At a time when odd gimmicks with one sentence premises roam free at the theaters, I was still kinda shocked when Universal Pictures decided to release a gritty cop drama about Liam Neeson trying to figure out which frozen pizza he’d like eat for dinner. It’s a bold move, and frankly, it paid off with some bold cinema. Maybe not as bold as a Tombstone Double Top 4 Meat Pizza, but pretty bold nonetheless.
Premise: Kevin Smith made a movie about a man who turns another man into a walrus. I’m… …I’m not sure if I need to add more to this premise…?
I’ve been working a really hectic 10 day editing job which has consumed my life as of late, but I finally had a break in the action and decided to spend it doing what I do best: sitting down in a movie theater (it’s quite the skill). I actually haven’t been to the theater in about two weeks, as I didn’t see anything last weekend because nothing at all seemed remotely appealing.
Sooooo, let’s see what’s on the ole’ Fandango app for tonight… [makes disgusted and disappointed frown] Ewww, what is the deal with September 2014? Is this the worst month for movie releases in the history of time? God damn, did anything new even come out?
…OK, well, I have an almost addiction-like craving to go see a movie, so I’ll check out No Good Deed, I guess. Despite it apparently being #1 at the box office this week, I have no idea what it’s about, and I’ve never heard of it. I’ve seen no marketing, trailers, or commercials for it, and I didn’t even glance at the plot synopsis. The only thing I know about it is what the poster they have next to the showtime on the Fandango app looks like. And I’m going to keep it that way. I’m gonna have some fun and see if I can guess what this movie is about, based solely on this poster, and then report back afterwords and see how close I was.
Premise: A historian/alchemist named Scarlett (Perdita Weeks) is trying to finish her dead father’s work of finding Nicholas Flamel’s tomb in the catacombs under France and locating the Philosopher’s Stone. Wait, what is this, Harry Potter? No? Ok. While searching for the Stone underground, her friend Ron gets injured in a life-sized chess match, then she fights a basilisk and stabs Tom Riddle’s diary with a tooth. Gryffindor then got 150 extra points in the house cup because Harry made a kick ass grilled cheese sandwich. No, but seriously, the characters in As Above, So Below sort of literally stumble into hell. NO BIGGIE.