Lazy Movie Review: The Bay

Premise: It’s July 4, 2009 in a small fishing town in Maryland.  Everyone is having fun at the festivities, until people start getting rashes and boils, mass panic breaks out, bugs start eating people’s flesh from the inside of their bodies, yadda yadda yadda.  We’ve ALL been to a terrible 4th of July party at some point in our lives, WE GET IT…  (rolls eyes)

 

Pros:

-It’s certainly entertaining, and it definitely benefits from being short.  It does just enough to not lose my attention, and doesn’t outstay its welcome with (too many) additional side stories.

-I often complain about found footage films because they don’t often have a reason to be a found footage film *cough* End of Watch *cough**cough*.  But The Bay actually had a justifiable premise, and took the time to explain why it was justifiable.  Also, it stayed consistently found footage, and random cameras weren’t added to unrealistic locations in order to get the shot.  At least, not so often it was distracting.

-It’s a cool premise, and I suppose if I was going to see a “virus” outbreak unfold in a story like it did in The Bay, I’m happy it involved giant sea bugs.

-The story comes from several sources with several different styles of filming, and they are edited together in a way that keeps each story engaging and happy to return to.

-Horror movie rule #6:  Showing less can often result in more scares.  This movie gets it.  It gives you a couple vivid examples of the horror, then lets the rest take place off camera and in your mind.  It shows just enough to where it never becomes silly, but I also didn’t feel ripped off.

-The way these people die in the movie made my skin crawl.  PUN INTENDED.

 

Cons:

-Why exactly does it take place in 2009?  I guess they really captured the essence that was 3 years ago…  CAN YOU SAY PERIOD PIECE?!

-It’s an environmental horror film, and you can tell they are trying to push some political/environmental agenda on you about dumping chemicals into our water supply.  I’d prefer politics to stay out of my flesh-eating isopod films, thank you very much.  I’m sure next year we will have a film where eating chemically enhanced chicken from a fast food restaurant turns a town into mutant bird people.  Just so you know, I’m available to write the screenplay for that film, Lionsgate!  I’ll call it Birds of a Feather.  It will be the classiest movie of 2013 that features people get pecked to death by their neighbors.  Call me!

-The “main character” or narrator or whoever the report girl was a fucking awful actress.  How did she possibly get cast in this movie?  She couldn’t even talk correctly.  I’m going to be eating my words if she’s a stroke victim who won a contest to be in a movie or something, but she was terrible in this movie.  The little girl who did the webcam story was a better actress than her.  And she sucked too.

-Why did that one kid jump in the water with his camera?  Water damage, bro.

 

Final Thoughts:  Barry Levinson directed this?  Does anyone have a more random career than that guy…?  Anyway, this movie is sort of dumb, but very watchable.  I’d recommend it to horror fans.  And isopod enthusiasts…  Your movie has finally arrived!

7  isopods out of 10

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