Movie Review: Furious 7

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I did *not* particularly enjoy the last movie in this franchise.  I thought the action scenes were long and fatiguing, I thought the plot made no sense, and I thought they wrapped it up in too stupid of a bow.  Plus all the actors seemed like they didn’t want to be there.  It felt like a step backwards from the insanity of Fast Five, which was also really dumb, but I didn’t hate it nearly as much.  So enter Furious 7, a sort of positive note for the franchise; where it kept all the good stuff reasonably insane, and all the boring stuff relatively short.

It’s quite simply just an entertaining movie.  NOS-powered, turtle-waxed escapism, if you will.  It’s not really a *good* movie, exactly, but that’s just my opinion.  But whenever something was exploding or something else was going really fast, I was very adequately entertained.  It’s well made from an action movie standpoint, and not dull or overly complex from a screenplay standpoint.  And if you’re a fan of women’s butts, (director) James Wan made sure to walk around the set with a steadicam aimed waist-high in every situation when bikinis or thongs were present.

I don't think this is from the right Fast & Furious movie, but it's a great picture nonetheless.

I don’t think this is from the right Fast & Furious movie, but it’s a great picture regardless.

It helps that all of the potentially boring non-explodey/non-vroom-vroom-fast-car scenes are made exponentially less boring by Vin Diesel’s presence in the film.  Once again, he appeared to take a daily bath in a tub of NeverWet liquid repellant every morning before coming to the set, to ensure that the absolute minimum amount of stains could appear on his skin or clothes, despite the circumstances his character goes through.  But it’s that voice, and that delivery, oh my god…  I could listen to Vin Diesel play Dom Toretto all day.  It makes every thing he says, no matter how straightforward or serious, sound like a guy attempting to play a tuba into a vat of chocolate pudding.  And it cracks me up every time.  Some of those slower scenes certainly were *theoretically* boring, but Diesel provides just the right amount of Stallone quality garbling to keep me entertained.  His terrible acting made me laugh, and laughter helped me stay focused on the movie, I’m saying.  Also, why does he hold all his beers around the neck of the bottle?

On the opposite side of our indecipherable hero is Jason Statham’s villain character, who appears to have wandered in from an entirely different film; namely one where immortal and indestructible day-walking vampires roam the Earth.  Furious 7‘s Stath simply cannot be destroyed.  He also has the Jason Vorhees-like ability to teleport literally anywhere that Toretto’s crew happens to be, despite a complete lack of logical information as to where they would be.  There’s a scene where it takes the Toretto crew an elaborate, multi-million dollar plan to drop five GPS-guided parachute cars onto a remote mountain road at an exact right moment to catch a van holding a hostage, that needed to be pulled off with the utmost precision to work.  Five minutes into that scene, Jason Statham just SHOWS UP, and he’s driving an even more expensive, even more awesome car!  How did *he* get on that hidden road?  Did he jump out of a plane, too?  How did he know where and when Dom’s crew would be there?  I feel like I’d really want these questions to be answered if I were watching a movie that I really cared about, but the truth is that The Stath is probably the best thing to happen to the Fast & Furious franchise in a long time, so I won’t bother questioning it.  Stath on, you crazy vampire.

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There’s a lot of things to complain about, and even more things to nitpick with this movie.  Tyrese Gibson’s comic relief character has never been funny (to me).  They don’t need to make literally 100% of his lines a joke.  It’s going too far.  I hate that character so much.  He was awful in the last movie, and he’s just kind of grating in this one…

…Ya know what…?  There’s probably a hundred logic flaws in this movie, and I don’t think there’s any point in even acknowledging them.  Plus, I’m in kind of a good mood today, so I’d rather just celebrate this franchise’s insanity, and leave it at that.  So here’s a bunch of random things that were hilariously great about this stupid, entertaining movie (in no particular order):

-Dwayne Johnson flexes out of a cast, and then resets his own bones because he has somewhere to be, and can’t be waiting around for some dumb injury to heal.

-On two separate occasions, Vin Diesel and Jason Statham have 80 mph head-on collisions and then get out of their cars as if that wasn’t a big deal, just to initiate fist fights.

-Vin Diesel lifts a car up for four minutes because they didn’t have a tire jack handy.  No biggie.

-Vin Diesel tries to smash a tombstone with a sledgehammer.  He keeps this sledgehammer in his trunk at all times, by the way.  (But don’t we all?)

-A character jumps out of one speeding car window into the window of a different, drifting, speeding car; in a split second, unplanned move that in reality would have definitely cut the person in half.  Lucky it was executed in ultra slow motion.  PHEW!

-Iggy Azalea (took me three attempts to spell her last name correctly) has an unimportant cameo for some reason.  She’s so fancy.

-I had no idea ahead of time that Tony Jaa was in this movie, and it was a very welcome surprise.  He rules.  He only has two words of dialogue, but he has enough knee and elbow smashes to last a lifetime.

-Dom Toretto wore a tank top to his own wedding!

-There was a cameo scene from the Fast & Furious 3: Tokyo Drift crew, where the three main cast members appear to be held at gunpoint to pull off the scene, based on the lack of enthusiasm in their line deliveries.  But what’s important about this is that the scene officially makes Tokyo Drift part of the F&F canon!  GOOD, BECAUSE THAT’S THE BEST ONE!  EAT IT, H8TERS!

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I guess I should mention the whole Paul Walker tribute at the end…  It was nice.  The way the movie was written, it seemed like they were going to retire his character from the start anyway, regardless of Paul Walker’s real life fate.  But it was a fitting tribute to a guy who basically made his entire career off of these movies.  I wasn’t bawling my eyes out like some people I’ve read about, but I felt some emotion for sure, if not just because it’s pretty sad that such a handsome man is now in heaven.

But all in all, Furious 7 was one of the best executed movies of this franchise.  I’ve been waiting for them to have a decent villain with non-boring storyline bridges in between the stunts for years, and I think they finally did it.  Good for them.

I DON’T HAVE MOVIE RATING SCORES.  I HAVE FAMILY.

 

Just kidding, I’d probably give it like an 8 out of 10.

 

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