movie, so I’ll be getting drunker as the movie goes along.

In honor of The Rum Diary, which I saw earlier today (review will come tomorrow), I’ll be hitting up the Sailor Jerry for this brilliant cinematic masterpiece.

Here we go:

Starting off with zany piano music, I like this.  Good start.  Whoa, THIS kid is the main child actor…?  He’s super annoying based on the first line of dialogue.

Whoa, starting off with the kid saying he doesn’;t have any real friends.  This was not followed up by a joke of any kind.  This shit is getting dark already.

HARVEY KIETEL!!!  HIS PAYCHECK MUST HAVE BEEN HUGE!

Uh oh, Jessica Alba…  if there was ever a sign that a movie was going to be horrible, it’s the casting of Jessica Alba.

Plot point/HILARIOUS UPCOMING JOKE #1:  Ben Stiller will start endorsing boner pills.

Need to show a medical problem to show Ben Stiller’s expertise as a medical professional, and its putting a tube up an angry black guy’s ass.  No jokes are really being said, but, ya know, SOMETHING IS UP THIS GUY’S BUTT LOLOLOLOLOL.

Oh Robert DeNiro…  why?

HILARIOUS UPCOMING JOKE #2:  Barbara Streisand is selling musical condoms.

Shoehorning Dustin Hoffman in the movie, giving a cheap excuse not to be in the rest of the movie.  LOL HE JUST SAID REVERSE COWGIRL!!!!!!!!!!

where are the jokes?

CAMEO #17: Owen Wilson

Is it just me, or do Owen Wilson’s lips always look painfully chapped?

Jet-ski monks?  was that a joke?  there’s no jokes!

HILARIOUS UPCOMING JOKE #3:  Jack has to keep his stress level down, or he’ll have another heart attack.  UHHHHHHHHH OHHHHHHHHHHHH

FOCKER JOKE #1:  “The Godfocker” (said 4 times in one scene, in case you didnt LOL the first time)

Projectile vomit on Ben Stiller’s face.  kinda random.  i liked it.  but they cut away too quickly.  the kid should have puked on his face 2 or 3 more times.

OH OH, Greg is going to cut the turkey. ooooooooooo thats a sharp knife.  i wonder if anything will go wrong.

HILARIOUS UPCOMING JOKE #4:  Jack hates lizards.  but Greg’s son has a lizard for a pet.  JUST SAYING.

“can a girl poop from her vagina?”.  ok, first funny joke of the movie.  this was not elaborated on or answered in any way.  kind of brilliant.

GREG CUT HIS FINGER WHILE CARVING THE TURKEY.  BLOOD EVERYWHERE.  ohhh hes fine.  wait, they just fucking moved on to the next scene immediately?  its like rapid fire non-jokes.  this is almost genius how they do the setup, shitty joke, “OK, NEXT!” formula.  another example, owen wilson just snapped that kid’s neck.  they just moved right on.

such interesting cinematography/editing.  MEDIUM SHOT.  MEDIUM SHOT.  MEDIUM SHOT.  MEDIUM SHOT.  MEDIUM SHOT.

CAMEO #21: Laura Dern.  I wish i was watching Jurassic Park right now.

GAY JOKE:  she immediately thought Ben Stiller and Robert DeNiro were a gay couple.  THATS NORMAL, RIGHT?  i mean, whenever I see two dudes standing next to each other, my mind always goes right to gay couple.  even when one looks like he’s 40 years older than the other one.  my dad and I OFTEN get mistaken for a gay couple everywhere we go.

greg is going to move a dumpstruck.  im pretty sure you need a special license to drive that I;m sure nothing will g- OH JACK JUST GOT COVERED IN DIRT.

MOVE ON TO THE NEXT SCENE WITHOUT ADDRESSING THE LAST ONE.

Jessica Alba.  such a good actress.  keep living the dream.

subterfuge.  overly complex vocabulary for this film’s target audience.

why cant Deniro just trust ben stiller’s character?  hes a good guy, he has a good job, he takes care of his kids and wife…  DeNiro is like disturbingly mentally unstable in these films.  they should take it a few steps further and like have scenes where like Stiller wakes up and DeNiro is like standing over him casually masturbating while quietly weeping about Vietnam.

JOKE FULFILLMENT:  Jack has a perma-boner for Greg’s boner medicine.

LOL GREG NEEDS TO GIVE HIM A SHOT OF ADRENALINE IN JACK’S BONER.  Pulp Fiction would be proud.

Kid walked in on boner shot.  I am a fan of how many times this movie is making me write the word boner.  +1

how many times are they gonna do this “I’m watching you” joke in this series of movies?  they rehash jokes as much as Austin Powers.

fake fart noise sound effect.  I appreciate that.

Hey, Ruxin from The League was in this for one line of dialogue.  I wish I was watching The League right now.

oh man.  I can’t even joke about it anymore.  Jessica Alba fucking sucks.

people, like, go see movies like this in theaters…?  and laugh at them…?  this is the most watered down hogwash of a comedy I’ve evere seen.  GENERIC COMEDY LOL.  BUTTS!  BONERS!  FOCKER ALMOST SOUNDS LIKE FUCKER!  ALMOST!  SO ITS NOT QUITE OFFENSIVE!

“Godfocker” was just said two more times.

Jessica Alba took the boner pills?  OK.  100% serious.  for this first time in this entire movie, I’m interested in what’s about to happen.  well done. oh the boner pills -  Sustaingo (almost as good as Unobtainium, SUCK IT JAMES CAMERON) gets girls high or something.  that didnt go anywhere.  squandered opportunity.  I was kinda hoping Alba would grow a huge boner.

Presented without Comment

ohhhhhhhhhhhh my god, this movies only been on for an hour and 15 minutes, it ffeels like i’ve been watching it for 3 hours.

I miss good Dustin Hoffman movies.

EMOTIONZ.

Ben Stiller and Bobby D having a fistfight in a ball pit.  Jaws reference was actually kind of funny.  then it immediately delved directly into uninteresting territory.

JOKE FULFILLMENT:  Stress leads to Jack heart attack.

wait, Jessica Alba’s chacarter’s name was Andi Garcia?  is that a jab at Andy Garcia?  he’s actually a good actor…

ohhhh no, i just checked my comcast “get info”, theres still 7 minutes left in this movie.  WHYYYYYY?????????

oh thank god its over.  to be honest i just sort of browned out during the final scene.

Drunk Scott has laughed at home shopping network before.  this movie barely got a smile out of me.

Final Thoughts:  this movie was really shitty.

2.5 out of 10

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One thought on “Drunken Movie Review: Little Fockers

  1. Pingback: Drunken Movie Review: The Secret Lives of Dorks | Dino Bone

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