The 107 Films I’ve Seen From 2013

Christian Bale;Amy Adams;Bradley CooperI blew my numbers out of the park this year!  I saw 26 more films this year than I did last year.  I think that can be because of the fact I started working freelance from home in 2013, and basically made my own hours, so I was able to check out a handful more movies.  It might be a numbers game of just seeing more films, but last year I gave 6 films an “A” grade, and this year I gave 8 films an “A”.  Last years “B’s” were 24 films, and this year had 30.  But then last year had 34 “D” or “F” films, and this year had 48.  So does that mean this year was worse than last year?  I once again don’t know, and numbers still make my head hurt.

So here’s my list of the 107 films I saw that were released in 2013, in order, and with some grades.  And like an overstuffed public school classroom, a lot of people didn’t get very good grades.  It also doesn’t include Inside Lleywn Davis, because I guess a critically acclaimed new film by the super accomplished Coen Bros still only warrants a limited release…?  JUST PLAY IT AROUND ME ALREADY.  I’M TRYING TO THROW MONEY AT YOU.  I also think I’m gonna wait for Netflix on Walter Mitty and 47 Ronin.  I’m just not that enthused to watch them anytime soon.

If any of the grades don’t match the score of the original review, it’s probably because I’ve rewatched it and/or changed my view on it.  Here’s to another year of good filmmaking!  Let’s hope 2014 doesn’t get too depressing!

107.  Machete Kills

107 machete kills

I think I’ve finally found a non-Adam Sandler film I disliked more than Sucker Punch.

Grade:  F-

Original Review HERE

 

106.  The Secret Lives of Dorks

106 secret lives of dorks

Fun fact: after I wrote my drunken review of this, I tweeted the review to the director of the film, and she favorited it.  I’m…  *not* sure she actually read the review…?

Grade:  F-

Original Review HERE

 

105.  R.I.P.D

105 ripd

Worth watching if you want to see some really bad special effects.  Also, Ryan Reynolds has the enthusiasm and charisma of a damp paper towel.

Grade:  F-

Original Review HERE

 

104.  Would You Rather

104 would you rather

I wonder if I’m the only person who actually watched this movie?

Grade:  F-

Original Review HERE

 

103.  First Comes Love

103 first comes love

From the documentary filmmaker behind “Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Bride,” comes a terrible attempt to make a pity piece about her *choice* to become a single mother, and all the struggles she *chose* to endure by doing so.  YOU AIN’T SPECIAL, LADY.

Grade:  F-

Original Review HERE

 

102.  Sharknado

102 sharknado

And let the country never be fooled by SyFy Channel again.

Grade:  F-

Original Review HERE

 

101.  Stoker

101 stoker

I think I liked it more than Tree of Life, though.

Grade:  F-

Original Review HERE

 

100.  A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III

100 charles swan

Don’t even bother.  There are movies that are so bad they become watchable, and then movies like this that are so bad that they should have the original negatives burned so no one accidentally sits through it in the future.

Grade:  F-

Original Review HERE

 

99.  After Earth

099 after earrth

I really hope this marks the beginning of the end of Will Smith’s mouth-breathing wiener kid’s career.

Grade:  F-

Original Review HERE

 

98.  The Counselor

098 conselor

Ridley Scott kind of sucks.  I hate more of his movies than I enjoy.

Grade:  F-

Original Review HERE

 

97.  Movie 43

097 movie 43

This was saved from complete turdification by the home schooling sketch and the Beezel the cat sketch, both of which I’ve watched again and enjoyed.  BUT AVOID THE REST OF THIS MOVIE LIKE THE PLAGUE.

Grade:  F

Original Review HERE

 

96.  Computer Chess

096 computer chess

Nice try fellas, but you ain’t David Lynch.

Grade:  F

Original Review HERE

 

95.  The Lone Ranger

095 lone ranger

Ha!  He has a dead bird for a hat!  Ha!

