RAPED By Video Games

If you couldn’t tell from the title, we video game players, gamers if you will, are a passionate bunch. Since the stereotypical gamer ventures forth into the dating world at a crippled pace, we are forced to pour our hearts into video games. Much like romance and relationships though, video game relationships can go bad too. They can seem so great on paper with their flashy graphics or new concepts, but it is not until after you have spent your money and time that you realize that your new object of affection was nothing more than a smooth talking con-artist. You walk away scarred from the experience, slightly more wary the next time around. Hopefully you learn your lesson and don’t experience the disappointment again. Unfortunately, there are times where a game is so deceitful and evil, that it doesn’t just break your heart. It rapes you. Sometimes a game will lure you in, get you to feel comfortable and safe, only to take advantage of you. Now that I am an adult, these assaults rarely happen to me anymore. Most of my video game rapes happened to enthusiastic youth. As we all know, it’s much easier to rape a child than an adult and those dirty developers know it. I’d like to say that I am smart enough not to let this happen to me anymore but I’d like to start with a very recent video game rape that happened to me just last week. 

My 75 Favorite Video Games of All Time

Prepare to Sweat

I’ve been in a particularly listy mood the past week.  I’ve been trying to think of something good to list about for a while now; maybe about some movie genre or current TV shows or something…  But then I thought why not do a completely introverted list of all the video games I’ve played in my life that have meant something to me?

If you’re in your mid-20s / late-30s (I’m 27), then this list may be particularly nostalgic for you.  I’ve basically owned video game systems my entire life, most often times being in the target demographic for the system when it came out.  I wasn’t a 20-year-old college student when Genesis came out, playing it in my dorm room or something.  I was like 6 years old!  Starting when I was a kid I’ve owned NES, Game Boy, Genesis, N64, Virtual Boy, Playstation, Dreamcast, Playstation 2, GameCube, Game Boy Advance, Wii and Playstation 3.  In addition to that I used to play a bunch of shitty-yet-awesome CD-ROM games on our family computer too.  I was practically raised on this mind numbing interactive entertainment.

This is NOT a list of the best video games of all time.  While that is a highly subjective topic (well, what list isn’t?), I don’t claim to be listing anything resembling a remotely universal collection of masterpieces.  These are just the games I’ve played over the last 20-some years that I’ve enjoyed the most.

So why might this list be of value to you to read?

1.  I hate almost all first person shooters and massively multiplayer online thingamajigs.  And also a lot of adventure games involving shooting.  I’m just not good at shooting things.  There might be one or two on the list, but you won’t find anything like Call of Duty, Halo, Resident Evil, Metal Gear Solid, or World of Warcraft taking up spots.

2.  I tend to enjoy very weird and gimmicky things.  Throw in some peripheral equipment and/or a nonsensical gameplay element, and you’ve got my attention.

3.  I had a very nerdy childhood, and spent a lot of time open-mouthed gawking at games I look back on now as something that would keep a mentally disturbed person occupied for long periods of time in an insane asylum.

4.  I don’t actually play that many modern games.  Mainly because the market caters to FPS and MMO games, which I just said I don’t play.  So you might get a few “Oh yeah, I remember that game!” nostalgic moments from some of the older games.

5.  I’ve never owned any form of the Xbox.  I’ve held an Xbox controller in my hand maybe 20 times in my life.  So there are zero Xbox games on this list.  Because, well, fuck Xbox…