Another glorious NFL Draft is upon us. For most fans, it’s a great chance to see your team add young talent to their budding roster. As a Miami Dolphins fan, it’s a spectacular list of young players who probably won’t still be on our team 3 years from now. We prefer to trade our players for less value after a couple of seasons, or just cut them. This method must make sense to someone in the front office. It must!
Anyway, I thought I’d give some super deep analysis on all the draft picks in the first round tonight. And as a Dolphins fan, you should assume that everything I say will be horribly bitter and of little actual value.
1. Indianapolis Colts – Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford
Have fun throwing to (insert Colts receiver, none of which are significant enough for me to remember). Wait, is Reggie Wayne still on the team?
2. Washington Redskins – Robert Griffin III, QB, Baylor
Time to go masturbate into a designer sock.
3. Cleveland Browns – Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama
It’s a bittersweet moment when you get that phone call alerting you that you’ve succeeded in your dream of becoming a professional football player… but you’ll be living out that dream in Cleveland.
4. Minnesota Vikings – Matt Kalil, OT, USC
I didn’t even realize the Vikings had the 3rd overall pick to begin with. I knew they weren’t good last year, but I thought they finished 7-9 or something. I guess that shows how much I give a shit about the Vikings.
5. Jacksonville Jaguars – Justin Blackmon, WR, Oklahoma St
The best part about getting drafted by the Jaguars is that there’s a strong chance you’ll be playing in Los Angeles in the near future.
6. Dallas Cowboys – Morris Claiborne, CB, LSU
Jerry Jones will be rock hard tonight.
Are the Bucs possibly the least interesting team in the NFL? They don’t do anything good enough to warrant conversation, but at the same time they aren’t epically bad enough to warrant mocking.
8. Miami Dolphins – Ryan Tannehill, QB, Texas A&M
Oh great, a scrambling QB who used to be a WR… Just what the Dolphins need, more unconventional gimmicks to supply us with 3 years of questionable excitement and failed potential. This seems like Jeff Ireland not waiting to get who we need, but merely getting the best guy *available* who’s playing the position everyone complains about in Miami, so that people will complain about Ireland’s job performance a little less for few months. I’d rather wait until we could have gotten a 6’5″ pocket passer with football fundamentals. With Tannehill, I see a lot of 6-10 seasons in our future. Make me eat my words, Tannehill… I WANT YOU TO MAKE ME EAT THEM! Well, at least he has a great receiver to throw to in Brandon Mar- …oh.
9. Carolina Panthers – Luke Kuechly, LB, Boston College
I’m 18 seasons into a Madden sim, and two seasons ago in the sim I traded a 81 rated first round QB with only B potential to the Panthers for a first, second, and third round draft choice in the next year’s draft. This leads me to believe that the Panthers are run by fucking morons in my Madden sim. I tell you this needless story because I don’t have a real opinion on this pick.
10. Buffalo Bills – Stephon Gilmore, CB, South Carolina
Gilmore will be an important cog in the Bills’ machine. A machine that’s mainly designed to go 6-2 to start the season, then lose 7 of their last 8 games.
11. Kansas City Chiefs – Dontari Poe, DT, Memphis
Did you know that the Chiefs’ mascot is a wolf? How does that make sense? Shouldn’t it be a heroic Native American dude? I get that the Native Americans dislike being objectified as mascots for sports teams, but I think it’s as offensive or less offensive as, say, the Norwegian people being portrayed as pillaging vikings. Or the Spaniards being portrayed as swashbuckling buccaneers on a cartoonish pirate ship… Oh, the pick? Yeah he looks alright based on the tape they just showed.
12. Philadelphia Eagles – Fletcher Cox, DT, Miss St
“The Dream Team” is rebuilding their dream of staying at .500. No shame in 8-8! It’s not technically a losing season! (Eagles fans start throwing batteries at me)
13. Arizona Cardinals – Michael Floyd, WR, Notre Dame
I love when they show really good college players dominating other players from small schools who may or may not be that guy from your Biology 101 class who was a walk-on, that joined the team just to get laid.
14. St. Louis Rams – Michael Brockers, DT, LSU
He will lead the league in awesome beards.
15. Seattle Seahawks – Bruce Irvin, LB, West Virginia
He went to jail for robbery? And then destruction of property? I’m sure the cruel tutelage of known hardass Pete Carroll will keep him on track… :/ “Hey, uh, Bruce, could you not steal my car, please, uhhh, ohh, there he goes… hmmmm… I bet he’ll bring it right back…” (Bruce sticks his arm out the window and flicks off Pete Carroll while raising the volume on his DMX CD)
16. New York Jets – Quinton Coples, DE, North Carolina
I don’t even know who this guy is, but I already hate his guts for getting drafted by the Jets. I wish him painful “hot sauce” diarrhea on a consistent basis.
