Let me preface this review by telling you about the group of four of the dumbest people I’ve ever encountered. We saw this movie at 10:30 pm on a Wednesday night, and there were about ten or so people in the theater, which is what I expected. We sat in my favorite place to sit (front row of the back section, so I can put my feet up on the railing), and halfway through the second trailer, in stumbled the dumb dumbs. And when I say they were stupid, I’m not just making some judgemental comment because I didn’t like them, I’m giving you a rock solid fact that they were legitimately low in IQ. Like, I’m surprised they were able to drive to the theater without crashing because they couldn’t understand the concepts of yellow and red street lights.
They sat directly behind me and my fiance, despite the fact that there was a good five rows of seats behind us that were completely empty. So, at a screening where only about fifteen total people ended up showing up, I managed to have a girl who kicked my seat twelve times sit right behind me. They talked at normal speaking volume the entire film, and at one point during one of the loud party scenes, they literally started shouting conversation at each other because they constantly felt the need to be louder than the movie. Their commentary was more important than the film, you see. And boy, was their commentary great. I loved how they repeated jokes from the movie directly after they happened. It’s as if *they* wrote them! I’m surprised Lorne Michaels hasn’t discovered their talent yet. Here are my top five favorite things I heard from them over the course of an hour and forty minutes:
5. After the trailer for A Million Ways to Die in the West (the Seth MacFarlane movie), the dumb guy in the group (three dumb ladies, one dumb guy), said “that’s looks fucking amaaaaaaaaazing.” But what made it funny was the way he talked in general. The kind of dumb, sludged-out monotone drawl that can only come out of someone who was vaguely attractive and sexually active their whole life to the point where they failed to actually develop a personality. The kind of guy that an ugly person might be jealous of, until they hear him talk and they realize that he’s basically a hollowed out shell of a person who runs entirely on the tip of his penis. A kind of functioning level of emptiness that is usually reserved for really smart dogs, or those robotic machines in factories that are really good at doing one task all day long, like screwing on milk carton caps. I wouldn’t be surprised if he wakes up every morning and has to spend a few minutes remembering that he’s a human who exists. But he’s basically what the concept of typing in all lowercase italics was made for.
4. I’m 99% sure that dumb guy had a phone conversation during the movie. Because for about two minutes it was only him talking and no one else responding, followed 30 seconds of silence, then he started interacting with the girls next to him again. But I am 100% sure that the last thing he said in the phone conversation was “mix it uuuuuuup.” Like that’s how he said goodbye. And now I feel like that’s how *I* need to say goodbye for the rest of my life.
3. After a character calls another a profane nickname, dumb guy (in his classic low drawl) says “haaaa. jizzfaaaaaace. that’s a goooood one. i need to remember that oooooone. hmmmmnn hmmmmmnnn hmmmmnnn.” I almost turned around and smiled at Low Brain Cell McConaughey.
2. Upon having a full conversation about getting popcorn during the third act of the film (it was now at least midnight), the dumb guy told the lead dumb girl to go get popcorn if she really wanted it. Because she really wanted it. Because she was hungry. And she wanted food for her hunger. That food being popcorn. These are all facts I heard clearly and a nice volume, because they are important things for everyone else in the theater to know. She went to the concession stand, which wasn’t open because it was midnight, and then stormed back into the theater (literally stomping like a grumpy toddler), and sat down and *yelled* “THEY ARE FUCKING CLOSED. I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE IT.” To which dumb guy drawled “whaaaaaaat. I don’t beliiiiiieve it. This is bulllllllllllshit.” Gosh, I don’t want to imagine how they reacted when they (most likely) attempted to open the doors to Olive Garden at 4 AM and couldn’t get in. “WHY ARE THE LIGHTS OFF? I’M FUCKING HUNGRY.” “i don’t know baaaaaabe. it should be open so we can eaaaaaaat. hungry i am as well. food for stomach need. when i put food in there, i get not hungry too. why no door open i know not why not open.” (circuits explode out of the top of his head)
1. In the silent period of time between the last trailer and the movie actually starting; the lead dumb girl burped, loudly, and then proceeded to laugh hysterically at her own burp and *clap*. She’s laughing at her own basic body functions now. Like when you’re five years old and you realize you can make fart noises in your armpit. But the clapping made me assume that this is the kind of person you could give a red balloon to, and she’ll be set on entertainment for the remainder of the day. She doesn’t need Seth Rogen’s well-timed jokes to amuse her if her own burp will set her off like that. I bet if I dangled my car keys in front of her face and moved them towards a wall, she would run into it and knock herself out.
Ok, let’s just be honest with each other, I was planning on writing a fully fleshed out review before I went into the theater, and then those jabronis showed up and now all I felt like doing was venting about them. Then I realized that they were just like the frat in the film; obtrusively forcing their way next to us, disturbing the peace, no concern for the normal people around them. There was nothing we could do. If we moved, they would have noticed us getting up for one thing; probably laugh at us. And where were we to go? 10 seats over? They still would have been within an earshot. If I turned around and shooshed them, that would have been disastrous. It was like art imitating life. Or life imitating art? I don’t really feel like wrapping my brain around that one. Man, I’m tired.
So yeah, the movie Neighbors was alright.
7 out of 10