Lazy Movie Review:: X-Men: Days of Future Past


Premise:  Upon receiving a mysterious piece of mail post dated in 1885 from Doc X, Wolverine must travel back in time in order to save his mentor from being shot to death by Juggernaut in a wild west town.  See how I went for the much stupider Back to the Future 3 joke instead of the obvious Back to the Future 1 joke that everyone else is making?  I could have easily said this movie was about Wolverine traveling back in time to ensure that Professor X and Magneto fall in love at the Under the Sea dance, or else Cyclops and Jean Grey will vanish from the Polaroid he’s holding.  But I didn’t.  WE DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY AROUND HERE.


-That slow motion Quicksilver scene was not only the best scene in the movie, but will probably end up being one of my favorite scenes of *any* movie this year.  It was one of those perfectly executed moments, with a great beginning, middle, and end; that had a perfect mix of legitimately great comedy and pretty freakin awesome special effects.  Also, Jim Croce’s “Time in a Bottle”?  That’s some subtle music selection humor right there.

-There hasn’t been a better storyline for an X-Men film since X2.  Even as far as all superhero movies go, Days of Future Past was about as complex as anything I’ve seen (excluding maybe Watchmen).  Think about something like The Amazing Spider-Man 2, and then attempt to break down the significant plot points in comparison to X-Men Sequel Prequel 2.  It’s almost laughable how casually nothing can happen in a lot of superhero movies.  But yeah, I really enjoyed the multiple timeline storytelling going on in this movie.  Also, someone wrote a screenplay in which Assbender destroys an entire baseball stadium, so that get’s extra points in my book.

-Everyone knows the action in X-Men works best when a bunch of different mutants are doing a bunch of different mutant things.  So when the frog guy is hitting people with his giant tongue while tattoo guy is making people puke in the corner while spike head guy is doing his spike head guy thing, it’s all super fun.  Same goes double for portal throwing girl throwing things while Iceman and Pyro do their contrasting elemental damage.  Fire and Ice was always Robert Frost’s most badass poem about the X-Men.

-I thought it was pretty interesting/hilarious that in a movie where Jennifer Lawrence is walking around practically naked with a thin layer of blue body paint on, the only actual nudity we’re subjected to is Hugh Jackman’s butt.

-Apocalypse’s post-credits scene was pretty radical, you guys.



-There’s always things to nitpick when it comes to time travel films.  I mean, if you really think about it, time travel doesn’t even make sense.  If something happens in the past, then why would it have to happen in some kind of real time for it to occur in the future?  Like, why would there have to be an event happening in the past that momentarily effects anything in the future?  Once someone is sent back in time, wouldn’t the past immediately correct the future?  Or would it actually- …You know what…?  Why don’t you just sit back and enjoy the movie?  When did you become so dead inside?  Is your mutant power being a fucking downer?

-Hey, where’s Rogue?  Did Rogue die?  Is Anna Paquin too big for X-Men now?  She’s only on that shitty True Blood show.  Even Jean Grey is in this story, and she died like 4 movies ago.  True Blood hasn’t even been good since season 4.  Hey, where’s Rogue?

-Peter Dinklage is underused, not just in terms of screen time, but also in terms of any kind of gravitas or emotion.  He’s just kinda there.  And as I learned from Knights of Badassdom, having Peter Dinklage just *be there* isn’t good enough.

-The sentinels looked kinda like small versions of the robot from Thor.  But with less annoying sounds.

-Could have used a little less Cyclops.  YEAH, I KNOW HE WAS ONLY IN IT FOR 15 SECONDS.


Final Thoughts:  I think I may have to have Ellen Page do her time travel powers on me so I can go back about eight years to the last time I saw X2, so I can ask myself if I liked Days of Future Past More than the original sequel.  For now, I guess I’ll say they’re about tied.  My mutant power is drastic uncertainty!

And with that, I give you the definitive, yet completely subjective ranking of the X-Men movies!

1/2.  The one where they meet Nightcrawler / The one with time travel

3.  The one where they join forces in the 1960s

4.  Wolverine’s Japanese Super Happy Fun Time Movie

5.  The first one

6.  The one where Brett Ratner screwed up the Phoenix saga

7.  The one where Wolverine gets metal claws and jumps off a motorcycle onto a helicopter while screaming loudly

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