Free-Form Movie Review: Jane Got A Gun

jane got a gun

For the second time, I’m going to put my fancy liberal arts degree to good use, and do another freeform movie review, where I just let the thoughts and critiques randomly come out in whatever form they please.  This works best for middle-of-the-road kind of average movies where I struggle to even come up with anything to talk about in traditional review formats, and Natalie Portman’s new western movie Jane Got A Gun is just that.  So let’s get started.

Give us the basic premise, but sung like that Aerosmith song that is apparently in no way affiliated with this movie:

Janie’s got a gun
Actually, Janie’s got like two guns
Her whole world’s come undone
She doesn’t know how to hold a gun.
What did her husband dooooooo?
Why’s he got a bunch of bullet holes in his baaaaaack?
They said when Janie got desperate
they found her asking her ex-husband for heeeeeeeelp.
But man, that’s kind of a jerk move, ‘ Now that Janie’s got a new husband 
she can’t beat Ewan McGregor’s entire gang alone.  Ok, I kinda trailed off from the song here at the end.  Whatever.
(cymbal crash, cymbal crash)
SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET EMOOOOOOOOOOTIOOOOOON.
Ya talk about things and nobody cares
Bah-dodee-da-dumble-dee-dum
Wearing other things that – ok, I’ll stop.

 

Give us a pie chart of everything summed up in this movie:

Jane_Got_a_Gun_PieChart

 

Give a line-by-line copy and pasting of how crappy it was to get this movie made:

-The script by Brian Duffield appeared on the 2011 Black List, an annual listing of the most popular unproduced screenplays.
-In May 2012, it was announced that Natalie Portman would star in the film as the title character Jane Hammond and that Lynne Ramsay would direct.
-In August 2012, Michael Fassbender was reported as being in talks to play the role of Dan Frost, Jane’s ex-lover.
-In December 2012, Joel Edgerton was cast as John Bishop, the villain of the film.
-On February 4, 2013, Rodrigo Santoro was announced to have joined the cast, playing a character named Fitchum.
-On March 11, it was revealed that Fassbender had to leave the film due to scheduling conflicts with X-Men: Days of Future Past.
-Ramsay then recast Joel Edgerton in the vacated role of Dan Frost and cast Jude Law in the role of John Bishop.
-On March 19, it was announced that Ramsay had left the production as director.
-On March 20, Gavin O’Connor was announced as her replacement.
-The same day, it was also announced that Jude Law had left the film, for the reason that he had signed on to work with Ramsay.
-Cinematographer Darius Khondji also left the production, and was replaced by Mandy Walker.
-Anthony Tambakis, the screenwriter of O’Connor’s previous film Warrior, was hired to rewrite the script.
-On April 5, it was announced that Bradley Cooper would replace Law in the role of John Bishop.
-On April 10, it was announced that Noah Emmerich had been cast in the final lead role of Bill Hammond, Jane’s husband.
-On May 1, it was announced that Cooper was withdrawing from the film. Cooper revealed that he was leaving because of scheduling conflicts with American Hustle.
-On May 6, Ewan McGregor was announced to take over the role of John Bishop from Bradley Cooper.
-Originally the film was set to be distributed in the U.S. by Relativity Media, and The Weinstein Company, and was set to be released on August 29, 2014.
-On April 24, 2014, the studio set a February 20, 2015, release date for the film, which was later moved back to September 4.
-In July 2015, Relativity Media lost their distribution rights to the film, amid their filing for bankruptcy.
-The Weinstein Company then acquired the film.
-As one final gambit, the producers opted into what’s called a “service deal,” an arrangement where they would actually pay the distributors a flat fee and small percentage of the box-office returns just to get it into theaters, at no additional expense to the Weinstein Company.
-The film was released in the United States on January 29, 2016.
-The film ended up making $803,000 off of a $25 million budget in its first weekend.  The film scored a mere $664 per theater average, in 1210 theaters. This is, by far, the worst wide release opening in Portman’s career and the worst opening on a per theater average.

 

Is there a GIF that accurately portrays all of that?

liam neeson WHY

 

Let’s do some quick Haikus!  It’s a ‘Ku-Fire Challenge!  (I started watching Top Chef this season)

Took four years to make
Took one weekend to dismiss
That’s movie making

Michael Fassbender
Bradley Cooper and Jude Law
All of them no-shows

In all honesty
You know what this could have used?
Big metal spiders

 

Could you come up with some alternate titles for Jane Got A Gun?

Mild Mild West
3:10 to Redbox
This Will Make Less Than A Fistful of Dollars
The Alright, the Middling, and the Standard
High Noon Matinee Screenings Only
Rio Minuto
The Adequate Seven
How The Profit Was Lost
The Movie That Bored Liberty Valance

 

Those were fun.  Do you have any more?

‘OK’-lahoma!

 

Alright let’s wrap this up and forget we even saw this in about two weeks.  What’s your grade?

It’s not good, bad, or ugly.  It’s just kinda THERE.  I’d give it a C-, and a “Rent it…?  …maybe?  …If you want?  …It’s up to you?  But there’s probably something better to watch…?“.

 

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