While I’m well aware that I’m part of the problem by giving Michael Bay $8 towards a $100 bill he will eventually use to wipe his butt with, I’m still curious as to what the motivation is for enough people to go see Transformers to earn it $301 million worldwide? How many are truly fans of the series? How many just wanted to kill some time at a summer blockbuster? How many have some secret sexual fetish for sarcastic robots with human accents? My excuse is a combination of morbid curiosity to see what visual highs/comedic lows this franchise can go to, and an almost torturous obligation to myself to see as many high-profile films in theaters as I can, despite every sign telling me to save my money and stay home. This is the same sickness that will have me groaning through Melissa McCarthy’s Tammy at some point in the next week. And I actually kind of want to see Deliver Us From Evil…? What is wrong with me…?
I’ve seen three movies in theaters over the last 10 days, but I’ve been so busy lately that rather than give them their own little reviews, I’ll just mash them into one review and compare them as if they deserve to be compared to each other.
Premise: Tom Cruise gets infused with a special ability to re-live the same day over and over again until he gets un-specialed (?), and slowly but surely figures out some strategies for success against an alien armada. Sadly, he also has to take the same post-Chipotle diarrhea every morning at 7:52 AM. There’s no avoiding it. And he ordered extra extra hot sauce the night before. It totally sucks for him. Every time.
I wasn’t keeping tabs, but here’s my best guess at the tally of the jokes from this film… Twelve boner jokes, seven poop jokes, two pee jokes, five unexpected celebrity cameos, six random cutaway jokes, five kick in the groin jokes, and about seven people-falling-down-to-end-a-scene-with-a-laugh jokes.. Probably about equal to what I was expecting in a Seth MacFarlane movie. At one point, as the characters entered a barn dance, I got up and slowly walked to the bathroom (wasn’t in much of a hurry to get back), and upon re-entering the theater, I caught the last 10 seconds of what appeared to be a classic MacFarlane forced song and dance number where everyone was singing about mustaches. Just people singing “Mustache!” “Mustache!” over and over again. Sorry I missed the genesis of that gem of a sequence…