Here are Haikus for the 100 Movies I Watched In 2016

01-kubo

A lot of people crapped all over 2016.  And justifiably so.  But…  …on a personal level…   …I had a pretty great 2016.

Let me just run down what was so rad about my year:

I got married
I had my most financially successful work year
I traveled to Japan, Hollywood, Wisconsin, and Florida
I was in the studio audience for The Price is Right
I participated on a 48 hour film festival team
The Miami Dolphins made the playoffs
I won the championship in one of my fantasy football leagues
I ate a ton of pizza…  …like *a lot* of pizza

Even though my busy work life sort of hurt the frequency that I post around here, I still kept up the best I could.  And I even did two pretty hefty lists which people seemed to enjoy, the 50 Best Films of the Last 5 Years (in honor of Dino Bone’s 5 year anniversary), and The Most Mediocre Movies of the Last 15 Years.

The only really bad 2016 things that directly affected me were a really painful/annoying root canal, and a really painful/annoying presidential election.

But I think I owe all the good things that happened because last year I evened out all my zen with a 91 haiku 2015 film list.  I gifted it to the cosmos and they aligned a few things nicely in my favor.

So in hopes to get my 2017 in good form from the start, I now present you with haikus for the 100 movies that I watched in 2016, including  a few movies I’ve seen in the last week that I never reviewed (and probably never will because I’m too busy).  I’m also including The Revenant, Anomalisa, and Room because they got wide release in January (sorry, I don’t live in NY or LA) and they didn’t make my list last year.  Shut up!  Enjoy!

 

independence-day-resurgence

100.  Independence Day: Resurgence

It is good to know
It only takes twenty years
To craft perfect crap

Original review: HERE

Grade: F-

 

the-forest

99.  The Forest

Suicide forest
But who wants to die the most?
It’s the audience

Original review: HERE

Grade:  F-

 

02-31

98.  31

Rob has some good songs
But he is the Limp Bizkit

Of making movies

Original review: HERE

Grade:  F-

 

dirty grandpa awful movie

97.  Dirty Grandpa

Robert Di Niro
Star of beloved era
Now does boner jokes

Original review: HERE

Grade:  F

 

my big fat greek wedding 2

96.  My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2

Ha! Do you get it?
They’re really loud and boorish!
So hilarious!

Original review: HERE

Grade:  F+

 

wiener-dog-movie

95.  Wiener-Dog

If I was a jerk
I’d challenge you to watch this
But I respect you

Original review: HERE

Grade:  F+

 

the-boy

94.  The Boy

Once you know the twist
You will no doubt ask yourself
Why was this film made?

Original review: HERE

Grade:  F+

 

05-holidays

93.  Holidays

This will make you think
How talent is so fleeting
When you’re Kevin Smith

Original review: HERE

Grade:  F+

 

zoolander 2

92.  Zoolander 2

Rehashing old jokes
Wait, that’s Austin Powers’ game
Is this the 90s?

Original review: HERE

Grade:  D-

 

the-boss

91.  The Boss

Look at this bad wig!
And look at this turtleneck!
Let’s write a screenplay!

Original review: HERE

Grade:  D-

 

huntsman 2

90.  Huntsman: Winter’s War

Hemsworth will be proud
Oh, not of this movie here
Probably of Thor

Original review: HERE

Grade:  D-

 

brothers grimsby

89.  Brothers Grimsby

Cohen’s so funny
That it feels weird when he bombs
But I still like him

Original review: HERE

Grade:  D-

 

bad-moms

88.  Bad Moms

I didn’t relate
Maybe I’m not bad enough
Or not mom enough

Original review: HERE

Grade:  D-

 

jack-reacher-2

87.  Jack Reacher: Never Go Back

They are very right
I plan to never go back
To see this again

Original review: HERE

Grade:  D

 

13 hours jim

86.  13 Hours

When I want hot takes
On the hot button issues
I think Michael Bay…?

Original review: HERE

Grade:  D

 

high-rise

85.  High Rise

What a great concept
But what strange execution
Turned into fart noise

Original review: HERE

Grade:  D

 

angry-birds

84.  The Angry Birds Movie

It’s crazy to think
How something based off phone games
Had such a thin plot…!

