Despite life’s best efforts, I still managed to watch a bunch of movies this year. Probably not as many as I did last year, and I’ll most likely watch even less next year (I’ve HEARD that having a baby can impede your social life). So I’ll keep this “brief”, because 1) I don’t even know who will read this anymore, and 2) I’d kind of rather be spending my time right now playing Spider-Man. Those rooftop thugs aren’t going to kill themselves! Let’s do this, ya clydesdales!
RANKING ALL THE SEQUELS I SAW THIS YEAR FROM WORST TO BEST
WORST. Pacific Rim Uprising – I can only recall walking out of one movie in my life for non diarrhea-related reasons. This was it. THERE WERE NO KAIJUS IN THE FIRST 40 MINUTES OF THE MOVIE. HOW LONG MUST I WAIT FOR THIS MOVIE TO DELIVER ON ITS BASIC PREMISE?
14. Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom – I can’t decide whether I want to make a joke about how this is a fallen franchise, or how the weaponized dinosaur kept falling down…? I’ll just do neither.
13. Jigsaw – Don’t ask me why I watched this; I just did, ok?
12. Fifty Shades Freed – There might have been a conflict in this movie, but all I remember is airplane rides and butt skin.
11. Solo – I guess this is a prequel, but at the same time… shut up, nerd? This is the only Star Wars movie that I not only haven’t seen multiple times, but have not even thought about watching a second time.
10. Incredibles 2 – It’s just not my thing, you guys. I don’t like the Incredibles very much.
9. Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald – I’ve seen all of the Harry Potter movies a few times each, and my wife is a super fan, but I honestly had no idea what the hell was going on in this movie for most of it.
8. Ralph Breaks the Internet – You’ll chuckle. You notice references to things. It’s fine.
7. Ant Man and the Wasp – Did you see the first one? Did you like it? You’ll probably feel the exact same way about this one.
6. Unfriended: Dark Web – Listen, this movie was entertaining, and I don’t care what you think of me for saying that.
5. Mission Impossible Fallout – I remember most of the cool action scenes and almost none of the story! But do you remember when Henry Cavill cocked his arm cannons? That was pretty sweet.
4. Creed II – It’s no Creed I, but it’s also better than probably three of the Rockys. If you told me that I would feel legitimate emotional weight from DOLPH LUNDGREN this year, I would have called you crazy. But here we are.
3. Deadpool 2 – I could see the Deadpool schtick start to wear thin by the time they make Deadpool 3 (I’m sure it already has for many people), but I dug this movie.
2. Paddington 2 – Crank open those marmalade jars, because I’m a full Paddington believer, folks. This is a children’s movie about a TALKING BEAR THAT GOES TO PRISON. You can’t touch this movie.
BEST. Avengers: Infinity War – It had the snap thingy and it was exciting, etc etc etc. C’mon, don’t be a contrarian, this was a good sequel.
11 MOVIES THAT WERE “YA KNOW, ALRIGHT, I GUESS”
(in alphabetical order)
The Ballad of Buster Scruggs – I was pumped for a Coen Brothers western anthology like everyone else, but if I’m going to be honest with myself, I only liked 3 of the 6 segments and that ain’t enough to get me to call this good.
Black Panther – It was fine. Adequate Marvel. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves and call this a top 5 MCU movie. C’mon. Please.
Crazy Rich Asians – I can see why this was a phenomenon, and it was entertaining enough, and yes, now I’d like to be a rich person in Singapore, but it also wasn’t really anything all that amazing.
The Long Dumb Road – It’s an alright road trip comedy, but it also touches like literally zero new ground. I watched it because I’m a huge fan of Jason Mantzoukas, and I would only suggest it if you are too.
The Meg – It’s got a big shark, you guys! It really does!
Outlaw King – It’s like a sequel to Braveheart, but not nearly as good. If you enjoy seeing horses get killed, this is in YOUR movie of 2018.
The Predator – I liked it right after I saw it, but then apparently didn’t like it enough to even remember it came out until I was putting this post together.
Ready Player One – Here’s a pro tip: If you take a drink every time you see a shameless reference to an 80s relic, you’ll be drunk enough to overlook all of the glaring plot holes and stupid character decisions.
Thoroughbreds – Good story, good characters, but it’s kind of *just* unremarkable enough to where I never need to see it again.
