My Cough Drops Are Trying to Pressure Me Into Unwanted Sex

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So I got sick this week…  I think I can narrow the source down to last weekend, when I arm wrestled a girl who had recently brought home a stomach flu virus from India (I WON IN ARM WRESTLING, BY THE WAY, AND I LET HER USE BOTH HER ARMS.  USA!  USA!  USA!).  Regardless, I’ve been medicating myself all week.  Upon purchasing some Halls cough drops, though, I was a little surprised when I opened the bag and the cough drops started to send me subtle messages, that came across to me as rather “rapey”.  Like the creepy devil sitting on my shoulder, the medicine started whispering awful things into my diseased ears.

It starting off with the phrase “Flex your ‘can do’ muscle”, which I immediately interpreted as my dick.  What other muscle would that apply to?  They totally mean my dick.  This couch drop is telling me to get rock hard.  But why?

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The next one I took out of the bag told me “Don”t wait to get started”  Don’t wait for other people, Scott…  Just use your Can Do Muscle RIGHT NOW.  OTHER PEOPLE DON’T MATTER.

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Strap in there, buckle down, just RAM IT IN!  Don’t just put in the tip, GET AGGRESSIVE!

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DUDE, how have you not done anything yet?!  WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!  HOLY SHIT, BRAH.  GO GET IT!

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Do you know how much time you’re wasting eating these cough drops?  Honestly, don’t wait a precious minute.  And these minutes are precious.  These are precious minutes that you could be BUCKLING DOWN YOUR CAN DO MUSCLE…

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You could be a legend right now.  You could be dominating.  WHAT ARE YOU DOING?  Your Can Do Muscle could be epic.  Just think about it .  You could be UNSTOPPABLE.  Who’s going to stop you?  BUCKLE DOWN, DON’T WASTE PRECIOUS MINUTES.

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Are you still not doing anything?  OK, I give up, bro.  This is your loss.  You had your chance to be a god, and you blew it.  Screw your stupid morals.  You’re wasting your whole day.  And why?  Seize the day, pal.  Seize the day.  Don’t waste a precious minute, don’t wait to get started.  Your Can Do Muscle is getting unFLEXED.  You could have been unstoppable.  YOU SUCK.  I HOPE YOU STAY SICK FOREVER.  CARPE DIEM, PUSS.

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