A Conversation With Myself About Jupiter Ascending

jupiter 1

This movie was kind of a giant question mark for me.  It did nothing but raise concerns in my head about what the hell I just watched.  I’ve taken the liberty of hiring a brain stenographer to transcribe my inner-thought conversation after I saw it.


Do you even think you could describe the plot of this movie to someone?

I really doubt it, but I guess I could try…  Mila Kunis is a reincarnation of a space goddess, and [the original space goddess’] three rich space kids want to capture her so she can sign the paperwork necessary to give the inheritance rights of the original space goddess to one of them, which includes the property of planet Earth.  And the evil sibling wants to harvest the people of Earth for space currency, which is time.


That sounds weird and boring.  What about Channing Tatum?  He was, uh, interesting, right?

All I know about him is that he’s like a paid-for-hire hitman, or bounty hunter or something who had his genes mixed with a wolf so he’d be a better hunter or something.  He also had wings, but they were taken off by something called the Legion, I think?


What was the Legion again?

I have no idea, but they gave people neck tattoos.  I really don’t recall them saying why he got his wings taken off.  He must have done something bad?


What else do you know about Tatum’s character?

He’s fully decked out in space technology, and he’s an awesome fighter.  He also gets around by using anti-gravity space roller blades.  He’s also an attractive enough dog-person that Mila Kunis wants to date him.  Date him hard.


And there were three bad guys, I think.  The siblings.  But two of them may not have been bad guys?

Yeah I didn’t understand the dynamic.  They all acted like rich, snooty assholes; but I think only Redmayne’s guy was actually bad.  Maybe.  I don’t know.  Once Mila Kunis spends her scenes meeting with the other two siblings, they kind of never show up in the movie or get mentioned ever again.


Did they get what they want out of her before passing Kunis to the next sibling?



jupiter 2


What about the part where Mila Kunis is controlling a swarm of bees?  Did that have any significance to the overall plot?

Not that I can put together.  I think that was just a flavor scene to show off some neat special effects.


Yeah, you may be right.  Well, didn’t Sean Bean say that the original space queen liked bees as a hobby, so then Mila Kunis, since she’s genetically the same as the original space queen, can now be one with the bees?

If that’s true, I can’t believe that scene made the final cut of a $176 million dollar movie.


Can you even remember four of the characters’ names in this movie off the top of your head?

Well, let’s see…  Mila Kunis was definitely named Jupiter Jones, because that was really stupid and simple enough to remember.  Channing Tatum’s character was named, uhhhhhh…  It was like a one syllable word that started with an “L”.  Maybe Lithe?  Lein?  Leil?  I have no idea.  The bad guy’s last name was Abraxis, right?  I think his first name was Bilal, or Babel?  Babel Abraxis?  Hmmmm…  A fourth character’s name…?  I don’t think I can.

*I looked up on IMDb to see if I was remotely close on those two dude’s names.  Tatum’s character was Caine Wise (not even close), and Eddie Redmayne’s bad guy was Balem Abrasax (close, but still wrong).


You totally called this movie Jupiter Rising in your subject line until you just IMDB’d it, didn’t you?

Haha, guilty as charged.


So back to the name thing…  Don’t you think that there’s something inherently wrong with a movie if you can’t even remember anyone’s names?

Yes I do.  If you can name one of the characters Jupiter Jones, then you can name the rest of them Satellite Thompson or Comet McCormick.  Balem Abrasax is a random assortment of sounds gathered from a poorly written Star Trek erotic fan fiction.


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Speaking of Balem Abrasax, how bad was Eddie Redmayne in this movie?

I’m not a Redmayne-ologist, but I can easily assume it was the worst performance of his career.  Just awful.


Why was it so bad again?

Aside from the fact that he constantly had a dumb look of near-tears constipation on his face, he reduced every line of the movie to a Voldemort-like, pained whisper.  It was laughably terrible.  “I dooooon’t knoooow whyyy you’rrrreeee beeeiiiing thhhiiiis waaaayyyyy.”  The WHOLE movie.


Well, not the WHOLE movie…  Remember the screams?

Haha oh yeah!  Three times in the movie (exactly three), he stops whispering TO SCREAM OUT ONE OF HIS LINES AS LOUD AS HE CAN TO SHOW HE’S AN INTENSE GUY OR SOMETHING.  The first time he did it, it came out of nowhere and I laughed out loud in the theater, and the other two times I could predict about five seconds before he yelled when he was going to, because it was just that stupid and predictable.


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Isn’t it great how, amidst Redmayne’s Oscar run for his boring Oscar bait performance in The Theory of Everything, this stupid movie with a terrible performance from him comes out?