To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before – Despite being 100% out of this movie’s target demographic… it was alright for what it was.
Venom – I think I need to watch this again, because I fell asleep in the theater near the end. But I’m still pretty confident that if I watched it again on full alertness, it would still only be so-so.
5 WEIRD INDIE MOVIES THAT I LIKED BUT CAN’T RECOMMEND TO PEOPLE
Slice – Either you want to see a movie where Chance the Rapper plays a werewolf, or you don’t.
The Sisters Brothers – Did you know that John C Reilly and Joaquin Phoenix starred in a western together? They did. And it was very odd.
Sorry To Bother You – At times it was great, at other times it felt like it was trying wayyyyyyyy too hard to be provocative; but all I can say is that you will NOT see the third act coming.
Hereditary – I thought it had some brilliant scenes, and an incredible creepy atmosphere. But it also kinda takes a “eh” turn at the end.
Mandy – This was one of the weirdest movies I’ve EVER seen.
THE 5 WORST (NON-SEQUEL) MOVIES I SAW THIS YEAR
Winchester – Take everything you think you know about cheesy, poorly made horror movies… and apply it to this… and it’s pretty much that. I was 30x more entertained reading the Wikipedia page about the Winchester family than I was watching this crappy ghost movie.
Girls Trip – These girls are so wacky. So wacky. I loved the tonal shift of watching a woman pee her pants on a zip line juxtaposed to a completely dead serious prayer scene (for some reason).
Action Point – I just kind of felt bad for everyone involved in this.
The Happytime Murders – And I felt even worse for everyone involved in this.
Destination Wedding – This was one of the most insufferable movies I’ve ever sat through. I almost feel like the director of this movie deserves to go to jail for 10 days or something because he made this terrible movie. I know that’s not right to say. But that’s just what I’m feeling right now. Ewww, 62% of users liked this movie on Rotten Tomatoes? I feel nauseous after reading that. What is wrong with you people? Get a mental health checkup.
THE BEST MOVIES I SAW THIS YEAR THAT I HAVEN’T MENTIONED YET
(Again, in alphabetical order.)
Bad Times at the El Royale – Pretty decent attempt at doing a Tarantino movie impersonation.
BlacKkKlansman – Probably the best Spike Lee movie since 1989.
Blindspotting – Social commentary that actually works, without being weird or overbearing. Plus, a guy raps his problems at the camera. Always a solid stylistic choice.
Eighth Grade – So awkward and realistic and great.
Fahrenheit 11/9 – I know Michael Moore is a polarizing dude, but this movie actually felt a little more even-handed than usual, as he criticized both parties and hoped for change to the whole system. It might not have the importance it once carried post-midterm elections, but at the very least you’ll learn a lot about how awful the Flint water crisis was/is.
The Favourite – I’m gonna go out on a limb and say this was the best 18th century British period piece I’ve ever seen… OR EVER WILL SEE.
First Man – In addition to probably having Oscar-winning editing and cinematography, this was a fascinating look into the family-hating psychos we all call astronauts.
Isle of Dogs – It will check off all your Wes Anderson-y needs.
Overlord – It was a movie about building a Nazi zombie super army, but it was actually… kinda really good?
A Quiet Place – Yeah, yeah, some of it doesn’t make sense. It was still entertaining and well executed, you jerk.
Science Fair – It’s a documentary about ultra smart high schoolers who are already better than me at life. It has shades of Spellbound.
Searching – I saw two movies that took place entirely on computer screens and thought they were both really good actually. I don’t mind this genre, and hope that they make more; which probably makes Stanley Kubrick spin in his grave.
Spider-Man: Into the Spider-verse – SPIDER-MAN IS SO HOT RIGHT NOW.
They Shall Not Grow Old – So, Peter Jackson released a World War One documentary in theaters for one day only. You bet your war horse I went to it. There was also an additional short documentary after the credits showing how he restored all of the footage and how hard and tedious it was to make this film. Two docs for the price of one!
Widows – There was some room for improvement, but overall, this movie about the widows of a dead heist crew committing a heist of their own was pretty dope. This was probably also the closest I’ve ever come to saying Michelle Rodriguez is a good actress.
Won’t You Be My Neighbor – This world didn’t deserve Mr. Rogers.
Have a happy new year, ya bunch of lovable people, you.