Well, hello there! Here’s the third installment of Dino Bone’s Drunken Movie Review. I’ve previously covered Little Fockers and That’s My Boy, and tonight I thought I’d give another movie a chance that I probably wouldn’t have given it if I weren’t drinking. The Secret Lives of Dorks is a movie that I constantly see in my Amazon Prime recommended movies, and I don’t know why. But I certainly hope to uncover the SECRET, in what I assume is one of the greatest mystery/suspense films of our time. I read an article about this film once that said that Hitchcock passed on this screenplay, because he thought it would be too shocking for audiences. FYI, I’ll be drinking “Nautical Professors” tonight (Sailor Jerry and Dr. Pepper), and I’m stirring it with a knife. I don’t know why I included that last bit of information.
The movie starts with a little introduction to our main character, the titular “Dork.” Here’s what we learn about him in the first 3 minutes of the film.
-He has over-gelled, center parted hair and big rimmed glasses.
-He wanders around the school campus saying pick up lines out loud like “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together”. This is also a school campus that features a fat lesbian janitor who acts as security, and a 30-something year old actor playing a jock who drives a sports car.
-He does other people’s homework, UNDER THREAT OF VIOLENCE (even though he doesn’t come across as actually smart),
-His dad wishes he was a jock, BUT HE IS SO A DORK. HAHAHA HE CAN’T CATCH A FOOTBALL.
-He’s writing his own comic book, called Super Payton, about him as a super hero.
-He’s in love with a cheerleader named Carrie, who is a total jerk to him, but he still wants her anyway.
WHOA, THE MOVIE JUST GOT FLIPPED ON ITS HEAD. Now the voice over narration is from Carrie, who is talking about what a dork the dork is (gets screenplay awards ready).
Oh no, Payton just knocked over a tray of cupcakes on Carrie’s boobies! He is totally going to ruin her senior year.
OH NO. JIM BELUSHI IS PLAYING THE DAD/GYM COACH. HE’S COMEDY POISON.
They paid Mike Ditka to be in this movie. I assume he didn’t read the screenplay, but just looked at the check, said yes, and showed up to the set and read a cue card.
The jock just goes around the room flexing on nerds. He goes up to Payton, and lays down our first sweet plot twist… He needs Payton to teach him “everything there is to know… about COMIC BOOKS.” (QUE DRAMATIC MUSIC). So here’s where it gets kind of confusing. The jock is dating Carrie the cheerleader, and Payton tells him to meet him at the local comic book store. The jock says “OK, but I’ll have to bring Carrie” (FOLLOWED BY 20 SECOND MONTAGE/DREAM SEQUENCE OF CARRIE IN SWIMSUIT), and THEN the jock says “But Carrie can’t find out about this…” HUH? Then why would you bring her along, bro? Meanwhile, this whole conversation is happening while Payton is drawing what is obviously a cartoon of the jock’s girlfriend right in front of the jock.
The jock leaves the room by yelling “Dorks!” What a butthole. I BET HE’LL GET WHAT’S COMING TO HIM.
Behold Payton’s two best friends. A fat ginger and a stereotypical Asian kid.
I’ve also noticed the entire movie has generic rock music playing softly in the background.
ENTER UNIBROWED DORKETTE (what the Amazon description describes her as). She clearly likes Payton for some unknown reason, and through expository voice over dialogue from Carrie’s head, she plans on hooking up the two of them up, so that Payton will leave her alone. Wait, why did the jock actually need to go to learn about comic books? THIS IS NEVER ADDRESSED. THE SECRET LIVES OF JOCKS.
I guess there’s a subplot with Jim Belushi and the biology teacher (Jennifer Tilly) trying to hook up. But Belushi is such a jock dad that he can only talk about the Bears. ALL HE DOES IS WATCH FOOTBALL. HE NO UNDERSTAND THE DORKS. [DOES 50 PUSHUPS]
This is what the movie thinks text messages look like:
The debate club meeting, Carrie argues that the Nazis were terrible people, but they had really stylish fashion sense. It’s not even like an edgy joke. It’s just weird. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED.
