The 81 Films I Saw From 2012

Looperheader

I want to say that 2012 was a much better year for film than 2011.  When I look at my fancy statistics I notice that 2011 had 3 films I gave an “A” rating to (Drive, The Muppets, and 50/50), and this year I gave 6 films an “A”.  2011 also had 21 “B” grade films while 2012 had 24 “B” grades.  So on that front, yeah, 2012 was a little better.  At the same time, 2011 had only 26 “D” or “F” grade films, and 2012 had 34.  So maybe I’d rather weigh the best statistics against the best, over the worst against the worst.  I don’t know.  Numbers make my head hurt.

Anyway here are the 81 films from 2012 that I viewed (5 more than 2011).  If any of the grades don’t match the score of the original review, it’s probably because I’ve rewatched it and changed my view on it.  Or because shut the hell up.  How about that?  Happy new year!

81.  That’s My Boy

This is the kind of movie that lazily assumes you’ll laugh simply at the sight of Vanilla Ice.

Grade: F-

Original Review: Here

80 thats my boy

 

80.  The Inkeepers

It didn’t know whether it wanted to be a terrible ghost movie or a Disney Channel comedy.  Sadly, it probably leaned more towards the latter.

Grade: F-

Original Review: Here

79 the inkeepers

 

79.  The Deep Blue Sea

It’s basically The Tea Cozy.

Grade: F-

Original Review: Here

78 the deep blue sea

 

78.  Apartment 143

Terrible Paranormal Activity knock off.

Grade: F-

Original Review: Here

77 apartment 143

 

77.  Paranormal Activity 4

Terrible Paranormal Activity non-knock-off.

Grade: F

Original Review: Here

76 paranormal activity 4

 

76.  The Dictator

An abysmal waste of Sasha Baron Cohen’s talents.

Grade: F

Original Review: Here

The Dictator

 

75.  Chernobyl Diaries

A boring tale of six characters I didn’t care about die in several unimpressive ways.

Grade: F

Original Review: Here

CHERNOBYL DIARIES

 

74.  Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie

This was my first real exposure to Tim and Eric, and I watched it pretty drunk.  I laughed a bunch of times, probably because I was drunk, but looking back I realize that it was fairly retarded.  Equivalent to the many meaningless nights I’ve gotten drunk and just watched YouTube videos.  Fun but pointless.

Grade: F

Original Review: Here

73 tim and eric

 

73.  The Watch

Vince Vaughn sucks.

Grade: F

Original Review: Here

72 the watch

 

72.  Silent House

Boring first act, boring second act, cliche third act.

Grade: F

Original Review: Here

71 silent house

 

71.  The Tall Man

A diarrhea of random ideas.

Grade: F

Original Review: Here

70 the tall man

 

70.  Take This Waltz

She’s afraid of being afraid!  That’s the plot of the movie!

Grade: F+

Original Review: Here

69 take this waltz

 

69.  Flight

What could have been an interesting concept of a hero accused of something he didn’t do turned out to just be about an awful person getting what he deserved.

Grade: F+

Original Review: Here

FLIGHT

 

68.  End of Watch

I didn’t understand what the big deal was with this movie.  I thought it was a needless exercise in found footage excess.  I just didn’t connect with it at all.  And it has a lot of bloat that should have been cut out for such a simple concept.

Grade: F+

Original Review: Here

67 end of watch

 

67.  Premium Rush

Made me hate bike riders all over again.  The main characters are all dicks.  And it has the Jamie Chung Factor (any movie with Jamie Chung will inevitably be bad).

Grade: F+

Original Review: Here

Joseph Gordon Levitt

 

66.  John Carter

Just a big old mess.  For everything one it had going for it, it had ten other things that were embarrassingly regrettable.

Grade: F+

Original Review: Here

65 john carter

 

65.  The Lorax

More like the SNORElax, AM I RIGHT?

Grade: F+

Original Review: Here

64 the lorax

 

64.  The Collection

For torture porn garbage, it’s actually one of the better examples.  But it’s still torture porn garbage.

Grade: D-

Original Review: Here

62 the collection

 

63.  Lockout

A mildly entertaining romp through a space prison.  But ya know, Guy Pearce sucks.

Grade: D-

Original Review: Here

61 lockout

 

62.  The Ambassador

Almost a great movie, but it just ruined itself with an unfocused execution.  I really wished they handled this better, it’s such a great concept.

Grade: D-

Original Review: Here

52 the ambassador

 

61.  Jeff, Who Lives at Home

If this is the pinnacle of what can be achieved through mumblecore indie comedies, then maybe the genre should just die out.