Original review: HERE

Grade:  D+

 

03-purge-election-year

83.  The Purge: Election Year

Not really convinced
This phony reality
Will be worse than Trump

Original review: HERE

Grade:  D+

 

02 money monster

82.  Money Monster

Want some script feedback?
This could have used more monsters
Like the scary kind

Original review: HERE

Grade:  D+

 

05 warcraft

81.  Warcraft

Full body make up
Zoe Saldana declined?
Must be a bad role

Original review: HERE

Grade:  D+

 

lights out

80.  Lights Out

This ghost is a jerk
Squanchin’ around in the dark
I’m sleeping lights ON

Original review: HERE

Grade:  C-

 

16-jane-got-a-gun

79.  Jane Got a Gun

Jane got a problem
Jane in development hell
Jane got filmed poorly

Original free-form review: HERE

Grade:  C-

 

04-hell-or-high-water

78.  HELL OR HIGH WATER

I really hate banks
Don’t you really hate the banks?
Banks banks banks banks banks

Original review: HERE

Grade:  C-

 

77.  Hardcore Henry

Some missed marketing
Could have handed out Red Bull
That or some cocaine

Original review: HERE

Grade:  C-

 

04-morgan

76.  Morgan

I’ve noticed something
These genetic freak movies
All identical

Original review: HERE

Grade:  C-

 

birth-of-a-nation

75.  The Birth of a Nation

Tried hard for Oscar
But there’s no category
For stupid fake teeth

Original review: HERE

Grade:  C-

 

gods of egypt

74.  Gods of Egypt

How did this not suck?
Everything should have gone wrong
It’s comically weird

Original review: HERE

Grade:  C-

 

the shallows

73.  The Shallows

Blake Lively fights shark
Blake Lively sits on a rock
Blake Lively can’t act

Original review: HERE

Grade:  C-

 

12 batman

72.  Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice

Clark Kent meets Bruce Wayne
Bad filmmaking meets my eyes
Justice League will suck

Original character ranking: HERE

Grade:  C-

 

04 ninja turtles

71.  Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows

When I was a kid
All that I wanted to see
Was that dumb Rhino

Original review: HERE

Grade:  C

 

neon-demon

70.  The Neon Demon

Think you know fashion
Well fashion is a stranger
Fashion is danger

Original review: HERE

Grade:  C

 

secret life of pets

69.  The Secret Life of Pets

If this were real life
The only secret of pets?
Where they pooped this time

Original review: HERE

Grade:  C

 

infiltrator

68.  The Infiltrator

I’m the one who knocks
On my agent’s office door
And asks for dull roles

Original review: HERE

Grade:  C

 

clown

67.  Clown

Are you scared of clowns?
Imagine becoming one
Wouldn’t be funny

Original review: HERE

Grade:  C

 

eddie the eagle

66.  Eddie the Eagle

Olympic ski jump
Big time dork trying it out
Commendable dork

Original review: HERE

Grade:  C

 

The Bronze 04

65.  The Bronze

Who is this lady?
I don’t watch Big Bang Theory
Girl Kenny Powers

Original review: HERE

Grade:  C

 

sausage party

64.  Sausage Party

Mix stoner humor
With fart and wiener humor
You get what’s ordered

Original review: HERE

Grade:  C+

 

mignight special

63.  Midnight Special

I’d like to comment
But I’d have to remember
What this was about

Original review: HERE

Grade:  C+

 

003-office-christmas-party

62.  OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

Do you like sex jokes?
How about guys falling down?
Then you will love this!

Original review: HERE

Grade:  C+

 

tarzan

61.  The Legend of Tarzan

Dude is loved by apes
And Margot Robbie as well
But not Christoph Waltz!