Yes and no.  I mean, it’s pretty good Schadenfreude for a guy who definitely doesn’t deserve to win for his disabled guy biopic blandness, but I only wish this movie came out earlier so that Academy voters could have watched it and been like “Whoa…  *this* is the guy we want to win Best Actor?  No thanks…”


That kind of ties in with the release date push back.

Yeah, this dumb movie was supposed to come out last summer, but then it got pushed back to the dumpster fire that is the January/February release time.  That’s never good.  They say it’s because they had 2000 special effects shots still left to complete, but I think we can all assume a studio head (with a brain) watched a rough cut of the movie and said, “Let’s put this somewhere where it’s not hyped up so much…”


The special effects were good, though.

Yeah, they were.  As far as that goes, the Wachowskis are still on top of their game.  It’s just good sci-fi special effects stuff.  Lasers and cool spaceships and things.  But the action choreography wasn’t exactly The Matrix.


What do you mean?

It’s a lot of spazzy, over-edited nonsense.  Just guns shooting everywhere and people flying all over the place from every direction, and nobody ever gets hit by anything, and Channing Tatum can block every laser with his magic arm shield.  It’s messy action.


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And I remember a lot of this being boring too.

I totally fell asleep for a minute or two in the middle when the characters were talking about space inheritance and signing space forms.  My fiance said she almost fell asleep during a different part, too.  It’s just, like, not that exciting of a movie overall, you know?


Yeah, the one clear-cut comedy scene about how many space forms Jupiter Jones had to fill out in order to get a space drivers license (or something) was pretty funny; but then, well, you know…

Then I started to slowly realize that the entire movie was kind of about this trivial space bureaucracy.  It’s about signing space contracts so rich space royals can obtain more space property, but then there’s frantic laser fights in between the paperwork.


This can be easily illustrated by having the final conflict began with the bad guy demanding that Jupiter sign a contract to hand over a planet.

Exactly!  The bad guy in this movie can’t even conquer a planet like a true villain.  He has to make sure that his arch nemesis signs and dates the proper forms saying he’s allowed to take it over!


Seriously!  Ronin from Guardians of the Galaxy stole an infinity stone so that he could vaporize every life form on the planet he hated.  He was just going to kill everyone because he felt like it.  He even disobeyed his boss, Thanos.

Meanwhile, Abrasax was reading the fine print of the paperwork his space lawyer drew up to make sure it would be ok to destroy Earth and not get in trouble.  How exciting!


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Well, at least there was that elephant guy.

That’s true.  The Wachowskis did thankfully make the pilot of the good guy’s spaceship be half-elephant, half-man.  I don’t know why they did that, but I liked it.


I hope it had human hands, and not elephant stumps.

Yeah it might be hard to turn the steering wheel with stumps.


I wish the whole movie was as crazy as elephant pilot, but without the boring parts.

Me too, and without the overly complex storyline.  I mean just look at successful sci-fi projects like Guardians of the Galaxy, or Star Wars, or The Fifth Element, and think about how simple and great the stories are, and how they managed to keep all of the auxiliary complexities of interplanetary laws and boring space politics in the background.  Jupiter Ascending made that crap the main plot.  All of these movies star a simple John Q. Everyman as the hero, and his/her simple understanding of the big picture is what helps us relate to the universe they’ve been inserted in, without needing to wrap our heads around the boring stuff.  We should just be swept up in the adventure.


And Jupiter Jones is no different either, she was just some lady who was cleaning toilets before Star Wolf picked her up and flew her to another galaxy.

That’s what I’m saying!  We are supposed to be in Jones’ shoes for this adventure, and see things through her eyes, yet she’s constantly being exposed to boring, mundane situations. Why bother even writing a movie about a girl who goes into outer space and gets involved in a legal battle over property taxes?  That’s stupid.  It’s like sitting through all the boring trade federation stuff from Phantom Menace all over again.


Yeah, I thought this was supposed to be a fun, escapist adventure movie.  Bleh.

I know, right?


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Oh well.  Hey didn’t someone freak out in the theater while we were there?

Haha, oh yeah.  In the middle of the movie, some dad in the front section yelled really loudly at his daughter sitting in front of him out of nowhere , “CHEYANNE, IF YOU DON’T SIT DOWN AND BE QUIET, WE’RE LEAVING!”


It was awkwardly great.  I didn’t even hear or see the daughter doing anything out of the ordinary.



Haha, this movie sucked.



I’d probably give it a 4 out of 10.

Hey, we think alike!  I’d also give it a 4 out of 10.


Haha, this movie sucked.

You already said that.


Oh.  Well, don’t blame me for forgetting things, you’re the one reducing my cell count with rum and cokes.


2 thoughts on “A Conversation With Myself About Jupiter Ascending

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