Since this was such a huge movie that surpassed all reason and logic for normal movie reviewing, and since there’s so many characters involved, I thought that I’d avoid comparing whether I liked the explosion 12 minutes in more than the explosion 47 minutes in, and just rank all the characters from best to worst. Plus, the more I think about it, the one 47 minutes in was way better.
*Excluded from the list: The Hydra scientist from the beginning who I can barely remember, the characters from the dream flashbacks, and the Sokovian mom who kept showing her cleavage while screaming at the destruction of her town.
Ultron was a great bad guy mainly because he was a sassy robot. I love robots with ‘tudes. And it made sense that he had sarcasm and one liners, because he was designed by Tony Stark, who is always the most sarcastic one liner jokester in these movies. One liners are half his lines. Also, that one part when Ultron destroys a copy of himself just to prove that he can was super badass.
2. Captain America
Cap is always a solid dude in these movies. He’s kind of the glue that holds the whole team together. And his “language” joke turned into a very satisfying running gag. Plus, the colors on his uniform make a tear run down my face because I love my country so god damn much.
What? I know, right? Hawkeye? I wasn’t expecting him to be up here, either. But this movie actually gave him a story and some dimension, and made me give a crap about the guy I previously didn’t give that much of a crap about. His frustrated line that questioned the logistics of him fighting an army of robots with a bow and arrow comically addressed all of the audience’s questions as to why Hawkeye is even part of the team. Perfect.
I know they keep doing the same played out Bruce Banner storylines, but I kind of still like it. Also, Hulk smashing stuff is never not fun to watch. Even in the stupid Ang Lee movie, I’ll still enjoy watching Hulk smash stuff.
He’s a purple dude with an infinity stone in his face. Guy’s basically a god.
Guy’s actually a god. But he kind takes a backseat in this one. He’s more of a side character, as I can only remember maybe two moments when he was heavily featured. Still, he’s one of the more entertaining Norse gods.
7. Black Widow
After Hawkeye, Black Widow probably had the next most character progression. Probably because they want to set her up for her own movie at some point. Even though Winter Soldier was basically 60% a Black Widow movie already. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
8. War Machine
He’s barely in this movie, but the Don Cheadle comic relief is strong while he’s there. Meanwhile, Terrence Howard finally doesn’t cry while watching Marvel movies because he has a hit TV show now. Way to go, Terrence!
9. Scarlet Witch
I thought her powers were kind of conveniently powerful, as in one scene she’s using her red mind goop to manipulate people’s thoughts, and then in another scene she’s using the goop to physically stop trains from crashing into things. My fiancé said that they explained that she had two powers in the beginning of the movie, but I don’t remember that happening, SO I DONT BELIEVE IT. Cool new character, regardless.
10. Iron Man
Maybe I’ll be alone on this, but I thought Iron Man didn’t do much of anything significant in this movie, other than create Ultron. Maybe significant is the wrong word. Memorable. Yeah, that’s a better word. But he was pretty much the main star of Avengers 1, so he’s got that going for him.
More of a flavor character, with barely any dialogue, but he did do a few cool things. I still don’t get how he doesn’t break his hands when smashing through things at high speeds? He has super bones too? Is that was “super metabolism” is? Anyway, X-Men Quicksilver > Marvel Quicksilver.
12. The debate about the missing characters
I laughed pretty good at the conversation about which actress who didn’t appear in the movie (Gwyneth Paltrow and Natalie Portman) was better than the other.
He’s only in a kind of lame, five second mid-credits scene, but it reminded me of Guardians of the Galaxy for a moment, and that bathes the starways in my boners.
14. The Robots
You’d think Ultron would design a less easily destructible army of bots to fight a group of superheroes, but I guess they provided a lot of bodies for people to hit with stuff.
15. Thor’s old scientist friend from the Thor movies
I always liked this character, but he’s only in the movie for like 2 minutes, so, I guess that hurts his ranking…
17. The Korean Scientist
She was alright I guess… If this were a Michael Bay movie she’d have been cast with Ken Jeong, which makes me appreciate the character a little more.
18. Hawkeye’s wife
I like Linda Cardellini, but she didn’t really do anything, and it looks like her and Hawkeye produced a bunch of wiener kids.
19. Stan Lee
I do like how there’s still a few people in the theater who feel the need to lean over to their partner during the cameo, and go, “That’s Stan Lee.” To which the wife responds, “I fucking know that, Carl.“
20. Whoever Andy Serkis played
Who the hell was that guy? And why did we need his whole scene? And why wasn’t Andy Serkis covered in tiny styrofoam balls? I barely recognized him.
21. Nick Fury
Probably didn’t need to make an appearance. Sam Jackson should probably take a vacation sometime.
22. Agent Maria Hill
Is there a more boring character in all of the Marvel Cinematic Universe? I can’t think of one.
23. Any other character that might or might not be from Agents of Shield
Nothing, even incorporating characters into the movies I like, can possibly make me want to watch an hour long network TV primetime action show. Stop trying.
10 days until Mad Max.