Premise: The reinvented Enterprise crew are back with a full one movie of character development under their belts, and now they meet their most dangerous foe yet; a handsome guy with above average athleticism and blood rich in space vitamins. Probably from eating future cereal. Do you think there’s still Cheerios in the future? I’m sure some cereal has made it to the 23rd century. Cheerios have always been a pretty popular choice. I definitely don’t think Cookie Crisp will survive. I think the government will outlaw that stuff eventually. Plus, I don’t see Benedict Cumberbatch eating Cookie Crisp. He’s too refined. He probably just takes one-a-day vitamins.
I’ve always been a big fan of Doctor Dreadful food kits. I didn’t even think they were still around. Then lo and behold, I was in a Michael’s with my girlfriend today and a colorful box caught the corner of my eye. The crazy doctor that taught me sugar + water = flavor when I was a kid is still going at it. When I was a kid and I was all like “Dad, buy me that Doctor Dreadful Stomach Churner kit! BUY IT FORRRR ME I NEEEEEEEED IT. DAAAAAAAAAAAD” and then he wouldn’t buy it for me because he already bought me the Bug Lab earlier that year; and it would make me sad. BUT now I’m an adult and I have my own money, so SUCK IT DAD, I CAN BUY THIS STUPID ZOMBIE LAB IF I WANT TO. I CAN BUY FOUR OF THEM IF I FEEL LIKE IT. I’M A GROWN UP.
So anyway it crossed my mind to purchase one of these fun time food makers and see if they can stand the test of time while making them as an adult. I’m also going to get drunk while I work in my laboratory, which is basically like a guarantee that I will puke violently by the end of the night. But don’t worry, as you can see by this picture of my childhood bedroom wall, I already earned two diplomas in Dreadful Science, so I’m authorized to experiment how I please.
Premise: This fly homeboy in old timey New York is throwing nonstop parties, and they are BALLER, hoping that this scorchin hawt honey he’s huntin shows up so that he can steal her away from some rich bro who treats her with mad disrespect, yo. Or at least that’s how my neighbor Tucker describes it.
Premise: How do you not know who Iron Man is?
I know we don’t review too many books around here (unless you count comic books, which we still don’t review that often), but I just read a really good book, so I’m going to talk about it! And you’re going to LISTEN!
As we were waiting in the movie theater for Pain & Gain to start, a weird thing started to happen. Two little kids, probably ages 6 and 3, walked into the theater by themselves and sat down a few rows behind us. No parents. Then some more kids, maybe 5 each, walked into the theater, but they at least had parents this time. And then another family walked in with probably a 10-year-old boy and a 7-year-old girl. And then ANOTHER family walked in with pre-teens. So many families walked in that I started to get concerned, not for the children’s well-being in an R-rated film anymore, but that perhaps that we had walked into the wrong auditorium. Maybe we stumbled into The Croods by mistake? About 15 minutes after the two very small children had entered the theater by themselves, two middle-aged white ladies with popcorn and drinks appeared around the corner smiling and talking, and eventually sat next to their children. And then Pain & Gain started. We were in the right theater. These families had indeed intentionally brought their young children into this VERY adult film. I don’t particularly remember the movie being advertised as anything family friendly, and even if they *did* get conned into seeing it, they could have taken their family out of the theater after the first strip club scene, or maybe at the first sign of dildos. Both of which happen before the halfway point. But nobody left. I don’t want to comment on anyone’s parenting abilities, but wow, this seemed like some fucking terrible parenting. I wonder how ironic that those two dumb ladies found it that they sent their young children blindly into a room full of adult strangers for 15 minutes, and the main plot of the film they watched involved a brutal kidnapping?
There might be some bitterness to this review, as I was expecting to go into the movie theater and see a sequel to The Witches of Eastwick. I mean, I know it’s not in high demand to produce a sequel to the film, but it did make over $60 million at the box office. It even got nominated for two Academy Awards! Plus, don’t you want to see the rebirth of Cher as an actress…?! Wasn’t she good in Mask? I feel like I’m going off topic…
Get ready for another entry into Hollywood’s recent obsession with giving teenagers supernatural powers, or something… Or whatever… Is it sad to say that I miss the era of movies when we were force-fed film after film about little British children going on magical adventures? Well, let’s not say things we can’t take back, but neither genre is particularly flattering (except Harry Potter, OBVIOUSLY).