Lazy Movie Review: Pompeii

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Premise:  “OK, let’s do a crappy Gladiator-esk knock off for the first hour… Wait, scratch that…  Let’s just flat-out copy Gladiator scene for scene, but again, crappier; and then for the last thirty minutes, let’s add a volcano.  Here’s $100 million to play with, Paul W.S. Anderson.”  -Some stupid movie producer.

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Movie Review: Gunday

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I live in what you could call a heavily Indian populated area of suburban Chicago, and our local movie theaters are nice enough to cater to that.  At any given time, there’s two or three screens devoted to Indian films.  Now, I consider myself someone who watches a *lot* of movies, and I’m a little ashamed to admit that one genre that I’ve never even attempted to sit through is Bollywood, which is one of the largest producers of film in the world.  I’ve always planned on going to one of these movies for years, and finally, I followed through this weekend.  The result was…  “Uhhhhhh…  Whoa…

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Lazy Movie Review: Robocop 2014

Robocop-2014

Premise:  In a reboot no one really asked for, a young police officer (played the guy from The Killing) gets blown up in his driveway over some petty bickering with some stereotypically crooked cops, and he gets rebuilt…  into…  JOHNNY-5.  I mean…  ROBOCOP.  Now, with the help of a possibly evil corporation that still does a lot of great work providing artificial limbs to wounded veterans, he gets put on the streets of Detroit to show the world that robots should be our true overlords, and we need to line the pockets of Michael Keaton’s corporate sport coat with million dollar bills.  And even though Detroit isn’t the post-apocalyptic wasteland of mutants and colorful bike gangs we all wished it to be…  he still, ya know…  cleans up a good amount crime or whatever.  But what about his family?  WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?  Well, he must battle his doughy insides with the shiny metal exterior that’s holding them in, to regain his own humanity, or else his kid may never get to experience what it would be like to play catch with a robot dad who could now probably throw the baseball 215 MPH at his face.

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Movie Review: Frozen

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You’d be surprised how hard it is to find a screenshot from this movie that *isn’t* the snowman.

I think I experienced Frozen in the best way possible at the theaters; almost three months after it came out, on a Tuesday at 10 pm.  In other words, there were no annoying kids there.  In fact, there was nobody else there.  I think I’m of the age (29) and appearance (slobbenly and with beard) that no one would understand why I was watching this children’s film, so I’m glad no one was there to judge.

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