Grade:  F

Original Review HERE

 

94.  Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

094 hansel and gretel

Could have used a little more crazy energy and dumb ideas.  Honestly, it wasn’t dumb *enough*, if that makes sense.

Grade:  F

Original Review HERE

 

93.  Crystal Fairy and the Magical Cactus

093 crystal fairy

I’m a staunch Michael Cera apologist, but even I was hesitant to enjoy him in this one.

Grade:  F

Original Review HERE

 

92.  Jack the Giant Slayer

092 jack the giant slayer

Hopefully this is the last of the “fairy tale darkening” trend.

Grade:  F

Original Review HERE

 

91.  Escape From Planet Earth

091 escape from planet earth

It was pretty dumb, even for little kids.

Grade:  F

Original Review HERE

 

90.  The Iceman

090 iceman

Why must you make me hate the works of Michael Shannon?!  I DON’T WANT TO.

Grade:  F

Original Review HERE

 

89.  The Lords of Salem

089 lords of salem

You’ll find 15 minutes of interesting cinematography in this sea of garbage…  …somewhere…

Grade:  F

Original Review HERE

 

88.  The Host

088 the host

More well made than Twilight.  There’s your compliment.

Grade:  F+

Original Review HERE

 

87.  Dead Man Down

087 dead man down

But he wasn’t ever dead, nor did he ever go down.  I DON’T GET THE TITLE.

Grade:  F+

Original Review HERE

 

86.  Fast & Furious 6

086 fast and furious 6

TOO SOON.

Grade:  F+

Original Review HERE

 

85.  All is Bright

085 all is bright

I recently watched the first 40 minutes of Prince Avalanche, and had to turn it off because it was so boring.  Here’s a tip to indie filmmakers:  stop casting the infinitely charming Paul Rudd in your films as a non-comedy sad-sack character.  No one wants to see that.

Grade:  F+

Original Review HERE

 

84.  Escape From Tomorrow

084 escape from tomorrow

A good idea, but I honestly don’t understand what they were actually trying to accomplish with this?  Plus, I hated the main character, that’s never good.

Grade:  F+

Original Review HERE

 

83.  21 & Over

083 twenty one and over

Jeff Chang!

Grade:  F+

Original Review HERE

 

82.  Olympus Has Fallen

082 olympus has fallen

A dumber version of White House Down.  White House Down Syndrome?  Ok, I’ll see myself out.  Sorry.

Grade:  D-

Original Review HERE

 

81.  G.I. Joe: Retaliation

081 gi joe retaliation

NOBODY KILLS C-TATES IN THE FIRST 10 MINUTES.

Grade:  D-

Original Review HERE

 

80.  Room 237

080 room 237

A few interesting ideas about The Shining, but ultimately, a lot of it is a huge stretch.

Grade:  D-

Original Review HERE

 

79.  Wrong

079 wrong

I still don’t really have anything to say about this movie.

Grade:  D-

Original Review HERE

 

78.  Bad Milo

078 bad milo

A demon living in Ken Marino’s ass is an amazing concept, but sadly it doesn’t go much past that.  I wish this movie was just a five-minute short about Marino bonding with the ass puppet.

Grade:  D-

Original Review HERE

 

77.  Gangster Squad

GANGSTER SQUAD

I have no recollection of the small details of this film.  I think I may not have been totally bored during it, but I also remember not exactly liking it either.

Grade:  D-

Original Review HERE

 

76.  Only God Forgives

076 only god forgives

Uhhhhhh.  I don’t know what this was.

Grade:  D-

Original Review HERE

 

75.  The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

075 burt wonderstone

I wanted to give this some silver lining and say it had the best Jim Carrey scenes of the year, but I don’t even think that’s true any more, right?

Grade:

Original Review HERE

 

74.  Epic

074 epic

It had some good ideas.  Yeah.  (quiet cough)

Grade:  D-

Original Review HERE

 

73.  The Purge

073 the purge

I would totally not claim any income on my taxes during Purge night.

Grade:  D-

Original Review HERE

 

72.  The Source Family

072 the source family

Interesting material for a doc, but the filmmaking was slightly boring.  It was still worth it in the end to find out the leader died in a hilarious hang gliding accident.

