Lazy Movie Review: The Guard

Premise:  Brendan Gleeson is a drug loving, hooker banging Irish cop (in Ireland!), but he’s still good at his job (like McNulty!).  When an international drug smuggling ring heads to his part of Ireland, an American FBI agent (Don Cheadle) becomes his new partner and *RECORD SCRATCH* there’s a culture clash!  How charmingly original.


-It has its funny moments.  The jokes that actually hit are pretty clever.

-It has an entertaining, albeit highly unoriginal plot.  Nothing you haven’t seen before.  Decent from a buddy cop film perspective.

-Brendan Gleeson is clearly having a fun time, it shows.  Don Cheadle is classic awesome Don Cheadle.  The chemistry between these two is the best part of the movie.  And it’s basically what the entire movie banks on.  Without Gleeson and Cheadle being their charming selves, this movie would be painfully below average.  It’s not even their characters so much, they are just likable actors doing a likable job.


-I think it has too many jokes where you’re laughing (or in my case; chuckling) at the fact that he is making Irish jokes in an Irish accent.  They aren’t even that particularly funny, but it becomes “haha, he said something I could barely make out with his garbled English, but I assume it was great.  Foreign accents are hi-larious.”  I will admit, the timing on most of Gleeson’s jokes are pretty darn good, but I just didn’t laugh that much.  Probably just me, since everyone else seemed to think this movie was amazing.

-Underused Mark Strong.

-Maybe I’m just slowly dying inside lately, but again, the emotional scenes didn’t seem all that emotional to me…  I did like the blend of serious and funny though, it tried to have a pretty good balance.

Final Thoughts:  I actually saw this in theaters like two or three weeks ago, but I’ve put off writing a review of it because I was pretty unimpressed, and uninspired.  It’s a movie I really wanted to like more.  I can see why people would really like it.  The two leads have a nice back and forth the whole movie.  Brendan Gleeson’s character is noticeably badass in his ways.  And the ending ain’t bad.  I don’t know, maybe I just wasn’t feeling the “Oh man!  This cop gets high and bangs prostitutes.  He’s so coooooooooooool…!  Cuz he’s a cop, get it?  Cops don’t usually do that!”  It just feels like it’s been done before.  I was pretty hung over and tired when I saw it too, maybe that factored in.  I don’t particularly think there’s anything to HATE about this movie, but I don’t feel like there’s really that much to LOVE.  It’s just somewhere in the middle.  And I wasn’t thinking it when I was actually watching it, but when I got home, I thought to myself “Did I just see a crappier, Irish version of Hot Fuzz…?”

6.5 out of 10

Lazy Movie Review: Hesher

I watch a lot of movies, but I’m usually too lazy to write reviews of all of them on the blog I assume no one reads (most blogs should assume this).  So I thought if I just write shitty, quick reviews of things I watch, then that would be better than nothing…?  I’ll still write up full reviews of most new, theatrical releases I see every weekend; but this format should work fine for the Blu-ray and cable movies I watch throughout the week.  Soak it up.

Premise:  A father and a son are grieving after losing the mother of their small family. While letting out grief, the son inadvertently disturbs the peace of Hesher, a tattooed asshole who listens to heavy metal and doesn’t give a shit about pretty much anything.  So he moves into their garage without asking, and their lives become Hesher filled.


-The cast is all pretty fantastic.  JGL is best when he’s in full asshole mode, and Rainn Wilson is good at playing depressed.  I hate child actors, and I didn’t really like this kid either, but he’s better than most.

-Natalie Portman’s depressing character gives hope that there is a hot cashier somewhere I can pull out of the gutter and marry one day.

-This is a movie that’s not shy about adult characters beating up children.

-The tone stays relatively consistent throughout, it had great potential to shift all over the place.


-Featured a kooky old lady character that I didn’t hate.  I normally would.

-The ending wasn’t bad.  It wasn’t great either.  It was alright.  I liked the testicle story.


-Maybe runs 10-15 minutes too long.

-Hesher (the character), while intriguing, scene stealing, and sometimes funny; is a complete asshole who I would hate in real life and would hope would die.  Very unlikable shithead, despite any redeeming values he shows in spurts.

-The car flashback scene…  Was that supposed to be stupid and corny?  It was the only scene that I felt was completely out of place and killed the film’s momentum.

-It’s not that subtle of a film.

-Seems oddly similar to Wilfred.

-I didn’t feel that much emotion in the parts that I was supposed to.  Kind of like Super 8.

Final Thoughts:  This plays out almost like a mind fuck movie, where you’re wondering if Hesher ever really existed to begin with, maybe he’s just a figment of this family’s imagination…?  Probably not though.  It’s fun watching Joseph Gorden Levitt destroy shit for an hour and 45 minutes, but you could tell the movie wanted to be deeper than that.  At the same time, I could see the writers not wanting you to read too deeply.  I actually almost like the movie better as a simple story of an asshole moving in with depressed people he doesn’t know.  I guess when I think about it, I was completely entertained during the entire movie, even if it doesn’t really go anywhere.  It’s slightly above average, and at the very least interesting.

7.5 out of 10

Movie Review: Moneyball

I predict Moneyball will be one of those movies that will receive a lot of awards nominations, but not win anything.  It just has that feel to it.  It never tries too hard and dips into Oscar bait territory, but it also falls short of being something truly special.  With Aaron Sorkin writing (some of?) it, it most certainly had touches of a Social Network vibe, but this will hardly have as lasting legacy as the Facebook movie (I assume) will have.  Moneyball is an entertaining movie, and has a good message.  And frankly, that’s all it really needs.

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Movie Review: Drive

So as I was leaving the theater after seeing Drive, I was walking behind this 20-something dude with a backwards baseball hat and a Tap-Out shirt.  I did some harmless eavesdropping, and he said “That was horrible, they should have focused more on the racing part or something.  What was that?  Just awful…”  Buddy, I hear ya.  And by that I mean you’re reenforcing my theory that most people are mindless explosion hounds.  I was happy I didn’t agree with this guy.  Unbearably happy.  I mean, c’mon man, this movie had a ton of great driving sequences, and I don’t even remember how many death scenes there were (and they were all pretty brutal).  And it still wasn’t enough for this schmuck.  I wonder what it looks like inside this guy’s head:

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Movie Review: Warrior

So after spending Monday night slinking into sadness, watching my beloved Miami Dolphins get humiliated by the outwardly evil Patriots, I needed to do something else tonight instead of sitting on the same couch I was squirming in the night before.  So I thought I’d catch a Tuesday night movie.  Warrior seemed like the best choice, since I was frustrated, and it looked like there was a ton of punching in it.

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Movie Review: A Good Old Fashioned Orgy

Let me just say, I didn’t realize how awkward it actually was to purchase a ticket for this movie until I was up at the box office, where the innocent looking teenage girl employee asked me what I wanted with a smile, and I said “one for A Good Old Fashioned Orgy…”  Right as the word orgy came out of my mouth, I immediately felt like a creep.  And seeing as how I was one of 5 people in the theater, I take it she wasn’t hearing that phrase all day…   A regrettable decision to not use the self-serve ticket kiosks this time (I had cash on me!).

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