12 and 1/2 Minutes in Movie Trailer Hell

yikes...

I went to see The Artist tonight (review coming later [quick take: it's fucking awesome]), and I don’t know the last time you went to a small budget, independent European film, but the trailers for it are all “along the same lines”.  They are catered to the audience of the movie you are seeing, it’s just like you see mostly horror trailers in front of horror movies, and action trailers in front of action movies, etc.  But the trailers in front of The Artist MADE ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF.  Longest 12 and 1/2 minutes I’ve possibly ever spent in a movie theater.  Check these out:

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

Is this the Wild Hogs equivalent for even older people?  The elderly couple sitting behind me laughed at almost every shitty joke in this (including a huge burst of a cackle at that last “If she dies, she dies!” joke).  I guess they are starting to make movies catered specifically to the elderly.  I will say though, I’ve gone to movies at 1 pm on Sundays before, for movies not targeted at old people, and they fill the theater all the time.  You target these old people with fantasies of wrinkled sex and British accents, there are gonna be a shitload of sold out noon shows for this on opening weekend.  Nice work, I guess?  At least it had but the slightest amount of energy in this trailer.  Can’t say the same about the four that followed it.

Salmon Fishing in the Yemen

Holy shit, this looks like the most boring topic anyone could possibly think of.  I’d rather watch Paul Blart on repeat for an entire weekend then sit through this awful looking, pseudo-intellectual drivel just once.

Albert Nobbs

Ohhhhhh my god.  This looks like the most dry movie ever made.  I bet your eyes turn to sand when you watch this.

The Iron Lady

I fucking hate biopics about uninteresting people. Did anyone even ask for this shit?

W.E.

Directed by Madonna?  What?  Isn’t this, like, the same shit as The King’s Speech?  It looks awful.  These all look like movies for old people.  Or boring people who read newspapers, and are proud of the fact they read newspapers, like, make it outwardly known to everyone that they read newspapers.  You know who I’m talking about.  The person who you try and have a conversation about how awesome Boardwalk Empire is, and they somehow turn it into a story about how much they love NPR.  I fucking hate when that happens.

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8 thoughts on “12 and 1/2 Minutes in Movie Trailer Hell

  1. Glenn Close and Meryl Streep have always been the same person in my head. The concept of Albert Nobbs is just…confusing to me. Is she a woman pretending to me a man? Transgendered? Wants to be a woman? Wants to me a man? What is going on with this?

  2. Also, god I hate Madonna. I can see where you would have hated these 12 minutes, as they were pretty dry, but I’d have to say the Salmon fishing one is the absolute worst. I just cannot wrap my head around why anyone would think that was worth watching. It’s fucking fish.

  3. @ Scottodactyl – After “Fatal Attraction,” all men hate Glenn Close (understandably). And too bad Madonna didn’t direct the Salmon Fishing movie… she could have renamed her stupid song “Like A Sturgeon.” At least the content would ring true.

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