Grade:  D-

Original Review HERE

 

71.  We’re the Millers

071 were the millers

Was this whole movie just an excuse to see Jennifer Anniston in her underwear?  I thought we had the internet, people.

Grade:  D-

Original Review HERE

 

70.  Out of the Furnace

070 outof the furbace

[plays Pearl Jam’s “Release”]  Eh, it’s alright.  [plays Pearl Jam’s “Release”]

Grade:  D

Original Review HERE

 

69.  Ender’s Game

069 enders game

I wouldn’t mind it if I never saw Asa Butterfield act in anything ever again.

Grade:  D

Original Review HERE

 

68.  Cartoon College

068 cartoon college

Moderately entertaining doc about weird people who pay to go to a comic book drawing school.  There’s a lot of losers in it, but they are so neurotic and bizarre that I felt more sorry for them than I did entertained by them.

Grade:  D

Original Review HERE

 

67.  The Heat

067 the heat

There’s some funny moments scattered over the excruciatingly long 150 minute run time.  But I hope you like sitting through a lot of Sandra Bullock trying to do physical comedy and failing horribly.

Grade:  D

Original Review HERE

 

66.  Man of Steel

066 man of steel

This is one of those movies that’s almost enjoyable, until you look at it on ANY sort of critical level.

Grade:  D

Original Review HERE

 

65.  Prisoners

065 prisoners

What a dooooooooooooooooooowner.

Grade:  D+

Original Review HERE

 

64.  Pain & Gain

064 pain and gain

I was fascinated by the story of this film, and it would have been better in more capable, less retardedly juvenile hands than Michael Bay.

Grade:  D+

Original Review HERE

 

63.  Identity Thief

Identity Thief

This may be turning into one of those terrible guilty pleasure films that I can have in the background all the time.  But I wouldn’t recommend watching it with your full attention.

Grade:  D+

Original Review HERE

 

62.  Oz the Great and Powerful

062 oz great and powerful

I tried watching this again on HBO, and I just couldn’t do it.  It’s just not that good.

Grade:  D+

Original Review HERE

 

61.  Evil Dead

061 evil dead

I guess it’s torture porn, but at least it wasn’t Eli Roth levels of torture porn.

Grade:  D+

Original Review HERE

 

60.  Oblivion

060 oblivion

EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Grade:  D+

Original Review HERE

 

59.  The Cheshire Murders

059 cheshire murders

A decent documentary about a terrible incident that didn’t quite have the narrative focus to be a great documentary.  If you watch it, prepare to be bummed out.

Grade:  C-

Original Review HERE

 

58.  Carrie

058 carrie

Surprisingly not awful for a completely unnecessary remake.

Grade:  C-

Original Review HERE

 

57.  Kick-Ass 2

057 kick ass 2

My grade comes from someone who really likes both the first film AND the comics, AND I’m probably being easier on it than I should be…  So, watch at your own risk.

Grade:  C-

Original Review HERE

 

56.  Mama

056 mama

I’ve been watching this a lot lately in chunks on HBO…  I don’t hate it.

Grade:  C-

Original Review HERE

 

55.  Now You See Me

055 now you see me

I just checked, and I totally forgot to write a review of this movie after I saw it, which probably says something about it.  From what I remember, the twist was dumb, and I would have rather had a fun bank heist movie about magicians instead of the convoluted plot they actually wrote into the film.  But it was all worth making so that we could get painfully awkward Jesse Eisenberg interviews.

Grade:  C-

Original Review N/A

 

54.  The ABCs of Death

054 the abcs of death

A hit or miss mish-mash of sometimes amazing, sometimes absolutely terrible segments.  For every great Japanese fart explosion bit, there’s an awful segment about child rape.  I’d just follow along with my ratings in the review and only watch the good ones.  But still, it’s kind of a unique experience to just let EVERYTHING soak in a little bit.  DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, JERK.

