Lazy Movie Review: Machete Kills

machete sucks

Premise:  I’m not sure what I was thinking going to see this movie?  I guess I kind of felt obliged to for some reason.  It certainly didn’t look very good in the commercials.  But ya know, I enjoyed the first Machete somewhat, and I think (?) I support the modern grindhouse resurrection genre.  Though, now that I think about it, nothing much comes to mind that’s good about this genre, except, maybe…  Grindhouse itself?  Hmmmm…  Wait, I liked Hobo With a Shotgun and Black Dynamite, too.  But that’s only three movies.  Maybe this whole concept wasn’t such a great idea after all…?  Especially if we’ve appointed the main figure to make these movies to be Robert Rodriguez.

 

Pros:

-Seeing Mel Gibson ride around in Luke Skywalker’s land-speeder was an amusingly silly shot.  In fact, Mel Gibson was probably the *only* cast member to bring something interesting to the table.

-The inside-out gun was a cool weapon, I guess.  However, the CGI used to turn people inside-out was not.

-Seeing Danny Trejo as an astronaut *would* have been funny, if the 100 minutes of terrible footage before it hadn’t already killed a part of my soul.

-The guy sitting in the row behind me fell asleep and started snoring for the last 40 minutes of the movie.  It was one of the few times I’ve ever laughed at audience noise.  Because it was appropriate.

 

Cons:

-Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Charlie Sheen, Cuba Gooding Jr, Lady Gaga, Vanessa Hudgens…  It’s like an all-star cast of people you don’t want to see in a movie!

-You don’t name a movie “Machete Kills”, with that kind of a cast, and have it be any longer than 80 minutes.  This went on 25 minutes longer than that.  And it FELT like three hours.

-So, uh, Sofia Vergara is really annoying, huh?  Also, her character just sort of disappears, for some reason?  And she shoots guns out of her boobies (hahahaha!  boobies!), and also uses a strap-on penis gun.  Hahah- wait, Robert Rodriguez already used that gag in From Dusk Til Dawn…  Now he’s just stealing things from his old movies?  Oh shit, Michelle Rodriguez is crying blood from a missing eyeball.  Rodriguez totally did that in Once Upon a Time in Mexico already!  The only thing missing was a guitar gun.

-I found it very annoying how every other person in the movie pronounced Machete’s name Mah-CHET-ayyyy.

-No one in the screening I was at really laughed at any of the jokes throughout the whole movie.  Except *one* guy, who chuckled at all of Charlie Sheen’s jokes.  Keep on “Winning!”, sir.  KEEP ON WINNING.

-I think Robert Rodriguez needs to realize that there’s a very big difference between creating strong female characters, and having chicks in bikinis shoot machine guns.  Just because they’re mowing down dudes, doesn’t mean they have character development that goes past “HURRR HURRR HURRR LOOK AT THAT CLEAVAGE SHAKE WHEN SHE SHOOTS THEM THERE BIG GUNS.  WOOO HOOOO!”  Come to think of it, I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a movie that has literally zero character development in any character.  UNTIL NOW.

-Putting artificial film grain and scratches over heavily green-screened, terribly shot digital video looks…  how do I say it…  obnoxiously stupid?  Yeah, that sounds about right.

-What’s wrong with squibs?  Squibs rule.  Rodriguez continues to refuse to use anything other than CGI blood.  And it makes the whole thing look like a SyFy Channel production.

-I have to tell you about the weirdest, dumbest joke in the entire movie.  So Machete gets shot or whatever, and he is getting patched up by this doctor, who is getting introduced to us for the first time.  And while he’s getting a bandage put on him, the doctor says “Please excuse me if I smell.  Did you know the average human passes gas fourteen times a day?”  Then the doctor walks away.  AND YOU NEVER SEE THAT CHARACTER AGAIN.  It was just Robert Rodriguez’s irresistible urge to force in an unnecessary fart joke for some reason.  I was *almost* impressed with how randomly stupid it was.

-Near the end of the movie, Michelle Rodriguez gets frozen in carbonite a la Hans Solo, but she does it while HOLDING UP A MIDDLE FINGER!  HA!  TAKE THAT SOCIETY!  A MIDDLE FINGER!  YOU HEARD ME CORRECTLY, A MIDDLE FINGER!  So…  is Robert Rodriguez 12-years-old?  Did he try to make a movie for 12-year-olds?  It’s rated R, so they can’t even see it.  Think about this…  He actually went as far as to create and order a large prop for this movie of a carbonite Michelle Rodriguez, that he saw before he started shooting, still thought it was a funny idea, and proceeded to shoot the shot, and then leave it in the final edit.  He is a 45-year-old man, who has shot fifteen feature films.  I actually gave out an audible groan when I saw it on the screen.

-Now, as a 29-year-old man, I felt slightly dumb while asking the teenage theater employee “one ticket for Machete Kills, please.”  It’s never a good sign when you feel embarrassed just for purchasing a ticket to a movie.  I knew I should have just gotten a ticket for Metallica 3D instead…!

 

Final Thoughts:  Machete Kills (easily a front-runner for the worst movie of the year) has made me look back at every Robert Rodriguez movie I’ve ever seen, and wonder if he’s ever made a good movie that’s actually stood the test of time?  I used to really like Sin City, when I was a 20-year-old kid.  I tried to watch it recently, or at least part of it, and I’ve just sort of grown out of it.  I think the same thing can be said about From Dusk Til Dawn.  That might have been his most well-made production, at least.  Once Upon a Time in Mexico was alright.  I think you’d be hard-pressed to find a single person who would say that’s one of their favorite movies.  Planet Terror was entertaining, but that’s because I liked Grindhouse as a whole at the time.  Nowadays, if I rewatch anything regarding that production, I just put in Death Proof and leave it at that.  What else is there?  Desperado?  I’d probably call you a liar if you claimed you remember anything about that movie other than Antonio Banderas shooting a dude with a guitar gun.  As far as I’m concerned, that whole movie was just one scene.  He made The Faculty, didn’t he?  That might have been watchable, but I haven’t seen it in probably twelve years, and I barely remember it, outside of it being about alien teachers invading a high school.  Let’s not forget he’s also made four Spy Kids movies, and also Shark Boy and Lava Girl.  I honestly think the best thing Rodriguez has ever done, and the one that holds up best is his “Misbehavers” segment from Four Rooms.  That shit is gold.

But damn, I think I’m officially anti-Robert Rodriguez at this point.  What’s the point of watching his stuff anymore?  The guy is still making films at the same maturity level now that he was almost 20 years ago.  If I may paraphrase Matthew McConaughey right now, “That’s what I hate about these Robert Rodriguez movies, maaaan…  I get older, and his developmental growth and artistic maturity stay the saaaaaaame aaaaaage…  Hehe alllllllllriiiiiiiiiiiight.”

Now let’s all just pray to whatever god you see fit that Robert Rodriguez never *actually* makes Machete Kills Again in Space.

1.5 out of 10

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