Grade: D-

Original Review: Here

JEFF, WHO LIVES AT HOME

 

60.  Anna Karenina

A dreary character study of an awful character.

Grade: D-

Original Review: Here

59 anna karenina

 

59.  Get the Gringo

I’m not exactly sure why this movie was made, but I’m kind of happy it was.  At the same time, it wasn’t anything special.  I completely support everything about the picture below, though.

Grade: D

Original Review: Here

63 get the gringo

 

58.  Hitchcock

Mediocre bio story centered around an actor doing a really good impression of someone.  This year’s The Last King of Scotland.

Grade: D

Original Review: Here

58 hitchcock

 

57.  Snow White and the Huntsman

Rework the second act and this could have gone up a full letter grade.  It was dumb, enjoyable entertainment when it was at its best.  But seriously, that second act was boring.

Grade: D

Original Review: Here

SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN

 

56.  Men in Black III

Didn’t need to be made, but it’s worth watching once.  If not only to see how old Will Smith looks now.

Grade: D

Original Review: Here

56 men in black 3

 

55.  Lincoln

Overly long, heavily bloated historical drama.  I really liked parts of it (mainly the senate scenes), but there were some scenes that were painful to get through.  It tried to cover too much.  Then it didn’t even bother to show his assassination.  A long, slow build throughout, and then a rushed ending…?  It’s a very detailed and well made, and D-Day has another great performance, but I don’t know, I just wasn’t feeling this one.  From what I gathered from people I’ve talked to about it, they all seem to say the same thing, “Well, I liked reading about Lincoln before I saw the movie”.  Ok, well, I’m someone who is not all that interested in reading about Lincoln, and I found it to be kind of boring.

Grade: D

Original Review: Here

55 lincoln

 

54.  The Man With the Iron Fists

Cool, but poorly made.  Also, Jamie Chung Factor.

Grade: D+

Original Review: Here

54 the man with the iron fists

 

53.  Mansome

Beards and mustaches are the best segments, and the novelty wears off greatly after they get past them.

Grade: D+

Original Review: Here

53 mansome

 

52.  Seeking a Friend for the End of the World

Mopey Steve Carell and obnoxiously quirky Keira Knightly…  At least it had Martin Sheen and Patton Oswald.

Grade: D+

Original Review: Here

AppleMark

 

51.  Haywire

This was one of the first movies released in 2012, and I haven’t seen it since January, so I don’t even remember that much about it.  But I remember that it has a chick in a dress fighting Michael Fassbender in a hotel room, for what’s that worth.

Grade: D+

Original Review: Here

50 haywire

 

50.  Casa de mi Padre

There were times when I thought it wasn’t even trying to be funny.  This one might be less an attempt at comedy than it is a bizarre experiment in boundaries by Will Ferrell.

Grade: D+

Original Review: Here

49 casa de mi padre

 

49.  Brave

Throwing it out there, this is probably the worst Pixar movie ever made.  And yes, I saw Cars 2.  At least that movie knew what it was and delivered on the action.  Brave was just…  bleh.  But if a D+ is the worst a studio has done in 20 years, they aren’t doing too bad.

Grade: D+

Original Review: Here

Brave - Pixar film

 

48.  The Campaign

I have a good tolerance for both Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis, so I was able to extract some laughs out of this one.  It’s probably the best bad comedy I’ve seen in a few years.  Watch it for the campaign ads if nothing else.

Grade: D+

Original Review: Here

DOGD5217123.dng

 

47.  Seven Psychopaths

One of those movies that wishes it was way better than it actually was.

Grade:  C-

Original Review: Here

46 seven psychopaths

 

46.  V/H/S

Two really great segments, one alright one, and a couple truly bad ones made for a very uneven experience.  But upon rethinking my stance on it, the good segments were good enough to make me remember them vividly, so I’d still recommend checking this out if I were you (if you’re a horror fan).

Grade: C-

Original Review: Here

45 vhs

 

45.  The Guilt Trip

Enjoyable, harmless comedy about an overly nice mother who smothers her son.  I.E. my teenage years.

Grade: C-

Original Review: Here

THE GUILT TRIP

 

44.  The Bay

The best isopod movie of all time.

Grade: C-

Original Review: Here

43 the bay

 

43.  Lawless

As I predicted, I forgot that I saw this until I made this list.

Grade: C

Original Review: Here

42 lawless

 

42.  Prometheus

I found it pretty enjoyable, but it collapsed upon its own logic when the slightest amount of thought was put against it.

Grade: C

Original Review: Here

41 prometheus

 

41.  The Grey

We should have gotten more out of a great premise like “Liam Neeson punches wolves in the face with broken liquor bottles.”  But it was entertaining nonetheless.