Grade:  C-

Original Review HERE

 

53.  The Hangover Part III

053 hangover 3

I’m probably more tolerant of these Hangover movies than a lot of people, I mean, I even liked the second one, so I’m sure this has a much lower grade in almost everyone else’s mind.  But even I will say it could have used 80% less Ken Jeong.

Grade:  C-

Original Review HERE

 

52.  Bad Grandpa

052 bad grandpa

I like all the Jackass stuff (that doesn’t involve Bam Margera), but this still kind of felt like a cheap cash grab.  Could have used more clever bits, and less old man droopy balls jokes.

Grade:  C-

Original Review HERE

 

51.  Elysium

051 elysium

This *almost* made my most forgettable films of 2013 list, because I can barely remember anything that happened in it.  An honorable forgettable mention.

Grade:  C

Original Review HERE

 

50.  Blue Jasmine

Cate Blanchett in Woody Allen's Blue Jasmine

Good Cate Blanchette performance, good Bobby Cannivale performance, good Sally Hawkins performance; well, I guess this was just more of a good performance type movie than an actual good story type movie.

Grade:  C

Original Review HERE

 

49.  V/H/S 2

049 vhs 2

I plan on watching the cult compound segment again when this gets on Netflix.  It’s probably on there already, I haven’t checked recently, LEAVE ME ALONE.

Grade:  C

Original Review HERE

 

48.  Pussy Riot: A Punk Prayer

048 pussy riot

Terrible music, good message.

Grade:  C

Original Review HERE

 

47.  I Declare War

047 i declare war

When I was a kid I got really into imagining I was an orc from the first Warcraft game while waving sticks around in my backyard, so I would be a hypocrite to call the characters in this movie stupid.

Grade:  C

Original Review HERE

 

46.  The Great Gatsby

046 great gatsby

I don’t think they could have done it any better, but that being said, it’s probably impossible to make The Great Gatsby into a *great* film.

Grade:  C

Original Review HERE

 

45.  White House Down

045 white house down

Good silly fun, and it will forever be in my heart for the line “Get your hands off my Jordans.”

Grade:  C

Original Review HERE

 

44.  Spring Breakers

044 spring breakers

Ya know, at the very least, this was the first Harmony Korine film that I didn’t completely freaking despise.

Grade:  C

Original Review HERE

 

43.  Thor: The Dark World

043 thor 2

Asgard prison looks a lot nicer than Chicago prison.

Grade:  C+

Original Review HERE

 

42.  World War Z

042 world war z

Good effort, I GUESS, but hopefully the sequel actually uses material from the book.

Grade:  C+

Original Review HERE

 

41.  Pacific Rim

041 pacific rim

I actually didn’t like it as much on a second viewing as I did when I saw it in theaters, but watching giant monsters fight robots is never *not* cool.

Grade:  C+

Original Review HERE

 

40.  Insidious Chapter 2

Insidious 2 trailer (Screengrab)

Worth it for Patrick Wilson’s Jack Torrence impression.

Grade:  C+

Original Review HERE

 

39.  Don Jon

DON JON

A valiant attempt to make a romantic comedy with a different spin on it, but I guess I wish it was better, though.  Kind of how I assume Scarlett Johansson wishes she had a better New Jersey accent.

Grade:  C+

Original Review HERE

 

38.  Life According to Sam

038 life according to sam

I forgot to write a review about this documentary, but it’s about a kid with progeria that surprisingly *isn’t* all that depressing, because Sam does a great job putting a positive spin on every aspect of his life.  I was expecting to get all teary-eyed, but instead ended up amazed at how grounded this kid was.  It’s a film that kind of makes you feel like an asshole for getting annoyed at the little things.  But I’ll probably still complain about how watered down my soda is at restaurants, because I’m a terrible person.

Grade:  B-

Original Review N/A

 

37.  Captain Phillips

037 captain phillips

It’s a shame that the real Captain Phillips was a doucher, I guess.  As far as Hollywood sensationalism goes, then, this one is pretty riveting.

