Pop on your best sleeveless shirt and then pop on your best sleeveless tactical armor, and while you’re at it, pop in the finest lime wedge into that Corona you’re drinking, brother! I saw Fate of the Furious, aka F8 0f th3 Fur10u5, aka [shows you tattoo of a stone Jesus cross with monster truck wheels] over the weekend, and I have a comprehensive list of all the best things about this movie.
[HOPS IN 2005 HYUNDAI SONATA] [STARTS DOING DONUTS IN YOUR GARDEN]
*There might be spoilers in this post, but that shouldn’t matter because it should be required that everyone on the planet watch this movie on opening weekend*
Scott Eastwood plays a character that could best be described as “mildly inept government agent”. It gets an honorable mention because while he was fine in the role, it was a missed opportunity to cast Shia Lebeouf or Miles Teller, who would have been perfect inept government agents. Don’t even try to argue that.
10. The insane amount of casual deaths in this movie
The body count in this movie must be like 65 people. People in cars get smashed by wrecking balls, blown up, shot at, and even run over by a submarine. No one acknowledges the enormous loss of life in the film. In fact, Vin Diesel risked giving a terrorist nuclear weapons just to save his family. Don’t think Dom is a dude who factors potential loss of life into the things he does. THAT’S WHY HE’S THE BEST.
There’s some good car action scenes in this movie, but none of them topped when super-hacker Charlize Theron literally made it rain cars out of high rises onto other cars. It was like a scene out of GTA. I don’t know much about cars, but I do know that I enjoy pure, unbridled car destruction. I wonder how much Geico decided to screw over their customers after that incident by not paying their claims. That’s the untold story of F8 that BIG INSURANCE doesn’t want you to hear. #wakeupsheeple
8. British people, bruv
I loved the fact that they had to downgrade Helen Mirren’s regular British accent to an exaggerated Cockney accent. “OYE, GOVNAH, YEW WANNA GET AHT ME BOY, DO YAA?” To be honest, I loved that Helen Mirren was in this movie at all. And Jason Statham’s immortal vampire is the best character. His fiery sexual tension with Dwyane Johnson was a highlight. This movie would have been an A+ if they ended up in a romantic partnership at the end of the movie. They don’t even need to address it with dialogue. They could have just been holding hands at the end of the film in the background.
Another quick question, has anyone done more for making bald people look like badasses than Jason Statham? …Maybe Bruce Willis…? But he’s not *really* full bald. Statham is full horseshoe.
7. Vin Diesel. In general.
His goofy smiles make me laugh every single time. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Could there be a more genuinely dopey guy in Hollywood? I mean that as a compliment, because it works for him; it’s basically his entire brand. Nobody pulls off a white tank top, white pants, and jean jacket combo like my man Vinny D. He’s got that perfect unaware sense of over-styled confidence to play Dom Toretto, and I’m not sure anyone else does. No, wait, Johnny Depp! But I don’t think he’s into cars.
6. Hey, Ludacris is still there
I love that “Chris” Ludacris “Bridges” still has a career, despite not being musically relevant in ten years. He’s gotten to have a lasting film career as the most boring character in a franchise about people driving cars off of mountains. Vin Diesel takes care of his “family” even better than Adam Sandler does.
5. Kurt Russell’s Easy Paycheck
Kurt Russell’s presence should always be noted and appreciated in anything that he’s in.
4. So much great hacking
And so many great hacking haircuts. Charlize Theron’s long white dreadlocks, that one guy from Game of Thrones with the huge beard and flowing red locks, the Asian dude with the emo cut. It felt like we were in the Nebuchadnezzar every time they gathered in the same area. And this movie took three-second keyboard-pounding hacking to new heights. “Wait, hold on.” [jams on keyboard crazily] “Dom is in Europe.”
3. Dwayne The SOC(cer) Johnson
That soccer game war dance joke was probably the best attempt at intentional humor in the entire franchise’s history.
2. The opening Cuba sequence was incredible
That was the most Fast & Furious way to open a Fast & Furious movie. There’s so many things to love about it. The insane racing. The unabashed love of Cuba for some reason, that borderlined as a straight up tourism video. The trademark butt shots that this franchise has built its legacy on. And the dialogue, hoo wee… These writers are at the top of their game when they are scripting people betting their cars on a street race. I also enjoyed how this one mile race was six minutes long with them driving 100 mph the whole time. The complete lack of realism is what draws me in to these movies, and that’s why you should also consider this a compliment. The Cuba stuff was awesomely stupid.
1. Jason Statham + Baby + Gunfights = Great Idea
This should be its own 90 minute movie. Make it happen, Hollywood. Or just make The Tooth Fairy 3, starring Jason Statham. It will be hard to follow Larry the Cable Guy’s job in the role, but it’s about time we got an action star back in the role of The Tooth Fairy franchise. Tooth Fairy: Tokyo Drift (which actually comes chronologically after the 6th film, Plaque & the Fairiest 6). Wow, I can actually visibly see my site hits going down after that awful joke.
LIVE YOUR LIFE A CUBAN MILE AT A TIME!