Here Are Haikus For All 91 Movies I Watched In 2015

fury road 7

Aside from a few great events this year (namely some weddings of people I care about, a couple neat trips, and some special occasions with my fiance), 2015 didn’t really feel like that great of a year for me.  It was stressful, and gave me a ton of headaches.  In an effort to put it behind me, and to wish myself a more peaceful, zen-like 2016, I will present my annual year-end list in the form of the ancient art of haiku.  And I don’t know what version of ‘ku you grew up on, but the guy in the alleyway behind the Best Buy who taught me how to cut watermelons in half with a samurai sword raised me on the 5-7-5 syllable version.

Here’s my lists from the last several years, in case you wanted them:  2014201320122011

This year was actually good for movies, I thought, even though I saw less films than usual (this is the lowest amount of films I’ve seen since 2012).  However, I thought the movies this year were of a pretty good quality.  I gave 6 movies an “A” grade, which isn’t the highest amount I’ve ever given, but also isn’t the lowest.  But I dropped a “B” grade on a whopping 37 films, which is ten more than last year, the most I’ve ever done by seven movies.  I guess I tend to like things more than I hate them?  But I gave 48 things a “C” grade or lower, and 15 of those were a straight up “F”.  So don’t accuse me of liking literally everything.

I’m also including American Sniper, Selma, and Inherent Vice into this list, because they went into wide release in January.  Just because 5000 people in New York and LA got to see them in the last week of 2014 doesn’t mean crap to me.  Everyone else saw them in 2015.  Much like I’ll be throwing The Revenant on next year’s list.

Well, here we go.  Enjoy 91 haikus, and have a happy new year!

 

christmas 2015 11 leasiure class

 

91.  THE LEISURE CLASS

Horrible screenplay

Albino director sucks

Car crash was funny

Grade: F-

Original Review HERE

 

christmas 2015 12 lost river

90.  LOST RIVER

Baby Goose directs

It’s almost unwatchable

Stick to acting, dude

Grade: F-

Original Review HERE

 

crap 05 lazurus effect

89.  LAZARUS EFFECT

If you meet someone

And they like this dumb movie

You should walk away

Grade: F-

Original Review HERE

 

 poltergeist 05

88.  POLTERGEIST

What a huge mistake

I’m glad it bombed horribly

Sorry, Sam Rockwell

Grade: F-

Original Review HERE

 

crap 01 maggie

87.  MAGGIE

Boring zombie stuff

Arnold was nothing special

Would not recommend

Grade: F-

Original Review HERE

 

hot tub focus 01

86.  HOT TUB TIME MACHINE 2

Clark Duke needs this film

So he can pay monthly rent

His career sucks hard

Grade: F-

Original Review HERE

 

victor frankenstein

85.  VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN

People wanted this?

OK let’s give it a try

Oops I fell asleep

Grade: F-

Original Review HERE

 

 christmas 2015 04 wedding ringer

84.  THE WEDDING RINGER

Kevin Hart phones in

Josh Gad is unbearable

No need to watch this

Grade: F-

Original Review HERE

 

jupiter 4

83.  JUPITER ASCENDING

C-Tates is dog man

Kunis wants to walk that dog

If you catch my drift

Grade: F-

Original Review HERE

 

crap 02 aloha

82.  ALOHA

Put gun to my head

Ask me to recite the plot

I would be dead man

Grade: F

Original Review HERE

 

pixels movie

81.  PIXELS

Don’t know what is worse;

Kevin James as President

Or Sandler’s paycheck?

Grade: F

Original Review HERE

 

green inferno 2

80.  THE GREEN INFERNO

Lots of gore and blood

Does it really need poo jokes?

Eli Roth says yes

Grade: F

Original Review HERE

 

DSC_8682.tiff

79.  ENTOURAGE

Not as good as show

Show was bad to begin with

We should expect trash

Grade: F

Original Review HERE

 

Pitch Perfect 2

78.  PITCH PERFECT 2

You like the first one?