Grade:  B-

Original Review HERE

 

36.  12 Years a Slave

036 twelve years a slave

It’s Oscar bait, but at least it’s Assbent Oscar bait.

Grade:  B-

Original Review HERE

 

35.  Miss You Can Do It

035 miss you can do it

The only thing about child beauty pageants I’ve ever seen that didn’t make me hate the world.

Grade:  B-

Original Review HERE

 

34.  Mud

034 mud

Matthew McConaughey and Reese Witherspoon make for two of the most unbelievably attractive white trash garbage water people in cinema history.

Grade:  B-

Original Review HERE

 

33.  Nebraska

033 nebraska

June Squibb is the old lady of the year.  I’m not surprised every guy from her hometown was trying to get in her pants back in the day.

Grade:  B-

Original Review HERE

 

32.  Rush

032 rush

I didn’t realize the band Rush got together over some racing rivalry, it was very informative.

Grade:  B-

Original Review HERE

 

31.  Upstream Color

031 upstream color

From what I understood, this is a pretty good movie.

Grade:  B-

Original Review HERE

 

30.  The Conjuring

030 the conjuring

It’s got some great set pieces, and some fantastic cinematography.  Maybe not as scary as I would have hoped it would be, but it’s a step in the right direction for horror films.

Grade:  B-

Original Review HERE

 

29.  Sound City

029 sound city

Worth watching for all the great musical history, from Fleetwood Mac to Nirvana.  And it’s directed by Dave Grohl, so you should probably support most things he does.

Grade:  B-

Original Review HERE

 

28.  Drug War

028 drug war

I was gonna say that this had the best drug trip freak out scene of the year, but then I saw The Wolf of Wall Street the other day.  But this has the SECOND best drug trip freak out scene, and also has *the* best shootout scene.

Grade:  B-

Original Review HERE

 

27.  Warm Bodies

027 warm bodies

Much more solid than its Twilight lookin’ posters would have you believe.

Grade:  B-

Original Review HERE

 

26.  Star Trek Into Darkness

026 star trek into darkness

I like these new Star Trek movies, but I really hope this isn’t what the Star Wars movies are also going to look like.

Grade:  B

Original Review HERE

 

25.  West of Memphis

025 west of memphis

It’s not as good as the Paradise Lost films, but it offers up some quality new revelations.  It was totally Hobbs.

Grade:  B

Original Review HERE

 

24.  The Wolverine

024 wolverine

I haven’t watched the extended edition yet, but I now have it in my possession and plan to watch it this week.  WANNA SEE WOLVERINE KILL MORE PEOPLE.

Grade:  B

Original Review HERE

 

23.  The Kings of Summer

023 kings of summer

Nick Offerman should play the dad character in every movie.

Grade:  B

Original Review HERE

 

22.  Fruitvale Station

022 fruitvale station

The minimalist vibe both helped and hurt it.  But at least they resisted the urge to turn it into some crappy found footage project.

Grade:  B

Original Review HERE

 

21.  The Spectacular Now

021 spectaular now

THIS is how you make a potentially dumb teen movie and turn it into something actually worthwhile.

Grade:  B

Original Review HERE

 

20.  Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues

020 anchorman 2

It’s hard to replicate the magic of the first one, but it won me over with bits like Ron going blind and the ballad of his pet shark.

Grade:  B

Original Review HERE

 

19.  Gideon’s Army

019 gideons army

A good documentary to watch if you really want to get mad about the American justice system.

Grade:  B

Original Review HERE

 

18.  Hunger Games: Catching Fire

018 hunger games 2

It’s funny to look at a movie like this, and then look at a movie like American Hustle, and realize they star the same actress.

Grade:  B

Original Review HERE

 

17.  The Act of Killing

017 the act of killing

Enjoy your uncomfortable laughs, weirdos.  This will probably win the Best Documentary Academy Award.

Grade:  B+

Original Review HERE

 

16.  Monsters University

016 monsters university

I thought it was funnier than Monsters Inc.  Like, *much* funnier.

