Movie Review: Pain & Gain

As we were waiting in the movie theater for Pain & Gain to start, a weird thing started to happen.  Two little kids, probably ages 6 and 3, walked into the theater by themselves and sat down a few rows behind us.  No parents.  Then some more kids, maybe 5 each, walked into the theater, but they at least had parents this time.  And then another family walked in with probably a 10-year-old boy and a 7-year-old girl.  And then ANOTHER family walked in with pre-teens.  So many families walked in that I started to get concerned, not for the children’s well-being in an R-rated film anymore, but that perhaps that we had walked into the wrong auditorium.  Maybe we stumbled into The Croods by mistake?  About 15 minutes after the two very small children had entered the theater by themselves, two middle-aged white ladies with popcorn and drinks appeared around the corner smiling and talking, and eventually sat next to their children.  And then Pain & Gain started.  We were in the right theater.  These families had indeed intentionally brought their young children into this VERY adult film.  I don’t particularly remember the movie being advertised as anything family friendly, and even if they *did* get conned into seeing it, they could have taken their family out of the theater after the first strip club scene, or maybe at the first sign of dildos.  Both of which happen before the halfway point.  But nobody left.  I don’t want to comment on anyone’s parenting abilities, but wow, this seemed like some fucking terrible parenting.  I wonder how ironic that those two dumb ladies found it that they sent their young children blindly into a room full of adult strangers for 15 minutes, and the main plot of the film they watched involved a brutal kidnapping?

The 76 Films I Saw From 2011

I saw 76 films that were released in 2011.  I think that’s more than usual.  The last two years it was in the 50′s.  Anyway, as I like to do, I’ve ranked them in order of awesomeness.  If any of the grades are different than the original score I gave them, that’s because I’ve probably watched them again since and given them an updated value.  Or I’ve just had time to think about them more, and changed my mind a little bit.  Yes, I can do that if I want.  Maniacal laugh.  Maniacal laugh.  Maniacal laugh.

Movie Review:: Transformers: Dark of the Moon

I’d like Michael Bay if he looked and acted like Woody Allen.  Made the exact same movies but looked and acted like Woody Allen.  If he was just this mega nerd who was obsessed with explosions and special effects and gratuitously showed supermodels at inappropriate times during robot battles.  I would like that guy.  I would think he’s awesome.  Like a Peter Jackson type, who was a fat dork sitting in a dark room conjuring in his mind how he wanted to film the battle scenes in Middle Earth.  Instead Michael Bay is just unlikable Michael Bay.  He’s like the super popular rich snobby jerk in high school who got everything he wanted (girls, clothes, cars), but you think life will even out for him eventually and he’ll end up working at his dad’s car dealership in your hometown 10 years later, because the world is supposed to be fair, right?  But then he grew up, bedded countless supermodels while working for Victoria’s Secret making piles of money, then gets unlimited budgets for blockbuster movies with no apparent scripts, and well becomes a Michael Bay type.  I wanted to use a different person for the analogy, but Michael Bay is honestly the best person to fit that description.  I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t like Michael Bay as a person, and after reading his GQ oral history of Michael Bay article, I have no reason to believe he isn’t actually a pompous mega jerk.