“I like your nail polish…” “I’m not wearing any…” (heavy mouth breathing) Kind of the funniest joke in the movie.
The ever-present jock. He’s just there in the background in basically every scene. WAIT, WHY DID HE NEED TO LEARN ABOUT COMIC BOOKS? THEY STILL HAVEN’T ADDRESSED THIS… THE. SECRET. LIVES. OF. JOCKS.
THE DORK ASKED OUT THE DORKETTE. YES!! Also, Payton doesn’t even seem that obsessed with Carrie, he basically *immediately* went along with her plan to go out with the dorkette. The dorkette is way better than Carrie anyway. I mean, Carrie is a freaking nazi.
OH NO. Payton has eaten too many tacos. TOO MANY TACOS. He has to poop. BUT HE’S ABOUT TO GO ON HIS DATE. HE’S FARTING EVERYWHERE.
SHE HAS SMELLED HIS FARTS.
Ohhhhhh my god. I’m not even halfway through the duration of this movie…
Now Payton is talking with dorkette’s parents about how he doesn’t plan on touching their daughters breast, and that she probably got them from the mom’s nice boobs. GENETICS.
Then he flailed his arm wildly for some reason, and OOPS, HE DONE TOUCHED THE BOOBY.
Don’t worry folks, there’s basically no consequence to this.
OOPS he done took her to a MALE STRIP CLUB! HAHAHAHAHA. (they leave immediately and there’s no consequence)
They go to another restaurant, it just so happens that it’s the same restaurant that everyone at the high school is also eating at the same time, including Carrie and the jock. There was a stain on the dorkette’s pants and it looked like she POOPIED HER PANTZ, and everyone laughed at her, so Payton had to smooth it over. Patyon goes as far as to hit on Carrie right in front of the dorkette, and the dorkette points this out, and he continues to do it. Then Payton eats onions, and he’s allergic to UNZ, so he spews all over dorkette.
And she *STILL* likes him after that. She wants a second date for some reason. Here’s the rationale: “You’re a dork, Payton. You are yourself, and you don’t try to be anyone else. You’re cool”, to which he replies, “Not as cool as Clark (the jock), he’s dating the hottest girl in school” That *somehow* makes her want to kiss him…???????????????????? WHAT???? GOD DAMN IT DORKETTE. YOU CAN DO BETTER.
Cut to: Another Jim Belushi scene of watching a Mike Ditka video.
THE DORKS ARE GETTING ALONG.
Oh snap. The dorkette invited him up to her bedroom after the second date. WAIT, I THINK HER UNIBROW WENT AWAY SINCE THE FIRST TIME WE SAW HER, JUST SAYING. She just dressed up as a CHEERLEADER for him and made out with him for five minutes, and he’s still all “DURRR I LIKE CARRIE”. I want to beat this kid up so bad. I’M TURNING INTO A JOCK.
HE’S SO DORK HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO GIVE A HIGH FIVE.
Third Ditka appearance. *COUGH* SELLOUT *COUGH* *COUGH*
The awesome texts continue.
That one is a result of Carrie’s friend saying “We aren’t talking to each other, because you’re head cheerleader, and YOU don’t have a date to the Halloween dance…” Not Prom. Not homecoming. THE FREAKING HALLOWEEN DANCE. Maybe if your friends are THAT unbearably shallow, you should find some new friends… So, this sets into motion the premise of the third act. Carrie doesn’t have a date (because the jock is cheating on her I guess? He keeps sneaking away to see some older lady), SO SHE MUST ASK OUT PAYTON. Because every other guy in school wouldn’t go out with the supermodel cheerleader. there is NO ONE else. So she must reverse all that she is done with hooking up dork and dorkette, and GET PAYTON BACK TO LIKING HER. Because out of some ass backwards logic, going to a (HALLOWEEN) dance with the most annoying kid in school (Payton) is better than going with no one at all… (flips over computer desk)
Dorkette calls out Payton for getting used by Carrie because he’s a stupid turd. What a freaking butthole. I hate Payton.
