Lazy Movie Review: Bully

Premise:  A documentary about bullying in American schools.  It follows an outcasted boy who’s kind of odd looking, a lesbian teenager who got shunned by her Bible Belt town, a girl who snapped and brought a gun on a school bus, and a couple of families who’ve had children kill themselves as a result of bullying.  Thankfully, the filmmakers held back showing the gruesome footage of a swirly in action.

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Lazy Movie Review: God Bless America

Premise:  A middle aged man (Joel Murray, brother of Bill) is becoming increasingly sick, both mentally and physically, over how inconsiderate, dimwitted, and mean America has become.  Eventually, he gets fed up with it all, and instead of taking his own life, he decides to become a serial killer that takes the lives of the stupid, inconsiderate people he hates.  Along the way he teams up with a high school girl, who joins him for the mayhem.  Directed by Bobcat Goldthwait!

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Movie Review: The Cabin in the Woods

Whoa, she looks like Ellie Kemper in this picture... But that's not the twist!

I suppose it’s best not to ruin anything about the surprise of Cabin in the Woods, as that’s the whole fun of it.  So I won’t even hint at what any of the specifics are.  So in a very generic manner, I will say that this film starts off pretty mediocre, but eventually rockets its way to an insane and awesome third act.

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An Adieu to Drunkenness: The Conclusion of My Sloshed Escapades

When I was 17, I had my very first beer. I had my very first beer I purchased, with a fake id. My name was Brian McGee. I stayed up listening to Queen. When I was 17.

Actually, I never drank in high school. I think it’s safe to say now that the only reason I was able to get super wasted for the first time was because my dad gave me a bunch of his old liquor that he didn’t want anymore. My first year of college, my friends and I got all wasted off of peach schnapps, Beefeater, and some sort of really shitty scotch whiskey. I don’t have to tell you, it was a bloodbath. I’m not sure if that particular night is documented, but I know for sure that the second time I ever got drunk, we recorded a bunch of it. It was pretty sloppy. Continue reading

You Need to Watch These Simpsons Episodes

So I’ve been in a serious relationship with a lovely young lady for just over 6 months now.  I’m just as surprised as you that she hasn’t throttled me in my sleep yet.  We seem to make each other very happy, but there is a fatal flaw in her character.  It’s a red flag I should have noticed on date one.  She never watched The Simpsons when she was a kid.  Maybe it’s because she’s several years younger than me (I’m 27, she’s 21, in case you thought I was getting some jail bait), or maybe she was too busy “reading books” and “learning” to watch cartoons, or maybe she just plain missed out; for whatever reason The Simpsons was not a mandatory part of her upbringing.

Now this presents a problem.  A selfish problem.  I’m a (classic) Simpsons nerd.  I throw out relevant Simpsons quotes all the time.  She doesn’t laugh at any of them.  Do you know how much it destroys my fragile self-esteem to make a well-placed, awesome Simpsons reference, and then get no recognition for it…?  It kills me inside!  She needs to start watching The Simpsons simply to comprehend the lingo she will have to endure throughout our relationship.  Oh yeah, and because it’s the best show in the history of television.

Now, asking her to watch seasons 2 through 11 would be a daunting task.  Frankly, a task she wouldn’t do.  So what I’ve done here, is create a list of 25 episodes of the Simpsons that I want her to watch FIRST.  It will give her a core knowledge of the show.  It’s not all the best episodes, because obviously there are WAY more than 25 great Simpsons episodes, but it’s a good set of awesome, quotable episodes that a newcomer to the show could appreciate.

I tried to make it almost like a fake season.  I’ve attempted to get her some character specific episodes early on, only one Treehouse of Horror, only one flashback, only a small handful of travel episodes, NO clip shows or non-Halloween three-story eps.  Sadly, I just can’t include everything in just 25 episodes.  So there’s not really any Troy McClure, Grandpa Simpson, Patty & Selma, Principal Skinner, etc heavy episodes.  I’d like them to be watched in this order (together of course, can you say RELATIONSHIP ACTIVITY?!), and I hope they flow nicely in this order.  Regardless of whether she likes them or not in the end, this seems like a great opportunity to publicly shame her into watching whatever TV show I feel like watching.  (laughs into tape recorder)

(laughs into tape recorder again)

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