Original review: HERE

Grade:  C+

 

the-bfg

60.  The BFG

I think about Doom
Whenever I read title
Not as kid friendly

Original review: HERE

Grade:  C+

 

ghostbusters

59.  Ghostbusters

Should I skip this one?
Might ruin your childhood
If I mention girls

Original review: HERE

Grade:  C+

 

03 neighbors 2

58.  Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising

Out of all these films
This is the most cash grabby
Still has decent gags

Original review: HERE

Grade:  C+

 

girl-on-the-train

57.  The Girl on the Train

Starts out pretty strong
Act two starts dragging big time
Ends on corny note

Original review: HERE

Grade:  C+

 

magnificent-seven-1

56.  The Magnificent Seven

Be very thankful
Recasting black guy was cool
With internet jerks

Original review: HERE

Grade:  C+

 

whiskey tango foxtrot

55.  Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

War zone comedy
Not really a comedy
Being alone sucks

Original review: HERE

Grade:  C+

 

00 suicide squad

54.  Suicide Squad

Looked good on paper
It’s Juggalo Avengers
Went too Juggalo

Original character rankings: HERE

Grade:  C+

 

04-moonlight

53.  Moonlight

I get the hype here
But I just didn’t dig it
I liked the third act

Original review: HERE

Grade:  C+

 

01-ouija

52.  Ouija: Origin of Evil

Money grab prequel
Turns out to be kinda good
Well, good for horror

Original review: HERE

Grade:  C+

 

rats

51.  RATS

Pretty disturbing
Not for animal lovers
Rats will destroy us

Grade:  C+

 

anomalisa

50.  Anomalisa

Claymation sex scene!
Do I have your attention?
Stay for the nuance

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B-

 

49.  JACKIE

Decent biopics
Take place in a short time span
They don’t start at birth

Grade:  B-

 

demolition

48.  Demolition

Jake G’s wife just died
And he just takes apart fridge
Seems kinda weird, bro

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B-

 

sing

47.  SING

Talking gorilla
It has a British accent
Gets me every time

Grade:  B-

 

hail caeser

46.  Hail, Caesar!

Tryin’ to say it
Would that it TWAAS so simple
Man that scene was great

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B-

 

why-him-3

45.  WHY HIM?

Stupid comedy
Actually had some great scenes
Edible paper

Grade: B-

 

bleed-for-this

44.  Bleed For This

Got pretty jealous
I want to punch Miles Teller
Over and over

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B-

 

sully-2

43.  Sully

If he is so good
Then why did he hit the birds?
HUH?! ANSWER ME THAT!

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B-

 

keanu

42.  Keanu

Purrrrfect casting choice
On that brilliant little cat
Key & Peele good too…

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B-

 

01-rogue-one

41.  ROGUE ONE: A STAR WARS STORY

Membahhh the Death Star?
Memmmbahh Darth Vader’s helmet?
Ooooooo yeah, I membahhhh!

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B-

 

02 xmen apocalypse

40.  X-Men: Apocalypse

Desire to Assbend
Gets satisfied with X-Men
Skip Assassin’s Creed

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B-

 

mascots

39.  Mascots

It’s no Best in Show
But for a free Netflix film
Why should I complain?

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B

 

eye in the sky

38.  Eye in the Sky

Kind of a dick move
To bomb innocent people
From comfy desk chair

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B

 

jason bourne 1

 

37.  Jason Bourne

Hey, he’s back you guys!
You could say he’s… BOURNE again…
[Puts on sunglasses]

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B

 

amanda-knox

36.  AMANDA KNOX

Doesn’t give answers
But true crime docs rarely do
She is def weird though

Grade: B

 

wilderpeople-01

35.  Hunt for the Wilderpeople

I love New Zealand
It is just like Australia
But much, much weirder

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B

 

swiss-army-man-1

34.  Swiss Army Man

Here’s a film to pitch
Man befriends farting dead man
JUST TAKE MY MONEY

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B

 

conjuring-2

33.  The Conjuring 2

Marilyn Manson
That’s who the demon looked like
It was uncanny

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B

 

hacksaw-ridge

32.  Hacksaw Ridge

I’m going to war!
Oh no thanks, I don’t need guns
Seems like an odd choice

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B

 

everybody wants some

31.  Everybody Wants Some

It’s Dazed and Confused
But meanders even more
That’s our Linklater!

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B

 

accountant-2

30.  The Accountant

He’s good with numbers
Like adding up the bodies!
Ya know, dead bodies!