Grade:  B+

Original Review HERE

 

15.  The Way, Way Back

la_ca_0415_the_way_way_back

Sam Rockwell being awesome?  Some kid learning life lessons over summer vacation?  Steve Carrell NOT hamming it up?  I’LL BUY THAT FOR A DOLLAR.

Grade:  B+

Original Review HERE

 

14.  A Band Called Death

014 a band called death

It maybe had less impact that Searching for Sugar Man, but it had the same spirit.  The music ain’t terrible either.  Maybe the dude should have just changed the name of their band and had more success?

Grade:  B+

Original Review HERE

 

13.  Iron Man 3

013 iron man 3

Not bad for the third movie in a comic book trilogy following up a kind of crappy second movie.  Still hate Guy Pearce, though.

Grade:  B+

Original Review HERE

 

12.  The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

012 desolation of smaug

I probably would have sat there for 30 more minutes and just watched them finish the Smaug portion of the plot…

Grade:  B+

Original Review HERE

 

11.  Dallas Buyers Club

filmz.ru

Despite the fact that this was probably his best acting performance ever, I still can’t help but mention McConaughey’s shirtlessness every chance I get.  It’s WHO he IS.

Grade:  B+

Original Review HERE

 

10.  The Place Beyond the Pines

010 place beyond the pines

The first two-thirds are exceptionally great, and the last third is, like, kinda decent I guess, in the scheme of things.  Was this the year of Bradley Cooper?

Grade:  B+

Original Review HERE

 

9.  Side Effects

009 side effects

Maybe the most underrated film of 2013?  Did anyone else even watch this?  It’s a pretty solid thriller from Dean Pelton look-a-like Steven Soderbergh.

Grade:  B+

Original Review HERE

 

8.  It’s a Disaster

008 its a distaster

You’re not going to find a better movie about brunch.

Grade:  A-

Original Review HERE

 

7.  The Crash Reel

007 the crash reel

“Snowboarding documentary” doesn’t really top my list of things I’d be breaking down doors to see, but then I actually sat down and watched it, and it was an incredibly emotional story of loss, family, and Shaun White hating.

Grade:  A

Original Review HERE

 

6.  Gravity

006 gravity

I haven’t been able to see it a second time yet at home (because it’s not out yet on Blu-ray), but it was one hell of an IMAX 3D experience.

Grade:  A

Original Review HERE

 

5.  American Hustle

005 american hustle

I’m a little surprised this didn’t end up being my favorite movie of the year, but 5th ain’t bad.  Let’s just praise our science ovens that it wasn’t surprisingly crappy.

Grade:  A

Original Review HERE

 

4.  The Wolf of Wall Street

004 wold of wall street

I just saw this a couple of days ago, and I’ll have a real review later this week when I have time to write it, but the movie was awesome.

Grade:  A

Original Review N/A

 

3.  This is the End

1170481 - This Is The End

I don’t think I laughed more at any other movie this year.  The increasingly insane premise leading to one of the wildest third acts in any movie in the last several years made this one that I plan on watching on a whole bunch of repeat viewings.  So screw you.  I’ll jizz wherever I want!

Grade:  A+

Original Review HERE

 

2.  Blackfish

002 blackfish

A character study of a killer whale.  A Character Study Of A Killer Whale.  A CHARACTER STUDY OF A KILLER WHALE.

Grade:  A+

Original Review HERE

 

1.  The World’s End

001 worlds end

When it came down to it, The World’s End is just the deepest film I saw in 2013.  And not just for a comedy, which often don’t go very deep, but the level of detail and character development surpassed most drama films from this year as well.  And it was god damn hilarious.  I’ve seen it more times than any other film this year.  It’s a fitting end to the Cornetto Trilogy, and also this list.  Now have a happy new year, and let’s boo-boo!

Grade:  A+

Original Review HERE

 

My 2014 new year’s resolution is to not watch anything with Michelle Rodriguez in it.

2 thoughts on “The 107 Films I’ve Seen From 2013

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