15 Terrible Movies I’m Ashamed to Admit I Always Watch When They’re on TV

I have a DVD/Blu-ray collection that has basically spiraled out of control.  It’s now at over 1300 titles.  I end up buying a lot of bad movies, a lot of which I buy before ever seeing them first.  HOWEVER, I do not own a *single* movie that appears on the following list.  Not one.  But I’ve seen all of them multiple times.  More times then I’d care to admit.  That’s because all of these movies are seemingly on television at all hours of the day (at least it feels that way).  And for some reason, whenever I’m flipping through channels and I see that one of them is on, I almost always click on them and just start watching them for no good reason.  They’re awful movies, and I realize they’re awful movies, and I’m not even watching them ironically.  I’m legitimately entertained, even though it’s probably the 5th time I’ve seen them this month.  There is something magical about these films.  They have some unknown power that draws me in every time they are on TV…

15.  Barbershop


Why would anyone want to work at this place if it’s this chaotic every day?  This is one of those movies where I can’t tell if it wants to be a comedy or a drama, and I can’t tell if what Cedric the Entertainer is doing is horribly racist or not.  Also, why do they need so many employees?  There’s only like 2 or 3 customers in there at a time.  That’s probably why you’re going bankrupt, Ice Cube.  You’re paying like 5 extra dudes to just stand there and spit cliche dialogue.

 

 

14.  Lake Placid


It may be because I have the mind of an eight-year-old, but if I see that the stupid movie about the big alligator is on, I have to turn to it.

 

 

13.  8 Mile


I remember seeing this in theaters, I was in college, and I snuck a bottle of soda filled with rum into the movie and drunkenly laughed throughout the whole thing.  Now I watch this movie sober, and still sit through the whole thing.  Fundamentally, it’s about as by-the-books as these kind of movies get.  But watching people get humiliated in rap battles gets me every time.  Every single time…

 

 

12.  The Replacements


This movie has such a lighthearted dumbness to it that it’s hard for me to hate it.  It’s like the movie equivalent of that pinheaded cousin you don’t want to talk to at the family reunion, but he’s such a genuinely nice guy that you kinda have to go over and say hello and see what he’s up to, or you’ll feel bad.

 

 

11.  Couples Retreat


Did you know that this movie features an “action sequence” involving a Guitar Hero competition between two adult men?  I did.  Because I’ve seen it several times.  This one is one of the weirdest ones on the list, because every time I turn to it I freaking hate every second of it.  It saps the joy out of me.  Maybe I just like punishing myself?

 

 

10.  Any of the Final Destination Movies


I don’t even know which one I’m watching half the time, but I usually sit around and wait for teenagers to get maimed whenever one of these piles of crap is on.

 

 

9.  Big Daddy / Mr. Deeds


I grouped these together because they are basically the same movie to me.  Sandler essentially plays the same character.  Neither of these are close to being one of his worst movies, nor are they close to being his best.  They just kind of exist.  I think they are just above Little Nicky, and just below The Waterboy on Sandler’s timeline in the “Mediocre-Yet-Not-Quite-Terrible” era of his career.

 

 

8.  Drumline


I love it, Nick Cannon is the stereotypical hotshot who comes to this school and immediately feels like he deserves TOP DRUMLINE STATUS.  There’s the token white kid in the all black movie.  There’s the oddly comical feeling that marching band is more important at this college than actually getting an education.  There’s the evil other school with the flamboyant, James Brown-esk marching band director with the sparkly suit.  There’s – wait WHAT?!  The evil school has Petey Pablo singing along with their band?!  That’s not against the rules??  THE HECK?!?!

 

 

7.  Son-in-Law


I have never been flipping through my Comcast menu, seen this was on Country Music Television, and NOT turned to it…  Pauly Shore is like a shrill, screeching negative ion magnet, and I am the positive counterpart.  If Bio-Dome and Encino Man got played more on TV, I’m sure they would have made this list as well.

 

 

6.  (insert movie about competitive dancing)

You Got Served.  Stomp the Yard.  Step Up.  Step Up 3D.  All moronically stupid.  All feature dialogue like “I’m gonna be somebody” moments before dancing in an abandoned warehouse that’s spewing gatorade from the sprinkler system.  They are so stupid that they mesmerize me.  By the way, you know what would be a better solution to all these gang dance competitions…?  Gunfights.  Like the good old days.

 

 

5.  Deep Blue Sea


I’ve seen this movie like 7 times on TV, and I still don’t get why they needed to make super intelligent great white sharks…?  Why didn’t they use a less dangerous shark, like a nurse shark, or at least a smaller shark?  And if I may paraphrase Homer Simpson, “If they’re so smart, then how come they’re DEAD?”

 

 

4.  Biker Boyz


Does it disturb you that I’ve seen Biker Boyz from start to finish three times?  It certainly disturbs me.

 

 

3.  Anaconda


Ice Cube vs. Jon Voight vs. a big snake.  Seen this about 15 times.

 

 

2.  The Fast & the Furious: Tokyo Drift


The pinnacle of fast entertainment and furious filmmaking.

 

 

1.  Legally Blonde

For some reason I can watch this movie two dozen times and never get sick of it.  I don’t know what to say.  But when I first thought about making this list, my immediate knee-jerk reaction was LEGALLY BLONDE.  I think it’s one of the only movies that my mom and I can talk about together.
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20 thoughts on “15 Terrible Movies I’m Ashamed to Admit I Always Watch When They’re on TV

      • Captain Quint says:

        Well, I’ll find your shark for 3…but I’ll catch him and kill him for 10. But you’ve gotta make up your mind. If you want to stay alive, then ante up. If you want to play it cheap, be on welfare the whole winter. I don’t want no volunteers, I don’t want no mates, there’s just too many captains in this internet. $10,000 for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing.

  1. Eli Burnside says:

    I have to disagree with this list. Yes some of these movies are terrible but they are still very much enjoyable. I also believe some of them aren’t terrible at all. I really like Barbershop, and the first two Final Destination films.

    P.S. Do you have something against movies staring black people?

      • scottodactyl says:

        No, Do the Right Thing is one of my favorite movies (yes, I just did the “I like one thing like you said, so there!” argument). I just don’t like *stupid* movies starring black people. Much like I don’t like stupid movies starring Italian people (remember Corky Romano?).

        Well, yeah, these movies are terrible AND enjoyable. That’s kind of the point, I guess. 🙂

      • Captain Quint says:

        Couldn’t you only disagree with this list if it was titled “15 Movies Eli Burnside is Ashamed to Admit He Always Watches When They’re on TV”?

        You’ve got city hands, Mr. Burnside….you’ve been counting money yer whole life.

    • dinosaurboner says:

      Seriously. A movie can be terrible and enjoyable but not be both. You saying that you like The Barbershop, thus making it good, is like me saying, “I like listening to Ke$ha. She makes good music.” We both know that isn’t true but god damn it she makes a catchy song now and again and we hate ourselves for listening to it. Still terrible music though.

  2. mike says:

    Not to nitpick, but the sharks in deep blue sea were makos. And the fact that I know that is proof that I am guilty of indulging in that movie more than a few times myself.

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