Judging The Movies That I Don’t Want To See In Theaters Right Now

Judgy_00

 

I didn’t see any new movies over this past weekend, probably because everything looked terrible.  So in the spirit of how a lot of people seemed to dump all over Chappie without even seeing it (even though you probably should), I thought I’d just go through my Fandango app right now and see what movies are playing at the theater today that I haven’t seen yet; and then elaborate why I, personally, don’t plan on seeing them.  I think March might have become the new January…!

 

Judgy_01

Cinderella

Maybe I’m not watching the demo targeted TV channels, but I didn’t see any advertisements for this movie.  And while I knowingly assume that this is out of my zone of enjoyment, a Cinderella remake seems like it should have been a big deal, right?  …Oh, it made $70 million?  …I guess it was kind of a big deal.  However, I’m not sure I need another rehashing of a story I’ve heard retold 200 times in my life, whether it’s in its purest form or not.  To be honest, the Cinderella cartoon from the 50s isn’t even a Disney movie I like all that much.  As a 30-year-old man, I don’t particularly care for fairy tale stories OR elaborate costume dramas.  Amp up the explosions or cast Die Antwoord in it or something.  I’ll give this a hard pass, but I assume that it wasn’t poorly made, either.  It’s just not for me.

Predicted Score: 6.5 out of 10

 

Judgy_02

Run All Night

How many times can Liam Neeson make the same movie?  That question won’t be answered with this film, but it will add to the number.  At least give me a dumb gimmick like he’s on a plane with 50 suspects like in Non-Stop.  Or he’s being hunted by wolves like in The Grey.  I wonder if Liam Neeson feels as if he’s living in a Groundhog Day type situation where he keeps waking up on movie sets and no matter how hard he tries to make something different, it always just ends up with him shooting people/things who have wronged him?  Someone should make a movie about Neeson trying to pick a romantic comedy or an indie mumblecore project to do next, but he just ends up shooting terrorists on an exploding freight train no matter how hard he tries not to.  Where’s Charlie Kaufman when you need him?

Predicted Score: 5 out of 10

 

Judgy_03

The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

Don’t tell anybody, but I didn’t hate the First Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.  It was full of corny old people jokes, and then full of old people trying to bone each other.  That subject matter has its place.  And its place is in these Marigold Hotel movies.  If you *want* to see old ladies trying to bang old Richard Gere, you have the most convenient option available to you: in these movies.  Is Dev Patel’s love life enough to satisfy younger viewers to relate to the characters?  No, not really.  But the first one was kinda fun until people started dying, but even in that case, the dude dies in a hammock after rekindling with his long-lost lover.  I don’t know how I’m going to die, but if it’s in a hammock, it can’t be all that bad.  So, uh, what was I saying?  Oh yeah, this movie is probably peak “old people sex drive humor”, if that does anything for you.  But if you maintain a laugh for longer than four hours, consult your physician immediately.

Predicted Score:  6 out of 10

 

Judgy_04

Unfinished Business

Hahahaha, Vince Vaughn!  He’s got a company with two employees; one too young and one too old!  Toooooo funny!  It’s also road trip movie in a foreign country with a trippy party scene in it!  Is that an old guy smoking weed…?  Wow, what will they think of next?!

Predicted Score: 4 out of 10

 

Judgy_05

The Lazarus Effect

This just looks like a crappy horror movie that somehow landed B-list actors instead of C-list actors.  Honest question, is Olivia Wilde considered A-list?  I don’t really think so…  Or else, why would this be her next big movie?  Unless this was a case where they shot this movie in like 2010 and it’s not getting released until now, which is a fact you’d have to fill me in on, because I have zero initiative to look it up myself.  Also, the trailer blatantly gives away how two or three of the characters die.  Here’s my guess on how lazy the script is…  I bet Olivia Wilde kills everybody in the lab, and then in the last scene she uses the zombie medicine to turn everyone into super zombies, and it ends with all the super zombies about to destroy the world.  Am I close?  I haven’t met anyone who has seen this movie to confirm or deny it, and also, I don’t really care.

Predicted Score:  4.5 out of 10

 

McFARLAND

McFarland, USA

Kevin Costner, would you go away, dude?  I watched Draft Day over the weekend while taking several naps, and from what I gathered, it was terrible.  The Cleveland Browns would never make good trades like that.  It was nowhere near as realistic as Black or White.  Anyway, McFarland, USA…  I wouldn’t be surprised if this was one of those uplifting sports movies where the disadvantaged team comes in second place, but still considers themselves winners because they tried or whatever.  Or they win and it freeze frames on the team group hugging.  BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, the white coach wasn’t teaching these kids anything, really…  …They were teaching him

Predicted Score:  5.5 out of 10

 

Really?  Overalls?

Really? Overalls?

The DUFF

What the hell is this?  And why is it in theaters?  Upon looking at a synopsis, DUFF stands for “Designated Ugly Fat Friend”.  I’m not sure in what alternate reality Mae Whitman is considered ugly or fat, but that’s beside the point.  1.)  Why was this movie even made?  And 2.) How did this direct-to-video nonsense get seven screenings at the AMC every day?  I mean, damn, it took like two months for A Most Violent Year to get one screening anywhere in the suburbs, and The Duff gets treated like it’s a Will Ferrell comedy or something?  It looks as bad as The Secret Lives of Dorks.  It only has two recognizable cast members, and one of them is Ken Jeong.  Which movie producer sold his soul to the devil to get this pile of crap to play in (I’m looking it up now) 2,301 theaters this weekend?!  And for four weeks?!  Oh my god, it’s made $30 million?!  What’s wrong with you people?!  Looking up statistics for The DUFF is kind of depressing.  It profited four times its budget.  The DUFF is a Hollywood success story.  Don’t know what to think anymore.

Predicted Score:  3 out of 10

 

[sees that Divergent: Insurgent Detergents is the only new movie coming out this week]  …Oh, come on!

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