Grade: C

Original Review: Here

40 the grey

 

40.  Wanderlust

Another one I completely forgot existed until I made this list.  I don’t think I could recite a single joke from this movie.  But I remember liking it when I did see it.

Grade: C

Original Review: Here

39 wanderlust

 

39.  Magic Mike

Could have been a complete disaster, but ended up just being Boogie Nights lite.

Grade: C

Original Review: Here

38 magic mike

 

38.  ParaNorman

Really good animation, not so engaging story, and one of the best scenes of a fat kid threatening to throw humus in a homeless man’s face in the history of cinema.  Dare I say THE best?

Grade: C+

Original Review: Here

37 paranorman

 

37.  Bully

One of those movies that just make you really mad at how bad the system is, but it doesn’t really offer any solutions.  KNOCK OFF THAT TERRIBLE RACK FOCUS STUFF, THOUGH.

Grade: C+

Original Review: Here

36 bully

 

36.  The Amazing Spider-Man

I didn’t hate it as much as many others, but The Lizard was a terrible villain and I don’t see how this was the “untold story” of Spider-Man in any way.  But the things it did right were done very well.

Grade: C+

Original Review: Here

The Amazing Spider-Man

 

35.  The Woman in Black

Better than most recent ghost stories, shot in a “classic” ghost story kind of way.  If anything, this is a welcome addition to the genre in a year filled with found footage and torture porn horror BS.

Grade: C+

Original Review: Here

34 the woman in black

 

34.  This is 40

I’m a fan of most things Judd Apatow does (if you remember, I even called Funny People a criminally underrated film), but this was definitely the worst of Judd’s directorial efforts.  The problem wasn’t so much with the jokes, but with the fact that it doesn’t have a beginning or an end.  And doesn’t have any promise of a clear plot.  It’s just a slice of life kind of story, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing to do, but then it gets bloated with side characters and it feels like  mess.  BUT it still served its main promised purpose of being depressingly hilarious.

Grade: C+

(forgot to write real review…)

33 this is 40

 

33.  The Five Year Engagement

Above average romantic comedy with a great cast.  It’s kind of predictable, but ultimately enjoyable.  When it comes to romantic comedies I can assume that they will be predictable so it doesn’t bother me too much.  At least it was funny.

Grade: C+

Original Review: Here

32 five year engagement

 

32.  The Master

This is one film that I really wanted to like before I saw it.  Then I did see it, and it just didn’t work out completely.  Probably the best film of the year in terms of cinematography and acting.  But it just fell short on the story.  Scenes are great and vivid, but most of them end up not going anywhere, creating a film of fragmented ideas.  I’m sure that was entirely intentional, but I wasn’t feeling it on the first (and only) time I saw it, but I plan on watching it again on Blu-ray in hopes to like it more.

Grade: C+

Original Review: Here

31 the master

 

31.  Les Miserables

MASTER OF THE HOUSE, KEEPER OF THE INN.  That’s been stuck in my head for the last 2 hours.

Grade: C+

Original Review: Here

miserable00

 

30.  Life of Pi

It’s fatal flaw was the lack of tiger poop.

Grade: B-

Original Review: Here

30 life of pi

 

29.  The Expendables 2

It will roundhouse kick its way into your heart.

Grade: B-

Original Review: Here

The Expendables 2

 

28.  Chronicle

Would have been even better without the found footage angle, but still a pretty good little movie.

Grade: B-

Original Review: Here

28 chroinicle

 

27.  We Need to Talk About Kevin

I’m never buying my kid any kind of weapon with which he could use to get revenge on me for being a bad father.

Grade: B-

Original Review: Here

27 we need to talk about kevin

 

26.  God Bless America

It’s not subtle, but damn, it makes some good points.

Grade: B-

Original Review: Here

26 god bless america

 

25.  Killing Them Softly

DIE SOFT.

Grade: B-

Original Review: Here

25 killing them softly

 

24.  Project X

My pick for Guilty Pleasure Film of the year.

Grade: B-

Original Review: Here

24 project x

 

23.  Skyfall

It’s no Casino Royale, but it’s also no Quantum of Solace.

Grade: B-

Original Review: Here

23 skyfall

 

22.  Game Change

Beautiful portrait of a moron and the bald guy who has to babysit her.

Grade: B

Original Review: Here

22 game change

 

21.  Ted

I want Patrick Stewart to narrate my life.

Grade: B

Original Review: Here

21 ted

 

20.  The Hunger Games

I liked it more the first time I saw it, but it wasn’t as good on the repeat viewing.  Still, I condone children murdering children for our entertainment.

