Near the end of every week, I get excited and open my Fandango app and see what’s going to be playing that weekend at my local AMC. Especially around the end of the year, when theaters are more open to playing smaller indie movies that might be getting awards hype.
So, what do I see last week when I check what’s playing…? A Blair Witch sequel? A Bridget Jones sequel? Is this 2004? Why is this happening?
An Oliver Stone directed Edward Snowden movie? But I already watched the documentary last year that had the *actual* Edward Snowden in it… And Oliver Stone made Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. PASS. HARD PASS.
The Disappointments Room? When the Bough Breaks? The Wild Life? What the hell are these movies? Upon looking them up, these three films have a *COMBINED* Rotten Tomatoes score of 20%. Why are these movies in theaters?
Fine, I’ll just quickly review Sully, which I saw two weekends ago and never reviewed, and then two other movies I watched Saturday night on Playstation Network while having some drinks. Cripes.
Why should I care about this? BECAUSE HE LANDED IT ON THE HUDSON!
Yeah, but why should I *really* care about this? It’s kind of just a better version of that Denzel Washington movie Flight. And much shorter. The actual flight sequences are really good, and well-edited and shot. It’s scary stuff. Tom Hanks is good as always. Aaron Eckhart and his giant bushy mustache were decent. It’s a good story, with a positive outcome. Should make you feel good. If you’re into that. But mainly, watch it for the CGI geese.
Please, just give me reasons not to care about this, I’m asking you as a favor! Well, if you have any knowledge of current events, you’d know that Sully landed the plane perfectly fine in the Hudson, AND he never got in trouble for it. So, Clint Eastwood (or whoever wrote the screenplay) decided to make up how mean the investigators were about it to amp up the drama. So, the aftermath isn’t even how it all really went down. It was riveting fake tension, I guess? Several people in the theater clapped when he proved Mike O’Malley wrong. Yeah, climb that Aggro Crag, Sully!
Also, they probably could have cut 15 more minutes out of this movie. From what I remember, it’s bogged down with three dream sequences, four scenes of Sully running on city sidewalks, and two really, really unnecessary flashbacks to earlier in Sully’s life.
THE ANGRY BIRDS MOVIE
Why should I care about this? BECAUSE IT’S THE MOBILE GAMING SENSATION OF 2010!
Yeah, but why should I *really* care about this? Ummmmm, I suppose I’ve seen worse animated movies? There was a lot of bad comedy early on, but I won’t lie that I laughed a bunch of times at the jokes later in the film (NOTE: I was getting more and more buzzed as the movie went on). And pretty much all of the jokes I laughed at were really stupid, but they got me anyway. I’ll give credit where credit is due! I think this is a perfectly cromulent movie for children. Josh Gad is always better when you’re not actually looking at him.
Please, just give me reasons not to care about this, I’m asking you as a favor! The animation is just ok. Nothing about it is super creative. If you’ve played the game on your phone, you’ve already seen most of the production and character design that went into this. The Great Eagle character dragged the movie down a ton. I distinctly remember checking how much time was left in the movie about 52 minutes into it, because it started to wear out its welcome.
Why should I care about this? MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T!
Yeah, but why should I *really* care about this? I had a good time making fun of it while watching it. That was really the saving grace I think. It’s definitely got some things about it that are so bad that it’s funny. Like when the main character’s abusive, ponytailed, American boyfriend (named Cole) randomly shows up in England just to be a jerk. He’s playing pool by himself in his character reveal! It was a pretty Cole thing to do. I genuinely enjoyed how stupid it was to write Cole into this movie.
Please, just give me reasons not to care about this, I’m asking you as a favor! Maggie from The Walking Dead (Lauren Cohan) isn’t a very good actress in The Walking Dead (in my opinion), and she’s even worse here. I didn’t understand why this movie took place in England, and they cast an English actress as the lead, and then asked her to force an American accent?
It was about 2 a.m. when I finished watching this, so maybe I was tired, but I did not fully understand/remember how the ending made complete sense? When my wife explained it to me the next day after I asked about it; it either still didn’t make total sense, or it was really dumb. Or both, I don’t know? Once you know the twist it kind of makes everything you just watched a little less interesting, I think. The logic holes all over this movie make it not worth watching unless you want to laugh at it. It’s not scary, it’s not smart, it’s not very well made. Avoid unless you’re a ceramic doll collector with 90 minutes to kill.
Also the title of this movie sucks. Just call it Brahms? How hard was that?
See you next week for some more probably awful choices… Who knows? What’s going on here?