Just like when those two Scarlett Johansson sci-fi movies came out around the same time to confuse you, Hollywood has dumped two almost completely unneccessary sequels on your lap in the same month: Sin City 2 and Expendables 3. So I thought I’d help you out with another FAQ to better understand what you’re looking for before you (probably don’t) go see either of these movies.
Premise: In a movie that I saw five days ago yet can barely remember anything about it; two guys (Jake Johnson and Damon Wayans Jr) dress up as cops for a party, and then when they leave the party they notice everyone thinks they’re cops, so they say “Let’s Be Cops” and now they are pretending to be cops. Then they get caught up in a big investigation with dangerous people, so they actually have to do real police work while just pretending to be police. Is this making sense to you yet? They’re not cops, but they are pretending. That’s not just the premise of the movie; it’s also the name of it. Two normal guys. They are fake cops. Let’s Be Cops. [coughs gently into hand]
Premise: The Ninja Turtles are back! And so are weird expectations and nostalgic disappointment; two of the worst villains the Turtles have ever had to fight. They don’t even wear costumes.
Premise: Twister ‘14 but with no Helen Hunt and worse camera work! Same villain though: that dastardly Wind! Boy, do I hate wind. Always drying my eyes out when I have my car windows down, or almost knocking my hat off when I’m walking somewhere… And also occasionally destroying a town completely, while ruining hundreds of peoples’ lives in the process, for seemingly no reason. BUT ALSO THE HAT THING.
Between the imaginative “pew pew pew” laser battles of Guardians of the Galaxy last week, the constant reminders of most of our awkward childhood moments in Boyhood this week, and the nostalgia alarm going off full force with Ninja Turtles next week, it appears as if Hollywood is aggressively targeting 18-35 year olds like we’re part of a demographic or something…? Listen man, we’re not part of your system! [hangs up Guardians of the Galaxy poster] You can’t just like, think we’ll go spend money on all this crap because they remind us of fun things from our childhoods! [downloads Super Punch-Out on Wii-U Virtual Console] We’re like, actual people, man! Not just a generic group of sheep like you business fat cats think we are…! [uses Michelangelo bath pouf, an item I actually spent $2 on at Wal-Mart for some reason] We’re not a hive mind of pointless references! [quotes Simpsons jokes on nearly every comment thread I come across]
Quick theater story before I get into the review… I went to a 10 pm screening last night (the new midnight show I guess), and it was pretty full, and this group of five 20-something dorks were sitting in the same row as us on the other side. The worst of them was irritatingly loud. The kind of loud that before the trailers started everyone in the theater was just listening to him talk. One of those annoying people whose range of volume varies from yelling to shouting. Nothing but cynical dribble about what’s wrong with this comic book movie, or what he noticed about that TV show. He had to make sure everyone heard him because his obnoxious opinions and dumb jokes were so important. Once the trailers started, he began shouting over them because he had to compete with the volume of the screen now, you see. When the first trailer ended, and he was still yammering on about something, his friend started joking “You’re so loud, man. So loud!” And some irritated bro about four rows behind us goes, “Yeah, he really is.”
Then for two more trailers he kept dork-shouting things, with every bit of silence filled with brief blips of annoyance, “WELL TWO CHARACTERS WERE” or “IN THE CARTOON HE WAS MORE OF” or “I’M PLANNING ON GOING TO”. I consider myself to be a nerd (at least of the pop-culture variety), but this guy had me wanting to book him in the hallway and give him an atomic wedgie. Finally, after the “put on your 3D glasses” message came up and the next trailer started, and he shouted *the* lamest joke possible: “THE LETTERS ARE COMING RIGHT AT ME!” That same irritated bro four rows back then shouted “If your friend doesn’t shut the f*** up, we’re gonna beat all of your asses in the parking lot!” It was a gloriously deserved moment. I, and many other people in the theater laughed out loud. And the dork never said another word until the movie was over. I don’t think I would have condoned them actually getting beat up over their friend being loud during the pre-movie and trailers, but if it *did* happen, I probably would have just shrugged and nodded approvingly.
I caught a glimpse of the magnificent beast as we were exiting the theater, when he went back to shouting references at his friends who were two feet away from him, “APOCALYPSE APPEARED AT THE END OF X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST, THIS ENDING SCENE WAS”, and oh he was a sight to behold. He must have been at least 6’7″, a curly, unkempt brown collection of near-afro-ish nerd curls, blank-yet-dopey face, and the creme de la creme; a My Little Pony t-shirt, which he chose to wear in public, unironically. It was like a near perfect visualization of how I wanted him to look. The only thing missing was the Cheeto fingers.
Well, now that I’ve wasted 500 words talking about some sad lummox, maybe I should move on to Guardians of the Galaxy, which actually made me feel incredibly happy?