Grade: B

Original Review: Here

20 the hunger games

 

19.  The American Scream

Great documentary on the mindset of the weirdos who cake their lawn in Halloween nonsense.

Grade: B

Original Review: Here

19 the american scream

 

18.  Sinister

OK, the ending kind of sucked, but everything leading up to it was legitimately creepy.  I still think about this movie every now and then, that’s good enough to warrant this a worthy movie in my book.

Grade: B

Original Review: Here

18 sinister

 

17.  Bernie

A non-spazzy, actual acting performance from Jack Black.  I’m pretty sure he never once took off his shirt and played his belly like a drum.  We all grow up at some point.  Also, this is a really good movie that I’ve been meaning to rewatch soon (I bought it weeks ago and never even opened it).

Grade: B

Original Review: Here

17 bernie

 

16.  The Cabin in the Woods

The last 15 minutes are incredible, and the movie before that is a pretty great deconstruction of the horror genre.  You’ll never look at mermen the same.

Grade: B

Original Review: Here

16 cabin in the woods

 

15.  Dredd 3D

I really liked it when I first saw it, and now every time I’ve thought about it since I’ve liked it more and more.  I can’t wait until this comes out on Blu-ray in a couple of weeks because I badly want to watch it again.

Grade: B+

Original Review: Here

15 dredd 3d

 

14.  The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

A (hopefully) good set up for better things to come.  Though, this was a perfectly fine film in itself.  I’m pretty shocked this has a Rotten Tomatoes score in the 60’s%.

Grade: B+

Original Review: Here

14 the hobbit

 

13.  21 Jump Street

Probably the best pure comedy of the year.  Skinny Jonah started off his career right.

Grade: B+

Original Review: Here

13 21 jump street

 

12.  The House I Live In

Must see documentary about the drug war.  Learned the valuable information that crack gets an 18:1 punishment rate over cocaine.  Cocaine is a ratio lover’s drug.

Grade: B+

Original Review: Here

12 the house i live in

 

11.  Cloud Atlas

A highly ambitious project that dared to ask us what Halle Berry would look like as an old Asian man.

Grade: B+

Original Review: Here

11 cloud atlas

 

10.  The Dark Knight Rises

I’m still doing my terrible Bane impression, so I know this has lasting power.

Grade: B+

Original Review: Here

10 dark knight rises

 

9.  Moonrise Kingdom

A fine achievement in the portrayal of wiener kids doing great things.

Grade: B+

Original Review: Here

09 moonrise kingdom

 

8.  Wreck-It Ralph

The only good animated film of the year?

Grade: B+

Original Review: Here

08 wreck it ralph

 

7.  Beasts of the Southern Wild

One of those rare movies that makes me FEEL THINGS.  Now I know how JFK feels.

Grade: B+

Original Review: Here

BOTSW_Day1 (165 of 300).CR2

 

6.  Looper

DON’T OVERTHINK IT.

Grade: A-

Original Review: Here

06 looper

 

5.  The Raid: Redemption

A movie to watch adoringly if you like watching a guy run through a building and destroy the crap out of like 100 dudes.

Grade: A-

Original Review: Here

05 the raid redemption

 

4.  The Avengers

Once you get past the first scene it’s probably the most fun movie of the year.

Grade: A-

(Joe’s) Original Review: Here

04 avengers

 

3.  Silver Linings Playbook

I was going to make another joke about how crappy DeSean Jackson is and how much I loved the DeSean Jackson metaphor used in this movie for failure, because he was on my fantasy team and he was a waste of roster space…  but I just won my fantasy football championship for the first time ever last night, so I’ll give him a break.  Also, WOOOO HOOOOOOOO FANTASY FOOTBALLL CHAMP.  WOOOOOOOO.

Grade: A-

Original Review: Here

03 silver linings playbook

 

2.  Argo

“This movie is ArGOLD!”  –  What I would have said in my original review, if I had any common sense.

Grade: A

Original Review: Here

ARGO

 

1.  Django Unchained

At this point I would normally say “auf wiedersehen”, but that translates to “until we meet again”, and since I don’t plan on ever seeing you again, I instead say to you a simple GOODBYE.

Grade: A+

Original Review: Here

DJANGO UNCHAINED

5 thoughts on “The 81 Films I Saw From 2012

  1. BobChuck says:

    76. OMG I KNEW THAT WAS GONNA BE THE CHEESE/PAPERS/RICE CONVERSATION. GOLD.

    30. I recall in the book he cleaned up poop.

    28. Yea I went to watch chronicle on a plane, but the moment it started found footage I turned it off.

    7. FEELINGS.

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