Lazy Movie Review: Deliver Us From Evil

evil has been delivered

Premise:  A special ops cop from New York teams up with a ex-junkie priest, packing only their deadly firearms and even deadlier rosary beads, on the lookout for some demonic bad guys to pistol whip back to hell…  Don’t even *TRY* to badmouth the Yankees around these guys, or they’ll get old testament on yo’ ass.  If there’s two things they love, it’s New York City and doing god’s bidding.  You mess with either of those things, and you’ll be prayin’ for some eternal damnation after what they gonna do to ya!  (OK, now take all of that, and bring it down like 5 notches, and you’ll have Deliver Us From Evil)

 

Pros:

-Did you guys know Joel McHale is a supporting character in this?  Did you know he has a ton of tattoos in this?  Did you know he plays a trained knife fighter who *also* like eating apple slices with a knife in this?  Did you know he wears an Alice in Chains t-shirt in no less than three scenes in this?  No?  Yeah, these are all things they should have touched upon in the marketing, I know.

-Eric Bana is a rather hit or miss guy for me.  In this he is completely serviceable.  But you probably could have swapped him out with Hugh Jackman or Jason Statham and you’d have the same movie.  Bana is good at holding flashlights like a cop in this movie, though.  He’s like Juilliard-trained good at holding cop flashlights.

-There’s an extended sequence that takes place at the Bronx Zoo that I thought was pretty cool.  Both for never having seen the Bronx Zoo before, and also as a unique setting for a crime.

-Above average possessed-people makeup.

-The final exorcism scene…  Pretty good…  Preeeettaaaaaayyyy… Preeettaaaaaaaaaaaaaay… Prettaaaaaaaaay… Prettaaay good.

-Whoa, there wasn’t a twist ending or demon lunging at the camera in the last 15 seconds of the film?  You mean, like, this was a horror movie with…  …CLOSURE…?  (mind blown)  WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE SEQUELS?  WE DON’T HAVE ENOUGH HORROR MOVIE SEQUELS.

-The stuffed owl in this movie is the greatest screen presence of 2014.  Why the movie studio hasn’t manufactured this toy is baffling to me.  I would pay upwards to $15 to be able to hear “Aaa Aaa Hoooo” whenever I wanted.

 

Cons:

-You can’t really fault a horror film for using jump scares too much anymore (that’s the lifeblood of modern horror), but when the scare is merely a random hissing cat that comes out of nowhere, I kinda draw the line.  Keep the scares legit.  No random cats, please.

-The movie is a valiant *attempt* at making a genre blending mix of crime scene cop action and creepy gross-out horror.  But Se7en kind of perfected that almost 20 years ago, and did it without all the supernatural mumbo jumbo.  This ain’t no Se7en.  This could have used a little overall fine tuning.

-The police work in this film is laughably and noticeably bad at times, to a point that it distracts from the story.  Like, a woman commits a crime at the zoo, the cops know they are looking for another suspect, but it takes them like three days to actually watch the zoo surveillance footage that shows the woman and the other suspect communicating with each other right before the crime.  Then when they find out the other suspect’s name, there’s like three or four scenes that pass before they decide to check his police record and notice that it lists his (correct) current address, and then go over there.  Aren’t these like the immediate follow-up kind of things you’re supposed to do with crimes?  And it’s so weird because they make sure to show as much detail of the police work as possible, only way later than they should have.

-(talking to deranged zombie-like woman in psychiatric hospital prison cell) (sticks entire arm through the cell bars to show her a picture on his cell phone) (doesn’t think anything will go wrong)

-“Inspired by True Events”, which is why 100% of the world knows demonic possession is real and an absolute fact.  I mean, they’re true events, right?!

-Of course the demon originated from Iraq…  THANKS OBAMA.

 

Final Thoughts:  I was pretty entertained through 90% of this.  There were a couple of scenes of Bana’s family life that slowed things down a bit, but never to fall asleep levels or anything.  It’s a watchable movie if paranormal investigating kinda stuff is your pleasure.  And because I had nowhere else to put it, here’s my terrible quality stand-up joke of the day…  Deliver Us From Evil?  I didn’t know Domino’s was making a movie about their Memphis BBQ Chicken Pizza?  OOOOOOOooooooooh!   [crowd boos] [giant cane pulls me off stage]

6.5 out of 10

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