Premise: The reinvented Enterprise crew are back with a full one movie of character development under their belts, and now they meet their most dangerous foe yet; a handsome guy with above average athleticism and blood rich in space vitamins. Probably from eating future cereal. Do you think there’s still Cheerios in the future? I’m sure some cereal has made it to the 23rd century. Cheerios have always been a pretty popular choice. I definitely don’t think Cookie Crisp will survive. I think the government will outlaw that stuff eventually. Plus, I don’t see Benedict Cumberbatch eating Cookie Crisp. He’s too refined. He probably just takes one-a-day vitamins.
Premise: This fly homeboy in old timey New York is throwing nonstop parties, and they are BALLER, hoping that this scorchin hawt honey he’s huntin shows up so that he can steal her away from some rich bro who treats her with mad disrespect, yo. Or at least that’s how my neighbor Tucker describes it.
Premise: How do you not know who Iron Man is?
As we were waiting in the movie theater for Pain & Gain to start, a weird thing started to happen. Two little kids, probably ages 6 and 3, walked into the theater by themselves and sat down a few rows behind us. No parents. Then some more kids, maybe 5 each, walked into the theater, but they at least had parents this time. And then another family walked in with probably a 10-year-old boy and a 7-year-old girl. And then ANOTHER family walked in with pre-teens. So many families walked in that I started to get concerned, not for the children’s well-being in an R-rated film anymore, but that perhaps that we had walked into the wrong auditorium. Maybe we stumbled into The Croods by mistake? About 15 minutes after the two very small children had entered the theater by themselves, two middle-aged white ladies with popcorn and drinks appeared around the corner smiling and talking, and eventually sat next to their children. And then Pain & Gain started. We were in the right theater. These families had indeed intentionally brought their young children into this VERY adult film. I don’t particularly remember the movie being advertised as anything family friendly, and even if they *did* get conned into seeing it, they could have taken their family out of the theater after the first strip club scene, or maybe at the first sign of dildos. Both of which happen before the halfway point. But nobody left. I don’t want to comment on anyone’s parenting abilities, but wow, this seemed like some fucking terrible parenting. I wonder how ironic that those two dumb ladies found it that they sent their young children blindly into a room full of adult strangers for 15 minutes, and the main plot of the film they watched involved a brutal kidnapping?
There might be some bitterness to this review, as I was expecting to go into the movie theater and see a sequel to The Witches of Eastwick. I mean, I know it’s not in high demand to produce a sequel to the film, but it did make over $60 million at the box office. It even got nominated for two Academy Awards! Plus, don’t you want to see the rebirth of Cher as an actress…?! Wasn’t she good in Mask? I feel like I’m going off topic…
Get ready for another entry into Hollywood’s recent obsession with giving teenagers supernatural powers, or something… Or whatever… Is it sad to say that I miss the era of movies when we were force-fed film after film about little British children going on magical adventures? Well, let’s not say things we can’t take back, but neither genre is particularly flattering (except Harry Potter, OBVIOUSLY).
I didn’t go into this film with the highest of expectations, nor did I go into it thinking it would be a stinker. At the very least, I was hoping that I’d be saying more after walking out of the theater than “Where did I park again?”, but that’s about right where it fell.
Premise: If it’s not obvious by his awful tattoo selection, stunt motorcyclist Luke (Ryan Gosling) makes terrible life choices. Most recently, he has knocked up a young woman (Eva Mendes) he met the previous time he was in Schenectady, NY, and now feels obligated to take care of his one-year-old son. His best means of providing for his son in the quickest way possible? Robbing banks. Meanwhile, rookie cop Avery (Brad Cooper) is also raising a one year old son, while struggling to deal with the internal corruption of the Schenectady police department. Perhaps in the future, these two gentlemen’s sons will meet in high school? PREDICTABLE SPOILER ALERT: THEY DO.
Premise: From the writer/director of Rubber (one of the better comedies of 2011), comes the story of a man whose dog gets kidnapped, and he tries to telepathically connect to the dog’s poop in order to solve the mystery. There are a couple of side plots too, but they, like most of the film, often made no sense.
Did you ever feel like you were crazy because you thought Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining was subliminally about the slaughter of the Native Americans, and no one believed you? Or maybe you thought that it was symbolic of the holocaust? Or, most commonly, I’m sure you are in the camp that believes that Kubrick staged the Apollo 11 moon landing, and The Shining was an elaborate way for the director to admit his guilt without actually saying it, right? Yeah, it’s probably the last one. That’s obviously the most rational theory.