Quick montage plot recap over the last 3 minutes: Dorkette glues Carrie’s pom-poms to her hands (they unstick like two scenes later with no consequence). Dorkette asks Payton’s Asian friend to the dance. Also, this is supposed to be a high school student:
Carrie went to the Halloween dance AS Dorkette. OH SNAP.
OH CRAP. Payton just told Carrie off. He said “Every guy wants to be with you. And every girl wants to be you. But what Samantha (dorkette) has, is a beautiful soul.” WHY DID IT TAKE YOU THAT LONG TO FIGURE THAT OUT, YOU FREAKING MORON. GOD. SCREW YOU. In a just world, this movie ends with dorkette leaving the dance, never talking to any of these people again, getting a good college education, and meeting a normal person whom she loves very much.
MEANWHILE, CARRIE’S TWO SHALLOW FRIENDS WHO SCOLDED HER FOR NOT HAVING A DATE… DIDN’T FREAKING BRING DATES EITHER.
Soooooo, Carrie kisses Payton, and he realizes that dorkette was the real girl for him, because Carrie’s kiss didn’t mean anything to him. OBV. But DORKETTE LEFT THE DANCE… (I guess he can’t call her?). Jim Belushi gives a motivational speech to go after dorkette. Belushi says Payton’s love for dorkette is more important than even the CHICAGO BEARS! Jim Belushi means business! HE LOVES THE BEARS, AS FORCEFULLY INDICATED THROUGH 15 POINTLESS JIM BELUSHI SCENES.
OK HOLY CRAP. You want a genuine twist? The unmentioned comic book learning by the dumb jock guy that was honestly the biggest secret of the movie? THE JOCK WAS LEARNING COMIC BOOKS TO RELATE TO A SMALL RETARDED BOY WHO JUST GOT INTRODUCED TO US AT THE 1 HOUR 20 MINUTE MARK. WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHAT? HOLY CRAP. THIS IS A LEGITIMATELY UNEXPECTED TWIST. Carrie thought he was cheating on her because he kept sneaking away to see somebody. IT WAS A RETARDED BOY. The older lady he was seeing was THE RETARDED BOY’S MOTHER. Kudos. BRAVO. It’s so god damn random and makes no sense to the jock’s overall character development that it’s almost brilliant. Wow. Kind of blown away. Did not see a retarded kid coming.
Anyway, Carrie sees this happen and she asks dorkette (who I guess WORKS at the comic book store now?) why jock would want to hide the fact that he was being kind to a retarded boy from her, and dorkette responds verbatim “Because he’s captain of the football team, he didn’t want you to think he was uncool.” Oh wow. This is some alternate universe where a jock being nice to a retarded kid is shunned upon, I guess? OK, the twist is sort of unraveling. Why would you EVER hide that from your girlfriend? That nugget of info is worth like a 1000 blowjobs. This must be some weird alien planet or something they didn’t address. This can’t be the Earth we all know. This isn’t normal human behavior. Carrie even immediately thinks it’s sweet. Why would jock hide this? THE SECRET LIFE OF THE JOCK REMAINS THE MOST SECRET, BEST PART OF THIS FILM. THE JOCK IS THE BEST CHARACTER.
Now Payton is threatening to eat an onion unless dorkette says she should date him. What a douche. PAYTON SHOULD DIE.
She says “You had me at a very large onion”. Ha! Jerry Maguire, you guys! Only 17 years late on that reference! WHY WOULD YOU WANT THIS CLOWN, DORKETTE? HE TREATED YOU LIKE CRAP THE WHOLE MOVIE. HE DIDN’T WANT YOU UNTIL HE REALIZED THE OTHER GIRL WASN’T FOR HIM. YOU WERE HIS SECOND CHOICE THE ENTIRE DURATION OF THIS FILM. SCREW THIS MOVIE.
The voice over message at end the of the film “Dorks are in right now.” UHHHHHHHG.
The last frame of the film: Ditka serves Jim Belushi an onion dish at his restaurant and Belushi pukes all over Ditka.
In the end, there was nothing secret about the life of this dork. He was the most transparent, douchey lamewad that ever lived. The jock on the other hand, NOW HE HAD A GOOD SECRET.
2 out of 10