January Movie JANboree!

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Oh, hi…!  Remember me?  I complained about last year’s busy schedule reducing the amount of posts I write around here, and 2017 has gotten off to a far worse start.  I’ve gone to five movies in the first month of the year, and I’ve failed to write anything about any of them.  Until now!

So enjoy some tiny reviews of the selection of January 2017 movies I decided to check out.  Unfortunately, I didn’t get around to seeing xXx: The Return of Xander Cage.  BUT TRUST ME, I WANTED TO.

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Here are Haikus for the 100 Movies I Watched In 2016

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A lot of people crapped all over 2016.  And justifiably so.  But…  …on a personal level…   …I had a pretty great 2016.

Let me just run down what was so rad about my year:

I got married
I had my most financially successful work year
I traveled to Japan, Hollywood, Wisconsin, and Florida
I was in the studio audience for The Price is Right
I participated on a 48 hour film festival team
The Miami Dolphins made the playoffs
I won the championship in one of my fantasy football leagues
I ate a ton of pizza…  …like *a lot* of pizza

Even though my busy work life sort of hurt the frequency that I post around here, I still kept up the best I could.  And I even did two pretty hefty lists which people seemed to enjoy, the 50 Best Films of the Last 5 Years (in honor of Dino Bone’s 5 year anniversary), and The Most Mediocre Movies of the Last 15 Years.

The only really bad 2016 things that directly affected me were a really painful/annoying root canal, and a really painful/annoying presidential election.

But I think I owe all the good things that happened because last year I evened out all my zen with a 91 haiku 2015 film list.  I gifted it to the cosmos and they aligned a few things nicely in my favor.

So in hopes to get my 2017 in good form from the start, I now present you with haikus for the 100 movies that I watched in 2016, including  a few movies I’ve seen in the last week that I never reviewed (and probably never will because I’m too busy).  I’m also including The Revenant, Anomalisa, and Room because they got wide release in January (sorry, I don’t live in NY or LA) and they didn’t make my list last year.  Shut up!  Enjoy!

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Movie Reviews: Rogue One, Manchester By The Sea, and Hell or High Water

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It’s finally here!  The movie we’ve been waiting for since last December!  Now we can finally see the backstory behind the tragedy that jettisoned Casey Affleck’s humble New England family life into a tailspin!  Sit back, relax and enjoy the Bostonian fan service (oh, the accents!) in Disney’s Manchestah One: A Wicked Pissah Story.

Oh, and Rogue One came out, too.

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Movie Reviews: Moana, Allied, Moonlight, and Bleed For This

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We’re coming down to the end of the year, and I don’t even think I have a definitive #1 movie of the year yet.  As you’ll see once again by this group of reviews, everything I see lately seems to wind up in the B grade area.  How many more chances are there for A grade movies?!  Rogue One?  La La Land?  Assassin’s Creed?  (haha just kidding on that last one)

One thing I am very much looking forward to at the end of this month, though, is that I will never have to see the trailers for Collateral Beauty or Passengers ever again.  I don’t know how much they dumped into marketing these things, but I’ve seen both trailers before every single movie I’ve gone to, to the point that I’ve begrudgingly memorized the lines.  “So why did you give up your life on Earth?” and “Howard doesn’t write letters to people, he writes to things.” are two lines I hope I never have to hear again once 2017 starts.

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Movie Reviews: Fantastic Beasts, The Edge of Seventeen, and Bad Moms

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We’re getting into the thick of the fall movie season, which means there’s a lot of options of movies to check out!  More than I even have time to see.  I think I’m going to be skipping Bad Santa 2 (haven’t seen the first one), Rules Don’t Apply (don’t know what this is), and Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk (the trailer looks stupid).

But what I have to talk about for now covers all the demographics!  From teenage girls to, um, 30-year-old moms to, well, 1920s wizards…  Ok, I can’t really relate to any of this, but I will try!

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Movie Reviews: Doctor Strange, Hacksaw Ridge, Arrival, Sing Street, and The BFG

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I went on vacation last week, so I didn’t have time to write anything about the handful of movies I’ve seen recently, but now I’m back and they’ve piled up to the point where I need to just rush through these reviews, because I’m about to get busy again after this.  So here’s the latest on non-Hogwarts wizards (that’s next week), untold WWII stories, moody alien fiction, Irish teenagers, and a computerized giant with nonproportional ears.

Spoiler alert: They all basically got the same grade from me.  I’m a hack!

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