I’m back with another Rental Roundup, where I give short reviews of a few movies that are available for convenient home viewing on most streaming and disc rental services. i.e. crap I didn’t want to see in theaters and/or pay money for.
After you endure a frighteningly weird montage of Stallone and De Niro being CGI youthified (?), a simplistic film about two elderly boxers starts to unfold, where one of them (Stallone) is the poor guy with dignity whose name is literally Razor Sharp, and the other (De Niro) is the rich sell out guy who has a family that doesn’t like him. I’m gonna be honest, I watched this movie kind of late at night, and I had to turn on the subtitles after a few minutes in order to understand Stallone’s dialogue on a medium TV volume.
I guess I compliment the movie on having two fairly different protagonists and made me care about both of them (as much as this movie could make me care). That is, until the characters start doing ludicrously stupid things like leaving an 8-year-old alone at a bar for an hour.
Watching Kevin Hart tell bad jokes the whole movie is hard to swallow, though. He says the term “white people” at least 15 times, if you want to know the caliber of the jokes. I recently almost watched Ride Along for a joke review, and this little taste of Hart made me happy for deciding against that decision. But to be fair, Alan Arkin’s unfiltered old guy jokes are equally as eye-rolling. So you can imagine how hard it was for me not to turn off the TV when Arkin calls Kevin Hart “Webster”, and Hart asks Arkin “what was was like to meet Jesus?” But nobody really expects intentional comedy in a Stallone picture anyway, right?
All in all, though, it’s not an awful movie. It’s mindless, generic storytelling. A movie for old people to watch on movie night. But you will have to suspend disbelief the whole time that a leathery, ripped Stallone wouldn’t just beat the living crap out of hunched over grandpa De Niro. No way that would have been a close fight.
6 out of 10
Knights of Badassdom
This movie chronicles a group of LARPers who purchase a spell book on eBay, and cast a spell that causes a demon to infiltrate their group LARP, and all of a sudden they are fighting real monsters and such… YOU GET THE IDEA. The film stars Peter Dinklage as a stoner, the guy who played Sookie’s brother on True Blood as some sort of nu-metal pretty boy, Steve Zahn as “Whoa, What’s Steve Zahn Been Up To?” Guy, and Summer Glau as the eye candy girl-nerd warrior who doesn’t have many lines or personality, but we’re all supposed to care about her because she was on Firefly or something?
This movie must have had some weird stuff going on in the production and marketing level. It was shot all the way back in 2010, and is just now getting released. But as I was watching it, I kind of understood the concern a higher up could have had with what was going on. The film has a sort of a… I wouldn’t call it amateurish… but kind of an unexperienced sense of filmmaking. Shots sort of go on a little too long, and there were a lot of dumb jokes that should have been cut from the film as well. Not a lot of restraint was used. If I had to give a compliment to the production, they chose to do a lot of practical effects and old school gore kind of stuff. The final monster at the end of the movie was a pretty nice (for what it was) giant polyfoam and latex monster. See how I used the word polyfoam? I watch Face Off and Jim Henson’s Creature Shop Challenge good.
Overall, though, I wouldn’t recommend Knights of Badassdom. It’s sloppy, the script is stupid, and there isn’t much of a point to it. It’s like they took all the LARPing scenes from Role Models and made them much stupider. A lot of it being successful banks on how much you appreciate imagery of Peter Dinklage getting high on mushrooms and swinging a foam sword around. Yes, that’s kind of awesome, but a good feature-length movie that does not make.
4.5 out of 10
I think this is Tyler Perry’s Peeples, or Tyler Perry Presents Meet the Peeples? I don’t really know or care. Daryl from The Office is dating Kerry Washington, and despite being so far in their relationship that he plans to ask her to marry him, he has never met her parents. More so, she’s quietly embarrassed of him (even though he he’s a nice, funny guy with a successful career as a children’s singer) and hasn’t ever told her parents that Daryl exists. Do you think that Kerry’s dad (David Alan Greer) is a hard-ass control freak? YOU BETCHA. He’s a judge. Expect plenty of sexual misunderstandings, financial misunderstandings, drug misunderstandings, misunderstanding misunderstandings, and misundisterunderandingerings. But there was a surprising lack of fart and poop jokes. I was *shocked* not to see a scene where Kerry Washington’s mom makes a smelly bowel movement and Daryl goes in after her. *IS* this a Tyler Perry production? (watches a guy dance in wig for three minutes) Oh, why yes it is.
There were so many times during this movie that I was literally yelling at the TV for Daryl to just turn around and go home. It’s kind of sad on may part that I got so invested in such a worthless movie, but I hate watched the crap out of Peeples. Did I laugh once? No. Even chuckle? No, I didn’t do that either. Is this an awful movie? Yes. Do I have anything else to say? No.
2.5 out of 10
The Big Wedding
Hilarity ensues as the adopted son of a divorced man who is now dating a new woman has to pretend to stay married to his ex-wife so that the adopted son’s long-lost religious mother doesn’t frown at the thought of divorce while the divorced man’s biological son is trying to have sex with the adopted son’s biological sister all during a wedding weekend when the biological son’s biological sister finds out she’s pregnant. I mean, holy crap, how can a movie made for such dumb freakinging people be so god damn complicated? The Usual Suspects has a less complex plot.
Anyway, this was an awful movie with that co-starred Katherine Heigl and Topher Grace. You should avoid it. Also, why was it called The Big Wedding? Only like 50 people showed up, and they held it in their parent’s backyard. As someone who is currently planning for a wedding, I am disgustingly envious of how little money they probably had to pay. FAKE.
3 out of 10
I literally had no idea what this movie was about, and decided to play it on a whim from Amazon Prime because it was next to The Big Wedding on the free movie list. I just assumed it was going to be a generic baseball movie.
Home Run is about Cory, a major league baseball player, who is such an alcoholic that he gets plastered during games. This all stems from a flashback sequence when his drunken father throws an impressive 19 strikes on Cory in a single inning of backyard baseball. They literally show all 19 strikes, it’s kind of awesome. I was hoping the entire movie would be his dad counting hundreds of strikes out loud as his son felt severe shame. But one day, adult Cory accidentally uppercuts a ball boy in drunken rage (not joking), and the judge sentences him to coach a little league team (what?) in his brother’s home town. It was kind of like a non-comedy version of Eastbound and Down. He has a tough battle midway through the film with his hotel mini fridge that was filled with GIANT bottles of liquor. They have a 15-second on-screen staring contest. Kenmore mini fridges are scary villains, you guys.
I didn’t understand the agenda of this movie throughout most of it. My fiance and I were taking bets on whether or not this was a secret Christian film, or just a family movie about kids winning the tourney championship with their delightfully sobering coach. It’s not until the last scene of the movie that they finally let out the big guns, when Cory cries at an AA meeting and professes his undying love for god. Then in the credits, it was just a bunch of people holding signs that said nice things about god. And that’s the story of how I watched a baseball movie with religious undertones on the internet.
5 out of 10