Movie Review: Dracula Untold

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[Scott walks into an Oberweis Dairy Store.  He notices two children are occupying the table with the chess board.  He politely asks them if they could let him use the table.  They say “no” and laugh at the fact that he’s wearing a full vampire cape.  Scott then goes to the counter and tells the manager that those two kids over there are spitting on the floor and putting the chess pieces down their pants.  The manager effectively throws the children out, leaving Scott an empty chess table to occupy; since they are clearly the best tables at Oberweis.  He opens his green duffel bag with the Ace Ventura stickers all over it, and starts to assemble his vintage 1939 Royal Aristocrat typewriter he purchased at a knockoff antique roadshow / fruit stand last month, where he also obtained some out of season peaches, and loaded it with paper he found on eBay that reportedly were once in Edgar Allen Poe’s trashcan.  Sure, he regretted paying $40 for seven sheets of wrinkly paper, but it would no doubt inspire his magnificent wordplay. 

The waitress comes over and asks if he would like anything to drink.  Scott orders a Pumpkin Spice Cappuccino with crushed Oreo dust on top and gummy worms coming out of it, as if to simulate that he was drinking some sort of delicious concoction made out of dirt and its (normally disgusting) inhabitants.  The waitress informs him that they don’t serve that here, so he instead orders a glass of 2% milk.  She brings him the milk and says “Enjoy your milk” to which he replies “You too!”, which makes him feel stupid for the next 45 seconds.  After wallowing in his own sense of lowered self-worth, he reaches in his pocket and squeezes out a few drops of red food coloring into his milk, so he can pretend he’s drinking blood, pops in his plastic vampire teeth, and readies his hands over the typewriter.  He feels a feeling of pure adrenaline rush over him as his fingers touch the typewriter keys, for he was about to, once again, criticize film.  He leans forward, calmly lets out all the milky air from his lungs, and begins the review]

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Dracula Untold?  More like Dracula IS GOLD!  In this FANGtastic prequel to Twilight, a medieval king becomes a sexy vampire for a week to beat an army of Turkish terrorists, and the worst part about it?  He can’t even look in the mirror to see how good he looks!  You could say that it’s a BITING satire of the entire vampire genre, as long as you ask me no follow-up questions!  Fortunately, it was pretty short, so you won’t need any Folger’s COFFIN (I mean coffee, tee hee) to get through it.  The acting is pure gold, which is fortunate for the characters, as they’re allergic to silver!  If only my wife would be allergic to silver, too…! [opens wallet, a moth flies out]  Just kidding Ethel, I love you.  

Dracula untold 03Now, in an effort to get a quote on the eventual DVD box, please bare with me as I SPELL out (he had spells, right?) a few more out-of-context vampire puns:

Dracula Untold will SUCK the boredom out of you!

It really gets your BLOOD pumping!

You won’t mind being out of the SUNLIGHT for 90 minutes to watch this movie!

Dracula untold 04All other vampire movies PALE in comparison!  (because, like, vampires are really pale.  Because of the whole lack of sunlight thing.  OK, maybe it will look better on the Spanish box art?)

¡Todas otras películas PALE del vampiro en comparación!

I like my STAKE medium rare!  (ok, that one doesn’t make much sense)

You should make this the NECKS movie you see!  (that just sounds illiterate, I’m going to stop)

 

In all seriousness, this movie is entertaining enough to not be a failure, but probably still not good enough to actually pay money to watch.  It’s exactly the story you’d expect it to be.  But at least the special effects aren’t terrible, and some of the battle scenes are ok.  Charles Dance continues to be one of the most menacing people to ever have such a playful name.  6 out of 10 spooky bats.

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