Well you won’t like this one much

It gets real boring

Grade: F+

Original Review HERE

 

get hard

77.  GET HARD

Starts off pretty strong

Goes downhill in the middle

Grasping for straws

Grade: F+

Original Review HERE

 

 sinister 2

76.  SINISTER 2

No one asked for this

But I saw it anyway

Bughuul is lame ghost

Grade: D-

Original Review HERE

 

child 44 tom hardy

75.  CHILD 44

Film about Russia

It takes place in the 50s

Not much more to say

Grade: D-

Original Review HERE

 

catching up 05 insidious chapter 3

74.  INSIDIOUS 3

What’s the title mean?

Not very descriptive, right?

Good Scrabble score, though

Grade: D-

Original Review HERE

 

christmas 2015 20 i smile back

73.  I SMILE BACK

Overly sad film

Casts a comedian girl

Still overly sad

Grade: D-

Original Review HERE

 

mockingjay part 2

72.  HUNGER GAMES: MOCKINGJAY PART 2

Finally it’s done

But money is left to make

Ugh, prequels are near

Grade: D-

Original Review HERE

 

fantastic four

71.  FANTASTIC FOUR

In different world

This could have been something good

But FOX had input

Grade: D-

Original Review HERE

 

crap 07 unfriended

70.  UNFRIENDED

Commit suicide

Come back and get sweet revenge

Bad message for teens

Grade: D-

Original Review HERE

 

Maps to the Stars

69.  MAPS TO THE STARS

A word of advice

Don’t let your kid do acting

They turn into turds

Grade: D-

Original Review HERE

 

christmas 2015 17 unfinished business

68.  UNFINISHED BUSINESS

Remember the past?

Wasn’t Vince Vaughn a big deal?

What happened to him?

Grade: D-

Original Review HERE

 

black mass

67.  BLACK MASS

Threatening gangster

Hard to take seriously

Because of contacts

Grade: D

Original Review HERE

 

Fifty Shades of Grey full trailer on TODAY

66.  50 SHADES OF GREY

My mom saw this film

“It has guy butts and girl butts”

That was her review

Grade: D

Original Review HERE

 

christmas 2015 08 extraordinary tales

65.  EXTRAORDINARY TALES

Poe as a cartoon?

I guess I’ll give it a try

There’s worse ideas

Grade: D+

Original Review HERE

 

hot tub focus 04

64.  FOCUS

Did I see this film?

I remember seeing it

Yet nothing from it

Grade: D+

Original Review HERE

 

terminator genisys

63.  TERMINATOR GENISYS

You know what I hate?

Looked up title on Google

Just to spell it wrong

Grade: C-

Original Review HERE

 

bridge of spies 2

62.  BRIDGE OF SPIES

Great concept for film

As bland as history class

Is Spielberg not good?

Grade: C-

Original Review HERE

 

burnt

61.  BURNT

Great food is blissful

Not worth getting yelled at for

I’ll stick to Wendy’s

Grade: C-

Original Review HERE

 

the visit

60.  THE VISIT

Sort of found footage

Has M. Night’s best twist in years

That’s not saying much

Grade: C-

Original Review HERE

 

catching up 02 san andreas

59.  SAN ANDREAS

The Rock fights earthquake

Great premise for a movie

Only a half truth

Grade: C-

Original Review HERE

 

christmas 2015 16 bessie

58.  BESSIE

Don’t mess with Bessie

She will put her foot up there

You know where I mean

Grade: C

Original Review HERE

 

true story movie

57.  TRUE STORY

Crinkle face Franco

Not quite as good as Jonah

Fat Jonah is great

Grade: C

Original Review HERE

 

99 homes 01

56.  99 HOMES

You want to be sad?

Then watch old guy lose his house

It’s in this movie

Grade: C

Original Review HERE

 

Black or Sea 03

55.  BLACK SEA

Nazi treasure chest

Plus several fierce Russians

Equals disaster

Grade: C

Original Review HERE

 

man from uncle movie

54.  MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E.

Decent action scenes

But boring exposition

Just watch highlight reel

Grade: C

Original Review HERE

 

steve jobs seth rogen

53.  STEVE JOBS

I should skip this one

Sorkin would scoff at haikus

He’s kind of a jerk

Grade: C

Original Review HERE

 

tr june 03 love and mercy

52.  LOVE & MERCY

Beach Boys sound soothing

Behind the scenes it wasn’t

Wilson has issues

Grade: C

Original Review HERE

 

christmas 2015 13 end of the tour

51.  THE END OF THE TOUR

Infinite Jest book

It was a thing at some point

I never read it

Grade: C+

Original Review HERE

 

night before

50.  THE NIGHT BEFORE

Seth Rogen drug trip

JGL has to grow up

Mackie tags along

Grade: C+

Original Review HERE

 

