I’ve always been a big fan of Doctor Dreadful food kits. I didn’t even think they were still around. Then lo and behold, I was in a Michael’s with my girlfriend today and a colorful box caught the corner of my eye. The crazy doctor that taught me sugar + water = flavor when I was a kid is still going at it. When I was a kid and I was all like “Dad, buy me that Doctor Dreadful Stomach Churner kit! BUY IT FORRRR ME I NEEEEEEEED IT. DAAAAAAAAAAAD” and then he wouldn’t buy it for me because he already bought me the Bug Lab earlier that year; and it would make me sad. BUT now I’m an adult and I have my own money, so SUCK IT DAD, I CAN BUY THIS STUPID ZOMBIE LAB IF I WANT TO. I CAN BUY FOUR OF THEM IF I FEEL LIKE IT. I’M A GROWN UP.
So anyway it crossed my mind to purchase one of these fun time food makers and see if they can stand the test of time while making them as an adult. I’m also going to get drunk while I work in my laboratory, which is basically like a guarantee that I will puke violently by the end of the night. But don’t worry, as you can see by this picture of my childhood bedroom wall, I already earned two diplomas in Dreadful Science, so I’m authorized to experiment how I please.
First I have to assemble this glorious piece of modern science. OH CRAP, this thing is awesome.
ZOMBIE BUG EXPERIMENT
So the first experiment is to create some zombie bugs. Lots of chemistry involved. This was a little scary, because the instructions say to act fast before the mixture sets. The PRESSURE.
OOPS, for some reason I thought the syringe was a professional level piece of equipment, and when I poured in the bug mix, it all just came out of the other end. Didn’t realize I needed to put my thumb on the other side. FIRST MESS OF THE NIGHT. FINISH YOUR DRINKS.
Wait, so I inject the mix into the bug molds on his face, then I take them OFF his face and put them in the refrigerator for 10 minutes…? BUT I WANT THEM NOWWWWW! Also, had I known I would just be taking them off his face, I wouldn’t have put them on his face to begin with, it would have been easier to fill them off of his face. I’m starting to question the scientific methods of Doctor Dreadful. What school did he go to again?
10 minutes of pouting and throwing things later
FINALLY. OK going to eat them now…
BLEEHHH. Gross. Ew. I actually almost gagged while eating them. The flavor was pretty terrible, a hint of that kind of cough medicine-like cherry flavor. But even worse was the texture/consistency. It felt like I was eating the world’s runniest fruit snacks. And they were so meager. Eeech, I still have a nasty aftertaste in my mouth 5 minutes later. No matter how many drinks I take, it doesn’t go away. Awful tasting, and barely even enough food to validate waiting 10 minutes for.
BUGS: 2 out of 10
ZOMBIE SKIN EXPERIMENT
Now I’ll be making zombie skin. Basically I just mix a few scoops of the white powder from the “skin” packet and dump it on a plate. WHAT? I have to wait 10 more minutes…? AAAAAAAAAAAAAARG I’M SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW.
10 minutes of rolling around on the floor whining later
I don’t see how this is zombie “skin” it’s like a smooth gelatin wad. Was I supposed to pour them into smaller portions, so I have a bunch of scabs? I think I was supposed to do that. Now I just have a big lump of solidified sugar water. Let me try and eat it now.
OH MY GOD I ALMOST THREW UP. I COULDN’T EVEN SWALLOW IT. Oh my god, I might dry heave. I think it’s just a stronger variation of the bug mix. My tongue tastes like metal or plastic or something. Is this poison? I couldn’t bring myself to swallow it. I ATE THIS AS A KID? Was I retarded? That was freaking terrible. The aftertaste on these things are revolting. It was in my mouth for about 3 seconds before I spit it out, and I still tastes it as if it’s festering on my tongue. (DRY HEAVE) IT WASN’T EVEN FUN TO MAKE, I JUST POURED GOUP ON A PLATE AND PUT IN THE THE REFRIGERATOR FOR 10 MINUTES.
SKIN: 0 out of 10
ZOMBIE PUKE EXPERIMENT
I’m going to be honest, I’m not looking forward tho this one, you guys. Basically I mix some of the blue mix with some water and pour it into the brain.
Then I mix some of the orange mix and put it under the head. Then I shake the brain for 5 seconds and push down on the brain and it pukes blue crap all over the orange crap, which is actually pretty awesome.
FUN FACT: There was a combination of me being drunk, and me trying to take an action shot, but the blue goup mostly fell on my table instead of the cup. OOPS. SECOND MESS OF THE NIGHT. FINISH YOUR DRINKS.
Ew, it like curdles on the top and there are chunks in the drink…
Let me try it…
Ya know what, the flavors are much better on this one. It tastes like Tang. But then one of the blue curdles gets in my mouth and its freaking disgusting. Not the flavors, but the texture. It’s like I’m drinking orange Gatorade for a second, and then all of the sudden a huge booger enters my mouth. As good as this tastes, at least initially, it’s still a nightmare of textures. As a ballsy move I’ll try and just take a huge swig. OH GOD, ALMOST RALPHED. IT’S THE BOOGERS, IT’S DESTROYING ME PSYCHOLOGICALLY.
PUKE: 4 out of 10
BUBBLING BRAINS EXPERIMENT
Oh god, finally, the last one. The box says that you can make 40+ creations. Maybe that’s a typo, because I only see the option to make 4 things. Anyway, on to the grand finale, the bubbling brains! Basically just add some powder to the brain bowl thing.
Then add some water.
Then watch it bubble over…
THIRD MESS OF THE NIGHT. FINISH YOUR DRINKS.
Ok, I guess I’ll taste this one now…
Hmmm… It actually doesn’t taste bad at first, for the first couple of seconds. Then it starts to get that metallically bug mix aftertaste, and it makes me want to puke again. ECHHH. This was just a dumb excuse to make a mess.
BRAINS: 3 out of 10
I have no idea why I liked this stuff as a kid. I HATE DOCTOR DREADFUL NOW. HE MAKES POISON. DID I NOT HAVE TASTE BUDS AS A KID? HOW DID I MAKE THIS STUFF BEFORE AND ENJOY IT? I HATE YOU CHILDHOOD SCOTT, I HATE YOU.
Naturally, since i never plan on using this tool of the devil ever again, I will now conduct the ultimate experiment, just pour all of the mix into a bowl and add some water.
OK, now time to taste it.
IT WAS IN MY MOUTH FOR ONE SECOND AND I ALMOST IMMEDIATELY BLEW CHUNKS. OH GOD. DOCTOR DREADFUL SHOULD BE STRIPPED OF HIS MEDICAL LICENSE.