It has been five years since we started this mostly stupid, sometimes interesting blog. Wow. Five years is a lot of time… In those five years I’ve met, dated, and married the love of my life. I’ve pivoted in my career. I’ve eaten a lot of pizza. Like, damn. Tons of pizza. Mostly pepperoni.
What began as a collaboration of me and my friends primarily posting angry rants and life experiences mixed with video game and movie reviews, Dino Bone has now sort of just become a weekly (or bi-monthly) movie review site. Hey, I’m kind of a busy person! The non-paying movie review blog game can sometimes take second fiddle to real grown up things I have to do. Also, some nights I just lay in bed and say “NAH, NOT GONNA WRITE TONIGHT.” That’s a lot of nights. You’d understand too if you contributed to something as creatively fulfilling but ultimately meaningless as a WordPress blog. You develop a lot of nihilistic tendencies while trying to come up with something to say about movies that have absolutely nothing to say. That’s when the fart jokes come out of the back pocket, or explaining how terrible the bathrooms are at the movie theater…
So, if you were hoping for my riveting reviews of The Jungle Book or Hunstman: Winter’s War (yes, I saw that crap. Are you surprised?), you’ll have to wait until next week. Because for the five-year anniversary of Dino Bone, I’m going to do what I always kind of liked best about Dino Bone: exceedingly long lists that barely anyone agrees with. Enjoy the best movies from April 2011 to April 2016, a time frame so arbitrary in the scheme of things that I’m surprised you haven’t stopped reading already.
I’ve grown to like this movie and Steve Carell’s creepy mouth-breathing more with every repeated viewing. Also, it features my favorite thing to do in the morning: eating a bunch of chocolate cake and then smashing my face on a mirror. You wouldn’t believe the cake and mirror budget around my house. It’s ridiculous.
It would probably be an interesting case-study in acting to observe how Sean William Scott went from beginning his career as awful as Steve Stifler to, twelve years later, gradually becoming a completely likable person in Goon.
Maybe it gets brought down a little by its own sense of satisfaction, but I guess that’s the character. I can’t remember the last time I laughed this much at a superhero movie, though.
47. DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES
Right behind Dying-Years-Johnny-Cash, the closest thing to a spirit animal I’ve ever had is the scarred-up ape with an assault rifle riding a horse. I mean, technically that’s a spirit animal riding on another spirit animal while holding an assault rifle. But it’s kind of a package deal.
46. IT FOLLOWS
If you watch (and hate) a lot of horror movies for just reducing to jump scares and music stings, please enjoy this movie about a sex ghost that walks at a leisurely pace set to synthesizer music.
45. THE WOLF OF WALL STREET
This is a very good movie, but it loses a bunch of points because there is always that burning sensation in the back of my mind that reminds me that Jordan Belfort profited from it in one way or another.
I haven’t seen The Rocker, but I’m pretty sure this is the only good movie Dwight has ever been in. [rewatches trailer for The Rocker] Oh yeah, this is the pinnacle of his film career.
I’M AWARE IT’S IMPLAUSIBLE. SO WHAT?
42. THE HATEFUL EIGHT
I don’t think I liked it as much on the second viewing from home as I did during the 70mm roadshow presentation. In fact, it might be Tarantino’s worst movie (yeah, I’m a Death Proof fan, SHUT UP). But his worst movie is still better than a bunch of people’s best movie.
41. THE CRASH REEL
Not only did this documentary make me feel things, and keep me super engaged, but it ALSO makes Shaun White look like a jerk. WIN-WIN-WIN.
I don’t want to say it’s like Friday meets Superbad, because it would make me hate myself. But I’m not NOT saying that.
39. SEARCHING FOR SUGAR MAN
You’re going to find out that I like a lot of movies about artists struggling with mediocrity. It’s kind of one of my favorite subjects.
38. THE BIG SHORT
This is one of the most infuriating movies that I only understood 62% of.
I’m happy things finally worked out for extremely wealthy, famous, and good-looking tortured soul Ben Affleck, and his serious filmmaking career was able to get going with this. It was hard to see him collecting millions of dollars for all those bad movies he was in before this.
36. THE MUPPETS
Maniacal laugh. Maniacal Laugh! MANIACAL LAUGH!
35. 10 CLOVERFIELD LANE
It will shatter all those dreams you had about sharing a doomsday bunker with John Goodman. I know you were looking forward to that, and I hate to let you down.
34. THE RAID: REDEMPTION
Who knew Indonesia produced such insane martial arts movies? Probably a bunch of people… But this was the first big one I saw, SO LAY OFF. [flying kicks you through a wall]
33. THE REVENANT
The most prestigious gross out movie of all time. Awww, no way! Is he climbing inside that horse corpse?!?! Ewwww! Take the Oscar, bro. Just don’t touch me.
I don’t want to talk about why I like this movie because if we start talking about it then we’re going to be here all day talking about it, making diagrams with straws.
Panic Attack: The Movie.
30. WRECK-IT RALPH
Remember when I got tickets to see this in an advanced screening? That was the one time that’s ever happened. No? Well, it did. Pretty impressive for someone having no credentials whatsoever.
29. SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK
Might I be so bold as to say this is one of the best dumb romantic comedies ever made?
28. THE LEGO MOVIE
I think Phil Lord and Chris Miller are still batting 1000 by this point.
27. IT’S A DISASTER
Find me a better movie about brunch, and I will eat my shoe.
