Premise: The classic story of Snow White gets the “What if…?” treatment. As in, a group of studio executives somewhere in Hollywood probably had this meeting a few years ago:
“Gentlemen, we need something for our 2012 release schedule. Stevens, what have you got?”
“What if we took Cinderella, but turned it into a steam punk alien story?”
“Nah. Those guys at Disney are making that John Carter picture. It’s gonna be huge, I don’t want to compete with that. What else you got?”
“Hmmm… What if Goldilocks & the Three Bears were in turn-of-the-century England, and Goldilocks was a vampire?
“And so are the bears.”
“CGI vampire bears.”
“CGI vampire bears voiced by Michael Clark Duncan?”
“… Nah, I’ve got seven vampire pictures in the works already. Unless you have a brilliant idea like a former U.S. President fighting vampires, I’m gonna have to pass… What else you got?”
“OK, OK. What if… Snow White was set in a dark gothic fantasy land…? Special effects in literally every scene. I know the guy who produced Alice in Wonderland.”
“I don’t kn-”
“SNOW WHITE IN A FULL SUIT OF BODY ARMOR FIGHTING AN EVIL QUEEN MADE OF CROWS!”
“…Yes… YES…! I SEE IT NOW! HARVEST OUR DREAMY YOUNG TALENT CROPS!”
[everyone feasts upon a unicorn]
-It has scenes here and there that are exciting. They usually aren’t in a row, but they exist.
-Nice crop of actors playing the dwarfs, including but not limited to Bob Hoskins, Ray Winstone, and Nick Frost.
-Charlize Theron seems like she’s having a lot of fun playing the evil queen. The over-acting is intentional, I assume, and it actually worked for me. And we got to see her bust out her old Aileen Wuornos make-up in a few scenes.
-The special effects were pretty cool for the most part. They were there quite a bit. I imagine the exploding black fragment fighters were render nightmares. In fact if there’s one thing I would flat out praise the film for, it’s the visuals. And that includes a lot of the art direction and costumes.
-A lot of the visuals are nonsensical. Like, why did the deer god of the dark forest explode into birds? And isn’t that deer god from Princess Mononoke? I don’t even watch or like anime, but I’m pretty sure that deer god was from Princess Mononoke. And what’s with the little Gollum fairies?
-I might have been spacing out a tad (which, actually, I can blame on the movie), but I have barely any recollection of what happened in the middle of the movie. I was super bored during the second act. The whole time spent in the dark forest is kind of a blur to me. I don’t know if they were adventuring through the forest with the dwarfs, or just waiting around to form an army or something, but I feel like nothing of value happened at all during the entire middle chunk of the film. From the time she entered the dark forest to when she got poisoned by the apple (which surprised the 13 year old girls in the row in front of us), I think it could have been cut down drastically. Which should have happened anyway because the movie was like 30 minutes too long.
-Worst effectiveness of a trebuchet in cinema history.
-Like almost all remakes, rehashes, readaptations, and (total) recalls; it took itself too seriously for its own good.
-Kristen Stewart in a suit of armor still makes me laugh, even today. Also, when she was about to fight the queen, why did she throw her shield away?
-How many times are we going to have to see two hunky dudes trying to win over K-Stew? Even in the best film she’s ever been in, Adventureland, she had Ryan Reynolds and Jesse Eisenberg trying to win her over. I guess gloomy, emotionless faces are in right now.
Final Thoughts: Seemed like a cash grab. But to compliment Snow White and the Huntsman: it’s not the worst cash grab I’ve ever seen.
6 out of 10