Lazy Movie Review: The Quiet Ones

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Premise:  In 1970s Britain, a professor of abnormal psychology is conducting experiments on a girl who he believes has telekinetic powers and/or may have a ghost friend.  The film mainly takes the perspective of a cameraman he hires to capture footage of the deranged girl, but the guy has a conscience about the whole thing and sort of falls in love with the test subject and whatever and blah, blah, blah.

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Movie Review: The Raid 2

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As an enthusiast of the “single guy runs into a building and wreaks havoc on all his foes” genre, I was very happy to see that The Raid 2 actually came to theaters out in suburbia.  Apparently, so was a 70-year-old married couple, because they were also in the theater and didn’t even leave at the first sign of a guy’s leg twisting the wrong direction.  I hope when I’m that old I’ll still be into shit like this.

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Movie Review: Oculus

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The first question I had right after the movie was over was “What the hell does Oculus mean?”, a question I didn’t get answered until 30 seconds ago when I looked up the definition on the internet.  “A round or eyelike opening or design, in particular.”  Hmmm, the haunted mirror portal in the movie seemed more like a rectangle to me…  Maybe had two rounded edges.  More like a cylinder than anything.  Probably should have been called Slight Oculus.  But I’m a kind of a stickler for horror movie geometry.  [sips Merlot with pinky extended]

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Movie Review:: Captain America: The Winter Soldier

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Not to take away from the film itself, but my favorite moment during my screening of Winter Soldier came from the audience.   I actually went and saw this on Saturday night, which I rarely do.  As anticipated, I had to sit next to a stranger, and not once, but *twice*, I had to smell someone else’s fart waft past my face.  I’ll be going back to my 11 am screenings next time, when everyone sits 15 seats away from each other, thank you very much.  Anyway, during the villain’s first real appearance, immediately after he blows up a car and the film goes dramatically silent for a few seconds; about three rows behind me a (possibly ponytailed, possibly unwashed) nerd said in a slightly above regular volume voice to (I assume) either his naive girlfriend or possibly disappointed mother with all the plugged-nose, smarmy gravitas you’d expect to hear at a Magic: The Gathering tournament…  “THAT’S the Winter Soldieeeerrrrr.”  I wanted to bottle that moment up and store it away until it ages to perfection, popping the cork in 2025 when Avengers 7: The Return of Bucky comes out so I can savor those saccharine, contemptuous flavors for just one more glorious day.

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Lazy Movie Review: Bad Words

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Premise:  Jason Bateman plays out of character (the overworked white-collar dad-type) and goes with his more vulgar personality in his directorial debut about a 40-year-old man who uses a loophole to get his way into a national spelling bee championship for children.  CAN YOU SPELL TRUOBALL?!  Trubal?  Tro-baale?  I guess I can’t…

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Lazy Movie Review: Noah

Russell Crowe as Noah

Premise:  As Noah descends the mountain on a solid gold unicorn, trying to outrun a tidal wave with god’s face embedded in it, he pulls the reigns and abruptly turns towards the water right as god’s wave mouth is about to wrap around his body.  Noah stabs upward with his glowing Methusela fire sword with an unfathomable amount of blind faith.  At the foothill of the mountain, Hermione frees herself from the clutches of the three-headed minotaur, exhaustedly points her wand at the holy destruction and shouts “Glacius!”  All of the sudden, the wave turns to ice, and its weight falls upon Noah’s sword, causing it to shatter into a trillion pieces, leaving Noah unharmed.  The triumphant soundtrack blares as two of every animal parade out of the arc, each giving a subtle nod to Noah as they pass by; with a grizzly bear stopping for a moment to say in a comically deep Lousiana accent “Thank you fo stoppin that there flood, Noah!  Naw you make sure ta visit mah creole ressaraunt in Nawlins, ya hear!” Noah gives but a brief smile, “Of course I will, Brother Delacroix.”  ROLL CREDITS.  I don’t think any of that actually happened in the movie, but, ya know…  WHATEVER.  I guess my screenplays aren’t good enough for Hollywood.

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