Ant-Man

49.  ANT-MAN

Small protagonist

Big budget expectations

Medium results

Grade: C+

Original Review HERE

 

we are your friends 2

48.  WE ARE YOUR FRIENDS

Efron DJ film

No one went to go see it

But it wasn’t bad

Grade: C+

Original Review HERE

 

christmas 2015 15 turbo kid

47.  TURBO KID

Tribute to 80s

Maybe it goes on too long?

It’s not Kung Fury

Grade: C+

Original Review HERE

 

christmas 2015 03 sisters

46.  SISTERS

Growing up is hard

So you might as well have fun

But not TOO much fun

Grade: C+

Original Review HERE

 

ultron 10 iron man

45.  AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON

I’ve seen this twice now

I still forget most of it

But the end is cool

Grade: C+

Original Review HERE

 

christmas 2015 06 beasts of no nation

44.  BEASTS OF NO NATION

Beware, Hollywood

Successful Netflix movie

The future is nigh

Grade: C+

Original Review HERE

 

spectre 01

43.  SPECTRE

James Bond hates hackers

They slow down his high bandwidth

On British Tinder

Grade: B-

Original Review HERE

 

trainwreck movie

42.  TRAINWRECK

Is Schumer funny?

Or just funny for a girl?

Asking makes you dumb

Grade: B-

Original Review HERE

 

crimson peak 4

 

41.  CRIMSON PEAK

Beware Crimson Peak

The marketing was awesome

Film was only “neat”

Grade: B-

Original Review HERE

 

 d train

40.  THE D TRAIN

A twist on bromance

Might make bros a tad squeamish

Get over it, bros

Grade: B-

Original Review HERE

 

brooklyn movie

39.  BROOKLYN

Irish girl finds love

Poops in a hallway bucket

Not crucial to plot

Grade: B-

Original Review HERE

 

carp 05 i am chris farley

38.  I AM CHRIS FARLEY

One of the greatest

Done in by too much self doubt

Black Sheep was good, dude

Grade: B-

Original Review HERE

 

american ultra

37.  AMERICAN ULTRA

Max Landis writes well

In the movie no one saw

Complains on Twitter

Grade: B-

Original Review HERE

 

christmas 2015 05 cop car

36.  COP CAR

Attention children

If you’re going to steal cars

Avoid Bacon’s car

Grade: B-

Original Review HERE

 

 krampus movie

35.  KRAMPUS

Is this Halloween?

Or is this Christmas season?

Krampus does not know…

Grade: B-

Original Review HERE

 

furious-7 - 04

34.  FURIOUS 7

Paul Walker is gone

But his acting can live on

With computer tech

Grade: B-

Original Review HERE

 

ensemble avalanche 02 everest

33.  EVEREST

Climbing looks awful

I don’t even like jogging

That would not be fun

Grade: B-

Original Review HERE

 

christmas 2015 01 spotlight

32.  SPOTLIGHT

Confessional time

Nevermind, I think I’ll pass

Seems shady in there

Grade: B-

Original Review HERE

 

american sniper brad cooper

31.  AMERICAN SNIPER

Chris Kyle war hero

His issues followed him home

Has plastic baby

Grade: B-

Original Review HERE

 

catching up 04 spy

30.  SPY

Terrible trailer

Surpassed my expectations

Wish that happened more

Grade: B-

Original Review HERE

 

christmas 2015 19 very semi serious

29.  VERY SEMI SERIOUS

This person is weird

That person is really weird

They draw the cartoons

Grade: B

Original Review HERE

 

misssion impossible rogue nation

28.  MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: ROGUE NATION

Tom Cruise is running

He does it in all his films

It’s in his contract

Grade: B

Original Review HERE

 

selma

27.  SELMA

Decent biopic

Is full of important themes

Alabama sucks

Grade: B

Original Review HERE

 

catching up 03 slow west

26.  SLOW WEST

Pretty good casting

No one bends ass in the west

Like the Assbender

Grade: B

Original Review HERE

 

