Movie Review: Sharknado

SHARKNADO

I have nothing better to do tonight, so I thought I’d check out SyFy Channel’s hilariously titled new movie, Sharknado.  I’ll just write down my thoughts as I watch.

I was a little disappointed that the Sharknado doesn’t form in the first 30 seconds of the film.  We have to wait an excruciating 4 minutes.  If I were to have made this movie I would have done a slow motion, almost Lars von Trier-ish forming of the Sharknado set to opera music.  I would have been instantly sold on this being the best movie ever made if that happened.

The second scene is a two minute montage of skateboarding, surfing, and bikini babes.  Followed by some character development of people I don’t want to get to know because I fear they will taste the bitter sting of the Sharknado in due time.  I don’t want to feel emotions while I watch Sharknado.

This movie has the worst soundtrack I’ve ever heard.

I’m a little confused why the first beach attack scene was just a bunch of sharks killing people in regular ways (in about 2 inches of water somehow), and they weren’t really in tornado formation?  I came here for the storm of sharks.  If I wanted to see regular shark attacks, I’d watch Jersey Shore Shark Attack, also available on SyFy channel.

The reason they didn’t eat the Australian guy: “Sharks don’t like Vegemite”.  Kind of a funny line, even if it’s stupid.

Whoa, Tara Reid is not a good actress…  Not that that was a huge surprise.  I guess i just haven’t seen her in anything since American Pie 2.

Lots of gratuitous cleavage shots in this movie.

A great weapon against sharks?  Bar stools…  Who’d have thunk?

This movie would be 100x better if I were 100% drunker.

I hope the Sharknado doesn’t end up being a man-made creation in a twist, that would disappoint me.  THIS NEEDS TO BE AN ALLEGORY FOR CONTEMPORARY RELIGION.  IT HAS TO BE.

I think one shot of blood running into a drain was just a shot of clear water but they used a color filter in post production.  If there’s one good thing about making a movie like this, it’s that no one will blame you if you do stuff as tacky and horrible looking as that.  Because this is SHARKNADO, not Citizen Kane.

So was this movie filmed in 5 days, or like 9 days?

I don’t think the middle of a Sharknado is the best time to be having an argument about child support with your ex-wife?  But that’s just me.

This has easily the most shots angled through a car windshield in the history of shark movies.  Half of this movie takes place in a car.

Wait, this whole time the main characters name is Finn?!  I hope that it’s like Finn Hammertooth or something.  And here’s his partner Gill Makojaw.

They should have gotten Phillip Seymour Hoffman to play the bus driver.  He probably had a scheduling conflict, though.

I’m going to be honest with you, I’m an hour in, and I’m not really sure what the point of this movie is.

Still has better special effects design than Jack the Giant Slayer.

Do lots of Hummers have nitrous buttons that you press that make them go 120 MPH instantly?  Is that a standard feature?

“We can’t just sit here and wait for sharks to rain down on us…!”   I bet Jane Austen wishes she could have written that line in one of her novels.

Nova’s shark scar story is easily this generation’s U.S.S. Indianapolis.  Quint has been put to shame.  The final lines of that opus: “Sharks killed my grandfather.  That’s why I hate sharks.”  Poetry.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if Martin Scorsese directed a SyFy channel movie?  Like he was given the script for Sharknado, and was told he could do whatever he wanted with it.  DiCaprio would have nailed the complex role of Finn.  “You want them to chop me up and feed me to the sharks?!”

Killing sharks with chainsaws is oddly pleasing.

Two hours after the Sharknado first formed, there are still people swimming in swimming pools?  Go inside, old people…  Jeez…

Awesome screenwriting 101: THROWING BOMBS INTO TORNADOES KILLS TORNADOES.  TORNADOES GO BOOM.

Ending with “fin” was kind of a hilarious touch.

BUT WHAT DID IT ALL MEAN???

 

Final Thoughts:  Funny movie title, ridiculous concept, but in the end it’s still just an awful SyFy Channel movie.  No better or worse than Sharktopus, Swamp Shark, Dinoshark, or Megashark.  In other words, don’t bother.  It’s not THAT fun.

4 out of 10

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