I’ve probably seen this movie four times now, and it gets better each time. It’s so delightfully obnoxious. It’s about the closest thing we’ll ever have to a $50 million Troma movie.
25. X-MEN: FIRST CLASS
Successfully revitalized a franchise nearly destroyed by Brett Ratner. So much Assbending.
It’s basically the same as Raid Redemption; but more sci-fi weaponry, beautiful slow motion shots, and Karl Urban with a permanent frown. Also, I’m only now noticing that this is the third picture in a row heavily featuring cool helmets.
I’m sure I’ll sound like a lamewad, but this movie has some of the best subtle cinematography touches I’ve seen in a long time. [receives wedgie from Michael Bay]
22. KINGSMAN: THE SECRET SERVICE
I already liked this movie a lot, and now it’s been making its rounds almost daily on HBO, and I’ve probably rewatched it in chunks about seven times in the background over the last few weeks. It is just an astonishingly watchable movie, bruv.
21. 21 JUMP STREET
I honestly didn’t plan on it falling on this number while sorting this list, but I doubt you’ll believe me anyway. Now any point I make about it won’t even matter. WHATEVER.
20. EX MACHINA
We’re getting dangerously close to actually having to answer legitimate ethical questions about having sex with robots. What a time to be alive…!
19. AMERICAN HUSTLE
This set a satisfyingly dangerous precedent that all heist movies should be set to Electric Light Orchestra.
A great character study in overly determined weirdos. Since they make up 57% of our population now, this is an important movie.
17. INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS
This is probably the most liberal arts major choice on the whole list, but I’m a liberal arts major, and this guy’s plight connects with me. I CONNECT WITH THE INEPTNESS TO FLOURISH. Maybe you won’t so much, Mr. I’m So Great And I Achieved Everything I Wanted To Achieve.
16. THE WORLD’S END
It might not be the best of the Cornetto Trilogy, but it’s certainly the deepest one, and has the most fully developed characters. Also, yet another entry in the “struggling with mediocrity” category. This is getting out of hand. I should have just made a list about the best films where people don’t develop to their full potential.
It’s not fast, or furious, but it is certainly a REAL HEROOOOOOO, A REAL HUMAN BEEEEIIIING. [stomps you to death in an elevator]
14. PARADISE LOST 3: PURGATORY
For all you fans of Serial, Making a Murderer, and The Jinx and whatnot… This is a true crime doc that is totally worth checking out. I watched this movie, and then proceeded to watch the two movies before it, the one after it, and waste countless hours reading theories on the internet. Basically what most people do after any true crime doc. IT WAS TERRY HOBBS I TELLS YA! HOBBS DID IT!
13. ZERO DARK THIRTY
It’s hard to write a meaningful blurb about this when the last thing I saw Jessica Chastain in was Huntsman: Winter’s War. Zero Dark Thirty is great, though. Just take my word on that.
This will make you think way too hard about the logistics of dating your computer. …In a good way.
11. THE AVENGERS
I might bite my tongue when I see Captain America: Civil War, but this movie was definitely the most interesting most of these characters have ever been (except for Hawkeye, that beautiful lame bastard).
10. THIS IS THE END
This is the best pure, straight-forward comedy in years. And it’s really hard to compete with those Adam Sandler Netflix movies.
This feels like one of those movies that people who like weird, slow-moving films really enjoy; and everyone else will hate.
8. STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS
I’ll go ahead and skip this one because I’m just a lame fanboy. KEEP NITPICKIN’, CHET. I’LL KEEP ENJOYING IT.
You’re not going to find a better character study of a killer whale anywhere else. And I’m including Free Willy, Free Willy 2: The Adventure Home, Free Willy 3: The Rescue, AND Free Willy: Escape from Pirate’s Cove in that conversation.
6. GONE GIRL
Tip for all you guys out there: Never, even in jest, refer to your significant other as “Amazing Amy”. You will regret it for weeks.
I left a screening for this movie with my blood pumping like I just watched an action movie. …May I remind you, THIS IS A MOVIE ABOUT JAZZ SCHOOL.
I don’t think there’s a more go-to movie for me that will guarantee my eyes watering up. That’s why I have to watch it alone (out of embarrassment). I can’t even listen to that Liars song anymore without welling up. TAKE MY MAN CARD. JUST TAKE IT.
3. DJANGO UNCHAINED
I think this might have been one of the first movies I showed (my now) wife (MAHH WIIIIIFE) where I was like giddy with excitement that she would watch it with me and be really into it. It was one of the best, most rad feelings a film connoisseur can have. If you’ve never gotten that warm feeling from showing someone an amazing movie they’ve never seen before, then you’re probably the one who got shown an amazing movie by someone else who got that warm feeling. At least pretend to enjoy it, for our sake. We’re fragile people.
2. MAD MAX: FURY ROAD
Is there a movie I quote more in my daily life? If I’m gonna quote, I’m gonna quote historic about Fury Road.
1. GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY
I don’t know what to tell you here, I like it. I like it a lot. I’ve seen it probably over 10 times by now, and I like it every time. Maybe I just like fun things? I don’t know. It’s not best movie of all time good, but out of the last five years, I’d be hard pressed to find a movie outside of these top five that I can watch repeatedly without tiring as much as I do with these. You might disagree? But, like, I also don’t really care…? And I don’t hold it against you or anything. I mean, I don’t know if I believe anyone is 100% a dick.