17. Cincinnati Bengals – Dre Kirkpatrick, CB, Alabama
Can you believe that Marvin Lewis is still head coach of this team…? I swear he got fired like three seasons ago. I don’t know what’s worse, having the steady mediocrity of Marvin Lewis, or the rotating carousel of bad coaches every couple of seasons that come through Miami. At least we get new, fresh people to complain about on a regular basis.
18. San Diego Chargers – Melvin Ingram, DE, South Carolina
I was hoping for a WR here, because I take great interest in who Philip Rivers yells at on the sidelines after he throws interceptions.
19. Chicago Bears – Shae McClellen, LB, Boise State
I’m sure he’ll be a disappointment, much like every Bears first round pick of the last 10 years. Get a load of this list since 2001: David Terrell (bust), Marc Colombo (bust), Michael Haynes (??? I don’t even know who this guy is), Rex Grossman (bust), Tommie Harris (good for like 3 seasons, but an overall bust), Cedric Benson (good on Bengals, terrible on Bears), Greg Olson (could barely move past that slow oaf Desmond Clark on the depth chart, then traded to Panthers for 3rd round pick), & Gabe Carimi (too soon to tell, but he spent a chunk of his rookie season on IR, so he’ll probably never play a full season in his career with Chicago’s luck).
20. Tennessee Titans – Kendall Wright, WR, Baylor
What, Randy Moss isn’t good enough for the Titans anymore?
21. New England Patriots – Chandler Jones, DE, Syracuse
Will teams stop trading draft picks with New England? Every year they seem to have a dozen draft picks, and they are able to fill their roster with young scrappy players that immediately work in their system. I do salivate at the future though, maybe 4 or 5 seasons from now, when Belichick and Brady are retired, and the Patriots are back to being a 5-11 team that nobody cares about. The Brady years will be looked back upon as a dark time for everybody, for sure. Though, I really did get extreme pleasure both times the Giants beat them in the Superbowl. I’ll certainly miss being able to root AGAINST a team so viciously as I did the 2000′s era Patriots.
22. Cleveland Browns – Brandon Wheedon, QB, Oklahoma State
A 28-year-old ginger QB? I… …guess…? Whatever his skill level is, I think I have to make his epic crinkle face my new desktop background.
23. Detroit Lions – Riley Reiff, OL, Iowa
This looks like the kind of guy who eats a box of Easy Mac a day while playing Halo in his parent’s basement, not a multi-million dollar football player.
24. Pittsburgh Steelers – David DeCastro, G, Stanford
Who drafts a right guard in the first round? WHO DOES THAT?
25. New England Patriots – Dont’a Hightower, LB, Alabama
I think these picks are ruining all the work the Patriots have done the last few seasons to become the whitest team in the league.
26. Houston Texans – Whitney Mercilus, DE, Illinois
If you’ve made it this far, I assume you’ve realized that I don’t watch college football, and don’t know anything about any of these players.
27. Cincinnati Bengals – Kevin Zeitler, G, Wisconsin
This pick is unbearably uninteresting. You know, when I decided earlier today to do a draft analysis when I got home from work, I didn’t take into account that I would have nothing to say when teams like the Bengals draft an offensive lineman I’ve never heard of.
28. Green Bay Packers – Nick Perry, DE, USC
I was hoping they’d try to stack the offense even more.
29. Minnesota Vikings – Harrison Smith, S, Notre Dame
Thanks for taking away the Baltimore Ravens’ pick here, ruining opportunities to gratuitously quote The Wire… Eh, I’ll do it anyway: “I’ll do what I can to help y’all. But, the game’s out there, and it’s play or get played. That simple.” PERFECT DRAFT DAY WIRE QUOTE.
30. San Fransisco 49ers – A.J. Jenkins, WR, Illinois
Will this be the push that Alex Smith needs to go from mediocre to fairish? I’m so excited! (DISMISSIVE WANK)
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Doug Martin, RB, Boise State
That looks like a boring draft day party. Where’s the sluts?
32. New York Giants – David Wilson, RB, Virginia Tech
He wins the most smooth running back of the draft award. “Aww shucks, I’ll play football for you guys, as long as you say the magic word, girl.”
I hope you enjoyed reading this analysis, because I didn’t really enjoy writing it. Now to start drinking paint thinner in anticipation of the Tannehill Era of Miami football.