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B

 

room

29.  Room

Hope you like sad stuff
There ain’t too much happiness
Except for escape

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B

 

dr-strange-01

28.  Doctor Strange

For about two hours
Be inside kaleidoscope
Hope you don’t throw up

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B

 

storks

27.  Storks

Real bad marketing
Cuz’ this was super funny
Watch the penguin fight

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B

 

war dogs 1

26.  War Dogs

Fat Jonah returns
And boy is he fat this time
For our benefit

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B

 

02-dont-breathe

25.  DON’T BREATHE

Blind guy hunting you?
You’ve got a real big problem
It’s creaky floorboards

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B

 

jungle book

24.  The Jungle Book

If Mowgli had guns
It would be much shorter film
I’m just sayin’, dawg

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B

 

02-spiderman

23.  Captain America: Civil War

Kind of overlong
With no real consequences
Dat hangar scene tho

Original character rankings: HERE

Grade:  B

 

star trek beyond

22.  Star Trek Beyond

If you want to win
Just blast Beastie Boys loudly
WELCOME TO STAR FLEET

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B

 

01-moana

21.  Moana

Pretty good message
This “princess” don’t need no man
Twenty-sixteen, bro

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B+

 

arrival

20.  Arrival

Refreshing to see
Aliens not killing us
They just want to talk

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B+

 

zootopia

19.  Zootopia

The sloth DMV
Is the best scene of this year
It never gets old

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B+

 

edge-of-seventeen

18.  The Edge of Seventeen

Being a teen blows
Everything is a big deal
The truth is: you’re fine

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B+

 

the lobster

17.  The Lobster

The jokes are so dry
I dumped sand out of my shoes
After I watched it

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B+

 

03-allied

16.  Allied

My wife keeps asking
Is his wife a spy or not?
…Should have watched with me

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B+

 

fantastic-beasts-01

15.  Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

Redmayne makes me groan
But the rest is so charming
Makes up for dingus

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B+

 

sing-street

14.  Sing Street

Kid meets his dream girl
Impresses her with a band
I had constant smile

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B+

 

04-hush

13.  Hush

This one and Don’t Breathe
Highlighting lack of senses
Saving horror scene

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B+

 

004-dont-think-twice

12.  DON’T THINK TWICE

Improv comedy
Can end up not so funny
When life drags you down

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B+

 

48 - deadpool

11.  Deadpool

Sarcastic hero
Revitalizes genre
Maximum effort

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B+

 

33 - revenant

10.  The Revenant

Little did we know
Oscar bait gross out genre
Something we needed

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B+

 

the witch

9.  The VVitch

Throwing it out there
Black Phillip: Goat of the Year
Name a better goat

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B+

 

8.  The Nice Guys

Crowe/Gosling are dicks
You know I meant detectives
Not the other thing

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B+

 

03 popstar

7.  Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping

I was born this way
Zerbert in the sherbert, SQUARK!
Yeah, get merked!  Get merked!

Original review: HERE

Grade:  B+

 

deepwater-horizon

6.  Deepwater Horizon

Oil brings in money
Oil makes the big explosions
Oil makes Wahlberg sad

Original review: HERE

Grade:  A-

 

35 - cloverfield

5.  10 CLOVERFIELD LANE

In Goodman’s bunker
It’s his way or the highway
JK, no escape

Original review: HERE

Grade:  A-

 

green room

4.  GREEN ROOM

Alt Right attacks band
Oops sorry I meant nazis
Wait, aren’t they the same?

Original review: HERE

Grade:  A-

 

03-kubo

 

3.  Kubo and the Two Strings

What is clay made of?
Two parts whimsy and magic
But mostly it’s soil

Original review: HERE

Grade:  A-

 

la-la-land

2.  LA LA LAND

Damien Chazelle
This dude is on a hot streak
He’s obsessed with jazz

Grade:  A

 

03-manchester-by-the-sea

1.  MANCHESTER BY THE SEA

Note to self when drunk
Make sure to use fireplace screen
Always use the screen

Original review: HERE

Grade:  A

 

See you in 2017, ya jabronis!  

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