Lazy Movie Review: SPECTRE

spectre 01

Premise:  In what might be (?) Daniel Craig’s final Bond movie, he plays some guy named Jim Bond, who is a spy and drives cars, and kind of just assumes that rando older Italian women want to bang him (turns out they do).  Why wouldn’t they, I guess?  I don’t know.  Leave me alone.  Anyway, he fights a couple of villains in this movie who wear uncomfortably over-stylized jackets, and one of them has a ponytail.  Wouldn’t it be great if there was a Bond villain who just wore a 1993 Buffalo Bills windbreaker and operated his evil corporation in an abandoned Sports Authority building in Indiana?  Well, there’s always the next reboot…  *closes eyes* *crosses fingers*  JOSH GAD JOSH GAD JOSH GAD.



-The opening sequence was pretty awesome.  I didn’t realize they were attempting a super long take until they were about a third of the way through it, but it was pretty sweet.  I also liked the costumes and the Mexican setting, where buildings are made with some kind of cracker-like material and entire city blocks fall down from one bazooka blast.  It was fun, and set up the premise of the entire move:  James Bond is an asshole who does whatever he wants.

-Here’s a pretty great job to get in Hollywood: the location scout for James Bond movies.  That person probably had an entire around-the-world vacation where he was just taking pictures of stuff and sending them to Sam Mendes with the email subject lines: “This desert looks cool for location – kinda crappy WIFI though“, “Having fun skiing, RE: might work for movie too“, “Rome is scenic & the spaghetti is good“.

-Ralph Fiennes is pretty solid.  I forgot he was even in this series.  Actually, I watched Skyfall on HBO about a month ago, AND saw it in theaters when it came out, and I currently barely remember anything about it.  The only one I can remember scene-for-scene is Casino Royale, because Casino Royale rules.

-Is Christoph Waltz a Bond villain in real life?  I bet he sounds suspiciously evil when he orders entrees off an Applebee’s menu.

-Dave Bautista was a good henchman.  They didn’t over think it.  He’s just a big, indestructible guy with razor blades for thumbnails or something.  I don’t even know what the fingernail thing was about, or if he had them the entire time, or what?  And I kind of don’t really care enough to analyze it.

spectre 3



-This movie is too long.

-All of those super cinematic scenic shots were pretty great, but they came with a cost…  About a sixth of this 150 minute movie is just long panning shots of people walking in exotic locations.  Probably could have brought this thing under two hours by cutting some of them down.  …But they’re so pretty on the big screen!

-That one scene in the Tangiers hotel/condo/whatever was a big contributor to this movie being too freaking long.  It killed any and all momentum the movie was building, and in my opinion, it was sort of boring.  Not that I *need* constant action to make a James Bond movie interesting, but that scene in particular didn’t really do it for me.

-I think the Bond girl in this one (played by Léa Seydoux) confessed her love for James Bond a *little* too early in their almost entirely dysfunctional relationship.  I mean, maybe a “I think I’m starting to LIKE like you”, or a “UR soooooo hott”, or a “heart-gun-heart-pizza-heart” emoji chain via text would have been more than sufficient.

-Hoooo boy, that title song was terrible.  And the music video credits thing accompanying it looked pretty slapped together.  It filled up my octopus quota for the year, though, so that’s good.  HAIL HYDRA!  I hope that my next Bond series dream villain (with the windbreaker) has an evil logo that is just a big circle with an angry Shar Pei face on it.  #scottfornextbondwriter

Spectre-02_Evil Shar-pei

Final Thoughts:  It’s worthwhile, I guess.  I actually had a pretty lukewarm anticipation for it, so much so that I saw it the Wednesday after it came out at 9:30 pm during a rainstorm, so no one else showed up to the theater.  It was entertaining and had some cool scenes I’d like to watch again when it comes on TV eventually (like the opening sequence), but ultimately, do I expect to ever buy it or watch it from start to finish ever again?  Nah, probably not.  But it’s a decent thing to sit through once.  I think my final analysis of the Daniel Craig Bond series (unless there’s more coming [note: there doesn’t need to be]) is that I will probably watch Casino Royale whenever it comes on TV, but with the rest I’ll probably change the channel to Food Network or a Chappelle Show marathon or whatever else is on.

I’d give it like a low-end 8 out of 10 or so.  It’s a well-shot movie with guns and ‘splosions and stuff.  And I have enjoyed the general shift in tone for the most part for the Craig years (as opposed to the Brosnan years), but in the scheme of things, none of the three post-Casino Royale D-Craig Bond movies have really stood out from each other to me.  It’s like Casino Royale…  …theeeeeeeen the other three.  But then again, I ain’t no Bondologist with a fancy degree from Northern Bond State University or nuthin’, so take my opinion with a grain of salt in your martini.

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