Theater Roundup: Room, The Witch, and Gods of Egypt

Theater roundup march header

Just playing a little catch up here with some movies I’ve seen recently.  Maybe one day I’ll be able to go back to full, single-movie reviews?  ONLY TIME WILL TELL…




What is this?  The story of a young woman and her son being held captive in a kidnapper’s tool shed for seven years.  Which probably wasn’t the most romantic movie my wife and I could have watched on our honeymoon…  …but our options were kind of limited.

Was it any good?  Yeah, it was pretty decent.  I’m a little surprised it got such recognition at the Academy Awards, but I guess every year at least one little indie movie sneaks in to the major categories.  Brie Larson was really good though (she has been for years), and earned her Oscar this year.  The little kid in the film was a child actor that I didn’t hate the entire movie, so that’s good.  Something about kids who want to be actors makes me angry.  Maybe I’m just thinking about their parents being overbearing jerks?  I don’t know.  This kid seemed alright, though.

Maybe, however, I was left with a feeling of wanting more out of this movie?  The first half when they are stuck in the room was interesting, but only while waiting for the eventual payoff of getting out.  And then the struggle of adapting to life outside of the room (basically the second half of the movie, it’s in the trailer, leave me alone spoiler complainers) was good to a degree.  Maybe I wanted them to go even further down the schmaltzy path and have them do something uplifting, but that’s not really realistic, I suppose.  Maybe it was just kind of a downer movie that I watched when I didn’t really want to watch a downer movie?  That’s probably it.  It happens.

Are you ever going to watch it again?  I would highly doubt it.  This was a good movie that I don’t see myself getting much replay value out of.  I had the experience, and I’ll leave it at that.

Any closing thoughts?  I will watch Tommy Wiseau’s The Room many more times in my life again.  If you have a problem with that, you can leave your stupid comments in your pocket.

Grade: B


the witch


What is this?  It’s a new horror movie that probably shouldn’t be called a horror movie, despite actually being a horror movie, because mass audiences can’t handle an artsy, slow-moving, non jump-scare filled slow burn without criticizing it for not being full of dumb modern horror clichés.  This wasn’t supposed to be Paranormal Activity.  This is why we can’t have nice things.  Holy crap, this is The Babadook all over again!

Was it any good?  Yes.  Yes it was.  And someone will probably watch The Witch on my recommendation and tell me that it sucked.  And I totally understand why they didn’t like it.  But I liked it.  So my recommendation for you is to just not see it.  If only so that I don’t have to deal with defending it.  I’d rather just have this movie for myself, and have no one else I know see it, if it means I can just selfishly enjoy it without criticism.

There is some imagery in this movie that has still stuck with me days after seeing it.  In fact, I feel like it has only gotten better as the days have rolled by.  It’s maybe kind of an uncomfortable movie to watch as you’re watching it (that was intended), but it sinks its craziness into you long after you leave the theater.  There are so many scenes that just make you question what the hell is going on, or did it really happen, or “whoa, that was legitimately weird to watch”, that it’s probably going to cement itself in my brain for the rest of the year, which is a great thing.  Let me look up what else I saw this year.  Zoolander 2…  13 Hours…  I’ve already completely forgotten that I watched these other movies.

Are you ever going to watch it again?  Yup.  I’m gonna check it out again when it comes out on Blu-ray.  But why don’t you just sit this one out, ok?  If a colonial america period piece with almost unintelligibly accurate dialogue slowly leading to a melancholy realization about having a coven of witches living in the forest next to you isn’t something you’re really desperate to see, then don’t even bother.  It’s a slow burn.  It’s artsy as hell.  It’s more atmospheric and moody than it is literal and plot-heavy.  It has a bunch of symbolism and strange dialogue.  It’s borderline hard to follow along with.  You won’t like it.  Go away.  I’m totally cool with you never seeing it even though I said it was good.

Any closing thoughts?  I’ll just say that I don’t care whether or not you truly believe in witchcraft; but if a talking goat ever asks you “Do you want to live deliciously?” you just say “yes”, and follow it into the woods.

Grade: A-


gods of egypt


What is this?  This is a $140 million dollar action movie without any brand recognition, starring B and C list talent, with kind of decent special effects, and a story about a parallel universe ancient Egypt that is sort of so insane that it became entertaining in its stupidity.

Was it any good?  Ya know, I’ve watched a lot of bad “epic” movies like this in theaters that were bland, generic action takes on whatever, and they usually end up being really boring.  Some examples include Pompeii, Hercules, I Frankenstein, After Earth, Lone Ranger, Jack the Giant Slayer, and so on…  For whatever reason, I did not find Gods of Egypt to be all that boring.  Don’t get me wrong, this is not a great movie.  Not even a good movie.  Or an above average movie.  It’s… …watchable?  At least it seemed like the director was trying to have fun in this movie’s sandbox.  Here’s a few examples of just how crazy/misguided-to-the-point-of-comedy they tried to make this movie:

-Osiris is played by an actor with dirty, white, semi-long hair and a bona-fide soul patch.  His look could best be described as “mid-life crisis dad trying to look cool around his kids.”  All he was missing was a new ear-piercing.  And he was supposed to be king of Egypt.

-The main character’s name is Beck?  For some reason?

-The Gods can morph into Power Rangers-like metal/robot warriors whenever they want.

-Gerard Butler is not only a very white person playing an Egyptian god, but he has his normal Scottish accent the entire movie as well.

-Gerard Butler’s character travels around in a flying chariot pulled by two oversized scarabs.

-A good chunk of the movie takes place in outer space.  On Ra’s spaceship.  Where he fights giant space worms from Saturn on a daily basis.

-Did I mention that Ra is played by a (massively) ponytailed Geoffrey Rush?

-Earth is flat in this movie.  And Ra pulls the sun back and forth around the flat Earth with a literal metal chain.

-There are multiple bull people in this movie.

-There’s a God of Wisdom, and says things like “That’s unwise” out loud all the time.  Also, he literally knows everything there is to know, but can’t solve a simple riddle later in the movie.

-There’s an extended action sequence involving two giant CGI snakes that breathe fire.

Are you ever going to watch it again?  I’d background watch it on HBO.  I’d never pay money to see it again.  It might be one of the better random movies to glance over at for a few seconds every five minutes, just because of the abundance of stupid visuals there are to look at.

Any closing thoughts?  Probably could have used some laser guns, and possibly featured an action scene with Jaime Lannister surfing on a sand dune.  Would have fit in just fine.  Also, if there is a God of Cleavage, he was probably an executive producer on this film.

Grade: C-


3 thoughts on “Theater Roundup: Room, The Witch, and Gods of Egypt

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