I’ve always kind of wanted to go back through all of my reviews for a year, and see which movies I’ve basically forgotten that I even watched because they made little to no impact on me whatsoever. That doesn’t necessarily mean that these are the worst movies of the year, because I actually remember a bunch of movies as being memorably terrible; like The Lone Ranger, R.I.P.D. and After Earth. When I look back at 2013, I will remember the noticeable atrocities. But these movies probably won’t even be remembered for being bad, as they won’t be remembered at all…
I’ll try to recall as much as I can about these films (some of which I only saw a couple of months ago), but I’ll probably be pretty spoilery in the process, so skip over any movie you ever plan on watching.
10. We’re the Millers
What do I remember about it? Jason Sudeikis plays the most laid back drug dealer ever. There’s a dorky kid who follows him around. Jennifer Aniston is a stripper and does a pointless striptease for terrorists in a warehouse, and Sudeikis winks at the camera partway through it. The teen boy gets a spider bite on this testicles after singing “Waterfalls” by TLC. Definitely don’t remember how the movie ended, but I assume Sudeikis and Aniston got together.
What do I remember about it? Some guy kills a shark with a bar stool. Another guy kills a shark with a chainsaw. There were lots of bad CG effects. I remember it was trying way too hard to be a bad movie. Didn’t they like shoot bombs into the Sharknado to destroy the wind or something stupid like that? It was very grey looking.
8. The Incredible Burt Wonderstone
What do I remember about it? Jim Carrey was funny in everything he did, but he wasn’t in it for very long. Ummm… Burt and his partner Steve Buscemi had a falling out. And… Olivia Wilde’s character fell in love with Burt Wonderstone a little too easily. I’m also remembering a scene where Steve Carrell is yelling in a glass box.
7. Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
What do I remember about it? Hansel is a diabetic from eating too much of the candy house when he was a kid. There was a big troll puppet dude. I couldn’t tell you how this movie ended if you put a gun to my head. I remember questioning why this movie ever even got made.
6. G.I. Joe Retaliation
What do I remember about it? C-Tates dies in the first 5 minutes. There’s an underground bunker where the government spends probably billions of dollars to imprison three super villains, instead of just killing them. The Rock blows things up. Bruce Willis was there, I remember him shooting a machine gun out of the back of a pickup truck. Also, ninjas fighting on a mountain.
5. Gangster Squad
What do I remember about it? To be fair, this was the first movie I saw in 2013, but yeah, I don’t remember much at all. Really, like almost nothing. What I remember most is the ending confrontation with Josh Brolin and Sean Penn in a park or something. Baby Goose was there, but I can’t recall what his purpose was in the movie. I assume he was the smooth talking agent.
4. Dark Skies
What do I remember about it? Birds flew into their house. Kerri Russell smashed her head against a window. In the end, the kid’s voice ends up on the radio. Aliens are jerks for no reason. Nothing else.
3. The Host
What do I remember about it? People have alien eyes. There’s a corn field underground. Everyone acted really blandly. Was there a love triangle? I want to say there was a love triangle.
2. Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III
What do I remember about it? Charlie Sheen was reminiscing about past lovers. I think he drove a hot dog car? He drove some sort of wacky car. The plot of this movie or anything specific about it has completely left my brain. I definitely forgot Bill Murray and Jason Schwartzman were in this until I started looking for a picture to accompany this post.
1. Dead Man Down
What do I remember about it? It was a WWE Films Production. It had Colin Farrell and Noomi Rapace. She had a face scar. Uhhhhh… There was violence? I kind of remember wondering why this wasn’t a straight to video release?
Maybe I should down some more ginkgo biloba…?