jurassic world 3

25.  JURASSIC WORLD

It’s implausible

It has plenty of plot holes

I still liked it, jerks

Grade: B

Original Review HERE

 

christmas 2015 14 bone tomahawk

24.  BONE TOMAHAWK

Guy gets throat ripped out

Other guy gets split in two

Cannibals eat both

Grade: B

Original Review HERE

 

good dinosaur

23.  THE GOOD DINOSAUR

Pixar makes us cry

They try again with this one

It’s dusty in here

Grade: B

Original Review HERE

 

montage of heck 03

22.  KURT COBAIN: MONTAGE OF HECK

Kurt Cobain was smart

Nirvana was important

Courtney Love was loud

Grade: B

Original Review HERE

 

21.  A MOST VIOLENT YEAR

Barely any ads

Came out in January

Good film no one watched

Grade: B

Original Review HERE

 

the walk

20.  THE WALK

I am scared of heights

IMAX 3D is too real

Made me pee my pants

Grade: B

Original Review HERE

 

christmas 2015 07 me and earl and dying girl

19.  ME AND EARL AND THE DYING GIRL

Watched it on a whim

But it almost made me cry

So many feelings!

Grade: B

Original Review HERE

 

Straight Outta Compton

18.  STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON

Nice Wholesome Artists?

Nutty Whole-wheat Applesauce?

Can’t say the real one

Grade: B

Original Review HERE

 

inherent vice 1

17.  INHERENT VICE

A crazy movie

Overly confusing plot

These are compliments

Grade: B

Original Review HERE

 

going clear doc

16.  GOING CLEAR

Scientology

Doesn’t seem very legit

Hold on to your cash

Grade: B+

[I kinda forgot to write an original review…  Good documentary, though!]

 

tr june 01 dope

15.  DOPE

“Dope” can mean four things:

Either “cool”, “drugs”, “idiot,”

Or “awesome movie.”

Grade: B+

Original Review HERE

 

martian

14.  THE MARTIAN

He’s smarter than me

Also more clever than me

Manhood is threatened

Grade: B+

Original Review HERE

 

it follows 5

13.  IT FOLLOWS

You want scary ghost?

This one haunts your boner’s past

That’s nightmarish stuff

Grade: B+

Original Review HERE

 

christmas 2015 02 chi raq

12.  CHI-RAQ

Messy, yet funny

Spike Lee’s best film in a while

Nick Cannon still sucks

Grade: B+

Original Review HERE

 

tr june 02 inside out

11.  INSIDE OUT

Complex emotions

Dumbed down so kids can relate

Kids are still crazy

Grade: B+

Original Review HERE

 

chappie_03

10.  CHAPPIE

Don’t hate on Chappie

You didn’t even watch it

You hypocrite jerk

Grade: B+

Original Review HERE

 

crap 04 what we do in the shadows

9.  WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS

New Zealand has laughs

But watch your language down there

Werewolves not Swearwolves

Grade: B+

Original Review HERE

 

creed

8.  CREED

Mmm-hhhrr Brrrr-llummm-hhhrrr

That was Stallone impression

JK, he’s still good

Grade: B+

Original Review HERE

 

kingsman

7.  KINGSMAN: THE SECRET SERVICE

So many spy films

This one was the best of all

At least from this year

Grade: B+

Original Review HERE

 

ex machina 05

6.  EX MACHINA

Thinking man’s movie

You’ll ponder all life’s questions

Can you bang robots?

Grade: A-

Original Review HERE

 

the big short

5.  THE BIG SHORT

Banks screwed us over

We should have seen that coming

But we are stupid

Grade: A-

Original Review HERE

 

sicario

4.  SICARIO

War on drugs is hard

It may also be pointless

Avoid Mexico

Grade: A-

Original Review HERE

 

hateful eight

3.  THE HATEFUL EIGHT

It may be snowing

But being inside ain’t good

Not with these eight jerks

Grade: A-

Original Review HERE

 

force awakens 03

2.  STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS

Seen this a few times

There is an awakening…

…inside my wallet

Grade: A

Original Review HERE

 

fury road 01

1.  MAD MAX: FURY ROAD

It is by my hand

You will rise from the ashes!

Ahhhh, mediocre!

Grade: A+

Original Review HERE

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