I actually did end up seeing two new movies in theaters over the weekend, despite what I previously thought, with those two movies being the new Jonah Hill and James Franco comedy True Story, and – oh wait, it’s definitely not a comedy. And I also saw Child 44, a movie I had never heard of before I looked at my Fandango app the night before the movie. It’s about Russia.
So anyway, I’m pretty busy this week (again), and probably won’t have time to write two separate reviews for them, so I’ll just mash them into one. And for a change of pace, I’ll abandon my usual structure and do some free-form movie reviewing. I’ve got a Bachelor of Arts, bro. Gotta let my spirit free, dawg.
Describe the plots of the movies in an annoying and confusing way.
True Story tells the true story of a guy who didn’t tell a true story about being a different guy, and the true guy now wants to write the true story of how the other guy didn’t tell a true story about murdering his family, and he wants to name the book based on the true or not true story True Story. It’s quite a story of truth. Or maybe not true. But definitely a story.
Child 44 is about a post-apocalyptic world, in which people fight to the death, Max teams up with a mysterious woman, Furiousa, to try and survive. No… That’s the Mad Max: Fury Road plot. I want to see that. They both have Tom Hardy in them.
Rank the casts of the movies in order of hotness.
1. James Franco
2. Felicity Jones
3. Gretchen Mol
4. Jonah Hill
5. Ethan Suplee
1. Tom Hardy
2. Gary Oldman
3. Vincent Cassel
4. Noomi Rapace
5. Jason Clarke
6. Paddy Considine
7. Joel Kinnaman
Give smarmy, unfair negative reviews of the movies using their titles.
“The only TRUE thing about this STORY is that it was trite.”
“I wish I was a CHILD, so that I couldn’t get into this movie, because it’s rated R, and I’d be under 17, and I’d need an adult to take me, who could be 44, but since I’m a child, I’d probably rather see Paul Blart 2, so I’d ask the adult to take me to that instead of Child 44.”
Word association… TRUE STORY.
Word association… CHILD 44.
Present your thoughts on the movies through the art of haiku.
Crinkle face Franco
Not quite as good as Jonah
Fat Jonah is great
Tom Hardy can act
He’s pretty good in this, too
But I want Mad Max
Now perfectly illustrate the movies with MS Paint.
Admittedly, I got kind of lazy with the second one after spending too much time (5 minutes) on the first one.
The numbers. What about the numbers?!?!
True Story is about 80% of a truly good story.
I’d give Child 44 about 63 kids out of 100 youngsters.