Much like a lot of of America, I spent part of my Easter weekend seeing the epic battle of Batman V Superman. And much like my stomach after that turkey and ham dinner from Sunday night, it was bloated and frowney. So rather than try to make sense of what I saw, I’ll just rank all of the people I can remember who appeared in it, which might be all of them, or it might only be 75% of them. I’m sure I’m forgetting someone; I did see it four days ago, at 10 pm. When I got out of the screening, I think it actually was dawn! It’s a long movie.
Also, I don’t know most of the character names, so don’t get upset if I just say” Laurence Fishburne’s newspaper guy.”
And one last thing… we will now be entering A SPOILER ZONE. So maybe don’t read this if you have plans on seeing this movie. Your call, really. Now it’s a battle in your own mind of Boredom V Curiosity.
Let me just give a quick list of reasons why he’s number one:
-He’s probably the only developed, and most interesting character in the whole movie.
-That scene when he’s working out was amazing in a dumb Rocky montage kind of way. You’re telling me that you don’t want to see bro’d out, juiced up Batman lifting car tires? You shouldn’t have bought a ticket then. This is a Zack Snyder movie.
-He murders people now.
-He’s kind of a psycho. HOW IT SHOULD BE.
2. WONDER WOMAN
Even though the first two-thirds of the movie was basically just her being Catwoman from Dark Knight Rises, she eventually becomes awesome, and her fight scene was pretty cool. And the implied backstory based on that photograph B-Man finds of her instantly made me wish I was just watching a Guardians of the Galaxy type movie about her crew beating people up in random time periods, instead of the movie I was actually watching.
3. MICHAEL SHANNON’S DEAD BODY
Even as a lifeless corpse, Michael Shannon made me fear for my life. They should sell Michael Shannon dummies that you can put in your window to deter people from robbing your house.
I honestly had no idea that Jeremy Irons was in this movie beforehand. A welcome surprise!
5. THE JUSTICE LEAGUE TRAILER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MOVIE
I guess where now at the point when #corporatesynergy and #brandawareness has evolved so that we need to have a five-minute scene in the middle of a 2 and 1/2 hour movie that just lets people know about all of the neat stuff they have in the works. If you were sickened by Star Wars’ fan service, then I don’t know what you think about this? Are you still alive, even? …Regardless of all that, though… I kind of thought that it was something more interesting to look at than what was actually happening in the BvS’s plot at the time.
6. SILENT GENERIC FOREIGN MERCENARY GUY
You’ve seen him in at least a dozen other superhero movies, but you can’t go wrong with a sub-boss bad guy with no personality from another country that barely talks and just shoots things. He’s an essential character to put in your comic book screenplays at this point. And I realize that is a screenshot from Captain America, but it’s the same actor in the middle because HE PLAYED BASICALLY THE SAME PART IN THAT MOVIE TOO.
7. MARTHA KENT
About two hours into the movie, I made an observation that I had not smiled once during the entire thing. Did Martha have the only joke in the entire movie? Damn, this was a gloomy film.
I guess I liked that he had a cool fight scene. But he loses points for the awful character design, which just looked like a rip off of a cave troll from Lord of the Rings, or Abomination from The Incredible Hulk. He even looks like one of the new Ninja Turtles! Slap a mask on him, you’ll see. I don’t know, do something different, guy.
I like all of the philosophical elements *surrounding* Superman. I like the argument everyone else has to make on his behalf about his place in the world. But Superman himself? He’s boring.
10. THAT BAT MUTANT THING WE SAW FOR TWO SECONDS IN A NIGHTMARE
95% pointless. 100% welcome. Couldn’t find a picture of it on the internet.
11. LOIS LANE
I remember the bathtub scene and the Middle East scene. Oh yeah, and also that she found the staff at the end. Aside from that, I remember nothing else Lois Lane did in this movie.
12. CONGRESSWOMAN CHARACTER
This character was actually kind of interesting, but wasn’t fleshed out enough (or at all). The jar of pee scene was pretty good, though.
13. LEX LUTHOR
Very annoying character. He’s obnoxious literally the entire movie. Every single scene. And he gets dropped down even further because of the obligatory head shave at the end. Who didn’t see that coming? I would have given this movie a full letter grade higher if they had the restraint to not shoehorn the head shaving scene in there. And someone in the audience actually had the audacity to chuckle LOUDLY when it happened, like it was a freakin’ Stan Lee cameo or something. For shame. Foooooorrrrrr shaaaaaame.
14. BRUCE WAYNE’S PARENTS
Why don’t they just stop going down that alleyway?
15. LUX LUTHOR’S SECRETARY
I waited the entire time for her to do something cool, AND IT DIDN’T HAPPEN. Disappointed.
16. THE BITTER CRIPPLED GUY
I get why he was angry, but this guy totally sucked.
17. LAURENCE FISHBURNE’S NEWSPAPER GUY
Poor man’s J. Jonah Jameson. I don’t remember much from Man of Steel, but wasn’t he a more reasonable dude in that movie? He’s a total turd in this movie.
18. MY 3D GLASSES
I originally intended on going to a regular screening on Thursday night, but when I got to the theater, it was sold out. So I opted for the 3D showing that was at the same time, even though I didn’t really want to pay extra. I asked the box office cashier “Hey, is that one crowded too, I don’t want to sit in the front?” And he said “No, actually there are 214 seats still available.” 2D sold out. 3D had 214 seats left. If that’s not a perfect representation of the public’s opinion on 3D, I don’t know what is? Anyway, the 3D wasn’t even good, and the projection looked blurry and I saw double images a bunch of times. Go away, 3D. For real.
19. NANCY GRACE
I know she only appeared on a TV for about five seconds, and had one line, but I still really don’t like the idea that she got paid money to appear in this movie.