Lazy Movie Review: Stake Land

Premise:  Pretty compelling tale of a ruthless owner of a meat packaging plant and the employees who are stealing his products and giving them to the poor.  They sneak out the meatiest cuts of porterhouse to feed their bankrupt town in a heartbreaking portrayal of middle America during this tough economy.  Oh..  wait…  I’m thinking of Steak Land.  This is Stake Land.  Oops.  This movie is about a vampire apocalypse or something.


-Plays out more like a depressing journey than a standard vampire movie would.

-Plenty of cool, striking visuals.

-Dropping live vampires from helicopters onto a town, as if they were bombs?  Hell yes!

-You can tell whoever made this movie really enjoyed making it, even if it wasn’t the greatest result.

-I didn’t see Priest, but I imagine this was better than Priest.



-I was on the fence about whether this was a good thing or a bad thing, but the vampires just look like zombies.  Also they roar like lions for some reason.

-Why do the vampires always have to burst into the scene, then stand still and roar for like 5 seconds before doing anything? I’ve noticed this in other movies too.

-The greatest danger of all…  is MAN!  Yeah, it’s one of those movies.

-Character developWHAAAAAA?  I don’t know what that means.

-I don’t know who Nick Damici is, but he seems like kind of a prick.

-There’s a “final battle”…  and then 12 more minutes of needless movie after it for some reason.  Could have ended the movie like 2 minutes after that scene, buddy.

-Shitty music score.  But I realize Stake Land probably couldn’t afford Hans Zimmer.


Final Thoughts:  There isn’t really a plot to this movie.  The protagonists just go from place A to place B.  Kind of like The Road; only less poetic, and with worse acting.  Stake Land just kind of starts, the characters run into random bullshit for 98 minutes, then it ends.  Still, an admirable effort, and I appreciate what they tried to do with the super played out vampire genre.  But you shouldn’t waste your time with this.  Steak Land is better.

5.5 out of 10

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